True love is over.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have sat down in a boardroom and decided to terminate their
contract marriage. Katie had fulfilled five years of her obligations as Tom’s robot bride, and when her contractual negotiations came up Tom decided to tell her that he was going in another direction after Katie had been less than amicable in her bearding wifely duties over the past few months.
As a result, Tom is thrilled to announce he will be launching a new show on FOX this fall. Beard Idol will be a 20 state-wide search for his new wife from a range of desperate C-List actresses.
Tom’s publicist said
“After the last time when we went searching for wives and several Hollywood stars mocked Tom’s courtship attempts, we have decided that we needed to restrategize how to approach actresses to be Tom’s contractual partner / one true love. Actresses from terrible teen comedies, solidly rated TV dramedies and up-and-coming motion pictures will be asked to attend castings across the country. I think people are going to be really surprised by what Tom brings to the table as a judge!”
Friend and fellow Scientology advocate John Travolta has also signed on as a Judge on Beard Idol adding
“I’m thrilled to be helping Tom look for a new beautiful young wife who continue to prove that Tom is a really stand-up heterosexual, like myself. Tom is a really sharp judge, woe betide any girl who shows up wearing heels!”
Analysts favour Tom’s illustrious ex Nicole Kidman as a natural choice for the third judge adding that “Nicole has done the job, no-one is better qualified to make the choice for Tom’s next wife than Nicole. She’d also be known as the Ice Queen of the panel, because Nicole knows a beard who’d sell intimate details of her marriage with just one look”
Top names in the running for the coveted role as Tom’s Wife include Jennifer Lawrence, Zoe Saldana, Elizabeth Olsen, January Jones and Maggie Grace.