Remember when Taylor Swift was still holding a guitar and trying to make you believe she’d just fallen out of a barn after telling her boyfriend she wasn’t ready yet?
Well on her last album, Taylor did a little thing called “Selling The Fuck Out!” and her label obviously liked the sound of eight million wallets falling open, cause Taylor has another pop album coming out and she’s released a new single and video for that shit.
Whatever country backwater town Taylor Swift once came from is now a distant cackle to her at a fancy industry event where, with this song, she’s effectively doing the following.
Let’s be clear, if you were under any illusion that this song wont be craft glued directly to your brain parts every time you turn on the radio, then I’m really sorry, but a Taylor Swift free winter is just not what I see for your future.
By next spring this song will have made the trickle down to DFS adverts hawking rank-looking sofas that will cost just £699 if you get in before the sale ends on Monday. That is of course assuming you’ve also gone blind before Monday.
Taylor Swift, this is your future.
So what is the verdict of the overall video and song?
Notably absent: Lyrics that indicate she has cried into a scrap book she made for a boy she met for four minutes in a reception area one time, but it was really real love, you guys!
Notably present: A video so polished that Mr Sheen is like ‘WHUTTT GURL I DIDN’T RUB SHIT ON YOU, SO HOW U GET SO SHINY? ‘ I was sort of waiting for an Apple logo to come up at the end because Taylor Swift is dressed like the hipster Steve Jobs in this video.
Notably absent: Seriously she doesn’t sing even about being in a forest or it raining even one time.
Notably present: Taylor Swift’s Mr Grinch eyebrows. They are here to slay and they will steal Christmas.
Notably absent: Maybe she’s going to come in on a white horse soon or something? No? What the fuck guys.
Notably present: Liberal use of black women as dancing accessories which will spawn a league of blogs dissecting what this means and how Taylor Swift is racist . Not this one though, as i’m way too fucking stupid for that shit.
Notably absent: Suggestions that she is going to literally follow you home.
Notably present: Taylor Swift is the peoples popstar, so of course she dances with hundreds of kids at the end. I mean i’m glad she’s stopped thinking shes Allie in The Notebook, but i’m not so sure how I feel about her getting loose with kids.
Notably absent: The REAL Shake It Off that will slay forever. T.Swift wishes she grabbed all her diamonds and clothes, just ask your momma she knows. Sorry Tay Tay, you’ll NEVER be Mimi, Dahlling.
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