Taylor Swift can literally fart in a microphone for a #1 hit.

Jewel-adorned buttercup princess, cat collector and former country singer Taylor Swift has proven that crossing over and waving “Bye, Bitch!” to Nashville is the way to go if your life goal includes “owning a state”.

Everywhere you go, IT’S TAYLOR SWIFT.  Taylor Swift managed to overcome the Taylor Swift fatigue….with more Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift wants you to think of her as an adorable fluffy kitten by association and it’s fucking working. Everyone loves Taylor Swift. Look how many times i’ve written the name Taylor Swift in like three sentences and it’s felt natural and right, because everything you read, do, breathe and see is TAYLOR SWIFT.

It turns out Canada is at the centre of the Swiftpidemic and they have a boner for her in a big way. And I mean like a six day viagra boner.

EntertainmentWise reports that Taylor Swift released eight seconds of white noise (“accidentally”) and it went to #1 in Canada immediately. Not only did her white noise go to #1, but it sold enough in the short time to remain #1,  beating out her #2 and #3 positions.

Taylor Swift's White Noise

Yeah so Taylor Swift literally has 4 out of the 10 top ten tracks in Canada, and one of them is literally nothing. Taylor Swift should probably shit in a box and sell it on the Canadian Ebay for $10,000,000, because Canada would clearly band together and buy that poop and place it in a little Taylor Swift’s Poo museum and charge people $500 a time to go and admire the poop.

Taylor Swift needs to realize what Britney realized a long time ago. When enough people are feverishly obsessed with you, then doing actual things like singing, dancing, showing up to things? Un-necessary! You just need to appear on EXTRA! once a year, string together a few words, talk about vanilla candles (you can even look disinterested and uncomfortable if you like) and have someone make a perfume for you. Et Voila.

At this stage i think Taylor Swift just released white noise to show Katy Perry that she’s the boss bitch, and I kind of like her for that.


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