Tag Archives: X Factor

The X-Factor final was a mess of epic proportions.

So if you are one of the unlucky ones who happened to tune in the finale of the X-Factor without a bottle of wine in hand then you have my sincere sympathy, because the only thing that could have made that fucked up mess watchable was the pleasure of intoxication and the subsequent fantasies of chucking the empty bottle at Gary Barlow on stage and seeing him fall off his piano at the end. Another year, another series of tragic nobodies who for three months, believe they are the hottest shit in the universe, and in two weeks, will learn what happens when you flush a hot shit down the pan when you’re done. The saddest part of the X-Factor is that contestants Sam and Nicholas were basically lost in a turbulent cyclone of fuckery that upstaged them at every juncture. A pub singer and a schoolboy didn’t stand a chance from the towering clusterfuck of egos spinning around them throughout. Where to start with this absolute catastrophe? Well let’s start with the duration…. IT WAS FUCKING LONG AS FUCK.This shit was longer than all of the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition’s played together in slow motion. At this rate the next finale will be held over the period of 2 weeks. I literally stopped counting ad breaks at #13. To the producer who thinks that we really need to see a re-cap of the story of Sam Bailey (Chubby Prison Officer Mum comes good, loses weight, has an old gran.) and Nicholas McDonald (Scottish boy with some kind of syndrome) – WE HAVE SEEN SO MANY RECAPS OF THEIR SOB STORIES OVER THE PAST THREE MONTHS THAT I KNOW THEIR LIVES BETTER THAN MY FUCKING OWN. STOP THAT NOW. Dermot O’Leary is a pretty winning presenter, but I...
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Britney Spears is looking really hot right now.

So Britney Spears has had a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of how cute she’s been looking over the past few years, but for her latest X-Factor appearances on the live shows i’ve gotta give her a slow hand clap, because obviously she’s been up at the gym just werkin on her fitness. Daddy Spears has obviously moved the ham chops to another table and Jason Trawick stumbled upon the idea of removing the Cheetos from her Frappe Machine cupboard.  Also on X-Factor this week, in a breaking development Brit appeared to be awake and started piping up with actual criticism and even took Simon down with an insult on his contestants after he critiqued on her song choice. Brit also came across well in her mentoring phase, where she seems stronger than any of the other judges – and also finally seems to have relaxed into the show after having been stiff in early stages. I guess its a testament to us always wanting MOAR from Brit Brit that any time she says anything even remotely near to what other talent show judges often to and fro with, it becomes a news story. 
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Britney Spears doesn’t run off / defecate on live tv.

Britney Spears appearing on live television six years ago. You’d have been cheaper to buy a rabid possum and let it run riot around a television set. But Britney has been heavily medicated sort-of-sane for years now, so when the media were gearing up for her live debut they were treating it like Hurricane Britney had just collided with a crazy front and would almost definitely squat on the judges desk and drop a duke nukem before running off crying. Unfortunately for the column inches, Britney appeared stable and gave lots of really uninteresting and non-committal critique. Seriously Britney basically called EVERYONE “AMAZING” which is a bit of a departure from her usual lean-in-and-say “NO”. She also continued the tradition of ageing and de-ageing about 15 years in VTS and Studio shots. Britney is like a mirage, every damn day she looks entirely different. The best thing about the live show was Khloe Kardashian. Khloe either thought she was in the cargo hold of a 747 (where she travels in the pets/animals category) or that she was still in the forest doing mating calls to the other bigfoot because she ROARED at the judges the whole time. Britney probably didn’t care as she was wearing earplugs the whole time.  Unbothered.
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The Does Britney Look Okay? Tour Greensboro

Previously on “Does Britney Spears Look Okay?” Britney hit an ace so hard she might as well have been called Federer. So it was with baited breath we waited to see if Britney could win a double. Well Britney is wearing more bandage dresses on this show than Victoria Grayson and unfortunately she nailed the dress but was not giving us the face this time. When Britney is tired and with the wrong makeup she can kind of look like a sad clown. SadClowney Spears is not loving being made to go back to work after vacation it would seem.
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The Does Britney Look Okay? Tour continues.

Britney Spears was once known for shaking her ham-chops for a cheque. Then she was known for walking gently around a stage snapping her fingers for a cheque, but as Britney will tell you she’s just a simple girl, and what’s more simple than sitting your ass down for four hours for a cheque? Enter a $15 Million cheque for X-Factor and all Britney has to do is sit down, but even that shit is proving a problem. Basically, it doesn’t even matter if Britney says anything in the entire run of the X-Factor. Much like her Femme Fatale tour, she turns up, everyone screams with excitement of how she is definitely not dead (allegedly) and more importantly about how good she looks.  I went to see that trainwreck tour and two girls infront of me were harassing security to ask if Brit’s hair extensions looked nice or if they were straight up dog shit and wool. Those Masters in the Art of Fuckery proceeded to tell the girls nothing other than that the gig was a fucking disaster. Slow hand clap for security ruining those girls night, totally the Kate Winslet’s of stage security. Give them a show called Bitchy Bodyguards. So back to the story at hand. If Britney can turn up looking like a functional human being and reading off of something other than a prescripted autocue, then we can throw a little party every day. Since Britney hasn’t actually spoken for herself in a good five years now, it’s kind of a miracle that she’s on this show AND she’s been looking great. Anyone who’s followed any kind of paparazzi magazine or website in the last six years knows that “Britney Spears” and “Looking Great” are about as likely to appear next to each other as “Christina Aguilera” and...
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Presenting Nicole Scherzinger, snatcher of dreams.

For some reason a sizable number of British people really like Cheryl Cole thanks to her solid ability to fake down-to-earth and her drop dead (only if she forgets to eat her smint every 12 hours) gorgeous looks. So who can blame the world for shouting a big “aww” when Cheryl’s American dream was strapped to the back of the van like Bambi’s mother? Who can we blame for all of this travesty that we’ve never really cared about anyway? Who’s responsible for making the pretty girl cry? Simon? FOX? No. I present to you Nicole Scherzinger, professional dream ruiner and fashion criminal. Nicole Scherzinger will cut a bitch if it gets her album to #9 in the Trending Topics on Twitter.  If Nicole smells an additional single digital download from a mass murderer, she will text a party invite to a Pussycat Doll with the murderers address on it.  As a matter of fact, Cheryl’s dream is not the only dream Nicole has trampled upon, she has a wall of Employee of the Month awards from the Snatch-A-Wish foundation. Dream: Six Girls make it big in pop music, travel the world internationally. Singing! Dancing! Celebritah! Nicole’s Touch: Fire the tranny. Do not associate with any of the band. Let it be known that you think you are above the rest of the group. Wait till band in apex of fame then leave and force band to call it a day. DREAM? SNATCHED!  Dream: Washed up celebrities head to tv talent show to work their asses off in order to be able to dance and subsequently regain some fame and influence. Nicole’s Touch: Waltz (literally) in with many decades of professional dancer experience, continue to have serious advantage over insecure washed up celebrities. Win that shit. DREAM? SNATCHED! Dream: A rising Hollywood...
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