Because old people are 80% more likely to have literally nothing else to do on a Saturday and Sunday night, Strictly Come Dancing continued its winning streak of beating out X-Factor as the competitive talent show of choice this weekend when it returned. Strictly was watched by an average of of 8.4 Million geriatrics around the communal room telly whilst X-Factor could only muster 7 Million teenage girls and bored couples over Marks & Spencers meal deal with a bottle of wine (Facebooked about at least one time during the show per couple). Not all bad news for X-Factor, though, as the show is still up year on year on Saturday with around 600,000 viewers, but being up against Strictly on Sunday saw it down a whopping 2 Million viewers. Ya burnt! I guess people really didn’t care that Bruce was shuffled off into the room where they show Strictly (aka the leafy retirement home) and was replaced by Claudia Winkleman’s bangs. TV pundits are surprised that X-Factor is still struggling this year as fuck knows that watching Mel B, Cheryl Chiquitita and Gay Simon is more entertaining than watching human plank of wood Nicole Scherzinger next to human tin of magnolia paint Gary Barlow. That said, there’s only so many northern women who’s mother died in a horrible unicycle accident and are on the show not for fame, but because they “want to make their 2 year old autistic son Dylan/Samuel/Parker proud” after he lost his father to the war that you can stomach before you decide you’ve seen your last slow-motion VT’s set to Snow Patrol songs. The X-Factor has milked the “public empathy” teet so hard with the worn-the-fuck out emotional manipulation button that the public now sees a ho in need on the ground, rolls their eyes, and steps over that bitch to jiggle to Mark...
Cheryl Cole aka Cheryl Fernandez-Chiquitita-Banana Hammock is back on X-Factor UK just a few short years after the public humiliation of being dropped from the show’s doomed US version because, Simon Cowell said, she’d gained weight and looked weird. Since Cheryl Cole is massively talented and has the voice of a thousand angels singing into a heavenly conch shell, she’s confident that she doesn’t need the massive publicity from the X-Factor to sell thousands and thousands of digital downloads to 12 year old girls with hearing issues. Cheryl told The Metro that the X-Factor is nothing to her career, and doesn’t think it has anything to do with her record sales despite the fact she literally just brought out new music for the first time since her last X-Factor appearance. Cheryl Said ‘I mean, I’ve just had a No.1 without the show. Almost 300,000 copies now I think it’s sold,’ she said of her duet with Tinie Tempah. The singer also downplayed the chart defeat she suffered at the hands of Justin Bieber when she released her third album in 2012 following her sacking from X Factor USA. ‘I’ve had three albums now. Two No.1s and one was only beaten by Justin Bieber by 3,000 copies. ‘Otherwise it would’ve been No.1,’ she said. Cheryl has a point, she was beaten by Justin Bieber by just 3,000 copies. But she was still beaten! This bitch reminds me of me when I used to come last in the sack race as school and I’d say shit like “Everyone only beat me because they had smaller sacks!” My giant sack has always been a problem. Anyway, Cheryl Cole just wanted us all to know that she’s super into X-Factor not for, you know, her career or money or anything, but because it’s all about THE...
After narrowly escaping a prison sentence for allegedly brokering a drug deal, Tulisa Constantinople’s new sausage lips and exquisite McDonalds arches eyebrows showed up at yet another court today, this time though Mrs Potato Head was not quite so lucky and each of her lips had to absorb a £100 fine a pop for assault. Tulisa and all of her new face parts were accused of assaulting a celebrity blogger (!) named Savvas Morgan which means that I am probably next and none of us haters are safe. Savvas’ account of his history with Tulisa paints the age old story of celebrity bloggers being composed, stable and genteel men who are definitely not lecherous and would never ever bury their face in an entire red velvet cake from the Hummingbird Bakery to drown the shallow hole that exists where their heart should be in delicious cream. Aherm. Anyway, the judge found Tulisa guilty of being rough as tits, and charged her a total of £3,020 according to the BBC which means that Tulisa has some sad nipples who are going to get wrinkly from the lack of botox this month. Tulisa is also charged with murdering her nasolabial folds with filler. The trial for that is continuing indefinitely.
Tulisa Constantinopleoisises, also known as the only X-Factor UK judge to be more rubbish somehow than Nicole Scherzinger, was released from court today with all charges dropped after the judge decided that the witnesses were lying. Tulisa was on trial after a newspaper reporter pretended to be a big Arab sheikh who promised her a $12 million starring film role in a Leo DiCaprio movie if she could sort him out with some charlie. One would generally wonder how a C-list singer from the United Kingdom failed to really consider the likelihood of being offered a Julia Roberts size salary to star in an A-List picture, but alas. Tulisa bought that shit up and so she charged the reporter for a baggy of coke. Mazher Mahmood, the reporter for The Sun was deemed to be giving “inconsistent evidence” and apparently the Judge suspected he had coerced his driver to give two different statements. When this proved to be so he had no option but to throw the case out. The real story here is not that Tulisa isn’t going to jail for dealing drugs, it’s that Tulisa’s stunning new Jodie Marsh face will live in the public eye for another day. Tulisa used to look like a regular human person, but since Kim Kardashian came on the scene every female celebrity is now endeavouring to look as much like a blow up sex doll in human form as is physically possible – so as with most societal problems we can probably just blame the Kardashians again. And as for her gently morphing into Jodie Marsh? Well which girl didn’t grow up wanting to look like Jodie Marsh?
Simon Cowell has admitted that he fired Nicole Scherzinger from this year’s X-Factor UK because he was pretty sure that there’d be a clash of the Ego titans between Nicole and Cheryl Cole. Speaking to the apex of modern journalism known as The Sun, Simon said that he “Didn’t think the two of them would work well together.” TRANSLATION: “I had a vision of the future in which Nicole was having a raging meltdown in her dressing room because Cheryl was wearing yellow and ONLY SHE WANTED TO WEAR YELLOW THIS WEEK and so I thought”Fuck this shit” and handed Nicole her pinkslip and put her on the 84 bus so she could catch her connecting flight back to irrelevance.” Simon had previously admitted that Cheryl only returned on the basis that she would have a say on who would be on the panel. Since Cheryl has been doing a great deal of sweet fuck all lately, it’s pretty impressive that she leveraged this kind of power – all of X-Factors 15 remaining viewers will be really excited to learn which basic bitch will be joining Cheryl on the panel. Both Cheryl and Nicole are known for their sub-par musical releases and their shampoo adverts, so maybe ITV were just stressed out that they’d spend every episode moaning orgasmically and telling girls that they’re werth it tew. All i can say is that what this season of X-Factor really needs to save it’s ailing ass is DRUNK PAULA!
It’s been a long time since Nicole Scherzinger had raised her cruel bitch-slapping vocals to beat one of the Pussycat Dolls back down to the level she kept them at, so no surprises that during the finale of X-Factor this year Nicole cracked her larynx and, keeping it classy, tried to outsing the winner Sam Bailey. Sam told STV “On the last note, [Scherzinger] was supposed to do a bit, me do a bit and then we do it together. I was waiting for my bit, and I was waiting and waiting… Nicole just held on to the note. Everyone was saying she totally overpowered it and stole my thunder. I hear what they’re saying, but I’d just won so I didn’t care.” Somewhere,by a fireplace in the Shire, Melody Thorton is about to hand the ring to Sam Bailey so that she can hope to end the darkness that overpowered Melody for once and for all. Only Nicole Scherzinger would so shamelessly steal a note from a nobody trying to make it big in order to impress the viewing public. Just in case you wondered what that vocal clusterfuck sounded like – the video is above. L If a show setlist reads ‘Ft Nicole Scherzinger’ at any point you can set your watch to the exact time when Nicole tries to steal the spotlight (Spoiler Alert: it happens around the 0:00 mark)
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