Being Scottish, I have been subject to a great many glorious, slick and not-at-all bargain basement media productions over the years selling everything from carpets to shoe insoles. Scotland’s commercial production ability makes the East Hills Mall advert look sort of like Schindler’s List. So it’s no surprise that esteemed and renowned (by all 10 of its employees) Ayrshire based Thorne Travel took the first prize in tomfuckery when it produced it’s very own three minute epic. Because everyone on the internet naturally wants to sit for three minutes and watch an advert for a travel agent. In the ad we learn a lot about how body-con dresses are like the pants from the Sisterhood of the Travelling pants and fit everyone, we learn that women in Ayrshire are indeed built like a Greggs sausage roll and we learn that no matter how uncomfortable it may appear, holding your hand on your hip is EVERYTHING. In addition, it’s probably important that your travel agent has this guy Because nothing says “trustworthy and reliable” like a man wearing a one-size-fits-all £14.99 Halloween costume from a sex shop. You go Thorne travel, you go.
Sorry Beyonce, Sorry Alicia Keys, Sorry John Legend – no point in turning up at the Grammy’s this year because song of the year, record of the year, rap record of the year, video vanguard award, and whatever other shit goes on at the Grammy’s is all going to a new smash hit global sensation and you will all just deal. Summertime is Great by family band “Three Beat Slide” (aka the next Jackson Five) features the slickest production, most stunning powerhouse vocals and frankly all-round impeccable song-writing of all time. This groundbreaking family band know not only how to produce next-level music which speaks across generations, but are also on the cutting edge of haute couture fashion (for Wyoming) and took a quick second out of nailing The Oregon Trail on their Apple II to show us, YES you can look like pure charisma in human form when wearing a pink bathing suit. YES you can keep it sultry when riding a bike through a field. YES you can make a scarf into a fun game for one and all And YES YES YES you can sport elegantly high waisted trouser/sneaker combinations as a timeless look for barbecuing under the shade of the trees. All of your summer dreams come true in Summertime is Great, like a spirital sequel to a Bob Marley summer jam. Heidi Montag and Backdoor Farrah are definitely knocking down Three Beat Slide’s door for their songwriting and production expertise…and who can blame them? Who needs verses, pitching, or timing? The future of music has arrived, and its looking a lot like Summertime. What does worry me for this exciting, emerging talent is the possible presence of Diana Ross syndrome. The Diana is clearly Daddy Slade. Daddy Slade may have had the least screentime of all, but...
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