Tag Archives: Trainwreck

Here’s Lindsay Lohan looking the picture of sobriety

Nothing says “sober clean-living recovering party girl” like getting your tits out and looking like you’ve injected a states-worth of crack into your veins next to a random dude in your hotel room. And so goes the story of Lindsay Lohan, Queen of the Flopback. Lindsay landed in Cannes recently to promote a movie that isn’t even being made yet called Inconceivable. In case you don’t remember some dumb bitch producer decided to cast Lindsay in the movie essentially because it needed someone famous to get it even made. What those ho’s forgot is that casting Lindsay in a movie costs you Cameron Diaz’s salary alone in insurance costs because surprise surprise, the people who actually have money aren’t all that comfortable with a lead actress who may at any stage steal, smoke or smash up anything she see’s in a fifteen metre radius. Lindsay has also recently been accused by Radar Online of being into MDMA and Ecstacy.  If the Holy Oprah can’t save Lindsay Lohan then the only person who can is the master artist who made Nicole Kidman’s new face out of rubber and silica.    
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MooMi must really be deaf from SoulCycle

Remember that rumour that Moomz went deaf from too much SoulCycle (she lost a lot of weight and then didn’t release any music – and if you know one thing about Mariah Carey it is that she will drop 30lbs for a music video and a music video ALONE) well if this video of Moomi on the Today show is anything to go by, that rumour was true and she’s still as deaf as that adorable deaf pug. Except that adorable deaf pug can now sing better than Mariah Carey. She sounds like she’s channelling the crack voice of Whitney Houston here, which would be an accurate parallel for vocal degradation.  Mariah cares so much about nailing this track (but not really) that she forgets the words at 1.55 and makes up the line “I don’t know the words to my own song and I don’t care.”  and she stops mid-song to direct a cameraman to “get a good angle”. (Side shot of team of 100 bringing in Mariah’s specially designed Kino Flos) Moomz then goes on to start opening her mouth and acting like notes were coming out, but they weren’t (2:38). Turns out those notes were the high notes she can no longer hit that were digitally added by NBC when it went live because Moomz didn’t want a repeat disaster of her last year’s  GMA caterwauling. I don’t know why this delusional butterfly empress keeps going into the studio and hitting “RECORD” on the dolphin register if she knows she can’t hit those notes anymore. Bitch needs to know no-one really likes hearing her sounding like a sea mammal in distress anyway. In addition to being deluded about her voice,  the Mariah Carey that was on that Today Show stage was giving shades of HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN? at the “I AM. MARIAH. THE...
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Justin Bieber has celebrities showing 50 Shades of 2007

Paris Hilton is showing up on red carpets flashing her snatch. Lindsay Lohan is in a desperate situation, and the biggest popstar in the planet right now is acting out in worrying ways. No, it’s not Brit Brit and this isn’t 2007. It’s bucket-pissing, fan spitting all round good jerk Justin Bieber and for his DUI arrest with a blood alcohol level of about what I am before 7am every day, celebrities are LOSING THEIR SHIT and the internet is exploding. Okay, so IMMA LET YOU HAVE YOUR BREAKDOWN JUSTIN BIEBER, but i’d just like to say BRITNEY HAD THE WORST BREAKDOWN OF ALL TIME. Justin Bieber’s breakdown has thus far consisted of driving with what all of my teachers have ever needed to get them by my high school years in his system, which i guess is too much for popstars who’ve only recently graduated to the big boy toilet. But that is not going to stop celebrities stepping up to the noble cause of protecting Justin from becoming a programmed femmebot gently shaking his arms to former hits for the next six years, and also from the insensitivity of a public who gently giggled as Britney Spears teetered around death seven years ago. Ariana Grande, another toddler who attended the Mariah Carey school of being Mariah Carey, is very upset about the arrest and is acting like Justin’s hood rat phase is like OMGZ BRITNEY ON A STRETCHER. She said “I think it’s really serious. I’ve seen tweets of people making fun of the mugshot and all this stuff, and it’s so ignorant. “It’s gotten to a point where I just want him to be okay. It’s this very serious thing. It’s not just like a kid who’s, you know screwing around, it’s dangerous. It’s very serious and upsetting” And...
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I’m beginning to notice a pattern here.

Since no-one with an insurance policy worth a shit can/will/should employ Lindsay Lohan in one of their movies, the only way that Orange is the new Crack can get into a movie these days is by literally stalking the shit out of producers and directors until they say yes. Lindsay harassed her way into Samantha Ronson’s clam shell. Then she harassed her way onto the dick of the convict looking one from The Wanted and as Lilo is not one so miss a trick, so after essentially forcing the producers to cast her as Liz Taylor and creating a thousand lifetime movie drinking games in the process, she’s now tracking down essentially any rich or jewish looking men in suits to fund her movies. At Sundance, Lindsay turned up (late) to announce that she’s now in a new movie that hasn’t been made yet, but she wants someone to direct plz. As per usual, Lindsay “fell in love with the script”. I feel like if Lindsay Lohan thought a show about her reading a newspaper for 25 minutes would be broadcast, she’d “fall in love with the script”. And to follow up her love for all things on pieces of paper with the word “script” in the header,  La Lohan added….  “I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”” I’m sure that the highest calibre writers in the genre today are rushing to provide the next Se7en for Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay must be real...
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