Tag Archives: The Hunger Games

‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1’ opens softer than expected.

In tragic sob-worthy news, 2014 has become the year where Hollywood executives have been forced to trade in their blood-diamond encrusted jacuzzis to ones made from humble silver and aluminum, because people have finally had enough of paying eight hundred dollars to go and see a movie being constantly interrupted by twats with mobile phones. Box office grosses are significantly down year on year, and because Hollywood executives are largely a bunch of stupid fucks, the industry was pinning all of its hopes on “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One” to make dat money. It has, of course, but not enough for those greedy anuses! The movie opened to $17 Million from midnight showings despite widespread snowstorms on the eastern seaboard and no I-MAX grosses to help boost the returns this time around. That’s right, literally millions of people went to watch this shit at midnight through a fucking snowstorm and yet Hollywood execs are running out into the street, throwing their hands in their air and screaming “WHYYYY, WHYYYY CRUEL WORLD??” because they expected that shit to do marginally better.  Mockingjay also is estimated to be grossing $55.5 Million on Friday for around $130 Million this weekend which is almost a quarter down from Catching Fire and even down from the original Hunger Games (both opened above $150 Million) and those bitches are confused as to why. So I thought I’d help them figure it out. Reason number one: and Reason Number two   Those bitches got greedy! Mockingjay still got decent reviews and is getting solid word of mouth, but it’s definitively tepid compared to Catching Fire, and the reason? Because they took the shortest, weakest book in the series and split it into two entire two hour movies to make more fucking money. I saw Mockingjay on Wednesday and that shit is...
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The Hunger Games: Catching Fire causes widespread lounge arguments.

  The Hunger Games: Catching Fire starring Your Best Friend, has finally arrived on DVD and home video – and it’s already causing huge household drama for families across America. Including yours. Like, you totally NEED to get out of there because everyone is being super unreasonable and not listening to your point of view. Reports say that the undertones and allegories of the movies have finally become clear to families  who just saw the first one as “a bit of fun” . “I couldn’t believe the Hunger Games was essentially a thinly masked debate and statement on society. It’s about a choice…a message of having the choose between a dark haired, handsome supermodel – or a dirty blonde average looking boy.” said Debbie Jones, 14. Debbie’s household has been in an uproar since watching the film on Saturday night with, Debbie says “Some shitty popcorn dad always buys from a discounter.” Debbie was insistent that the poor quality of the popcorn further soured an already traumatic film night. “I wish we’d never bought The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” said Debbie’s dad, Andrew as he aggressively stirred his coffee. “I mean, we all enjoyed the first one as a family, but I guess we didn’t really think about what the film was forcing upon us back then….like I just thought it was clear that Peeta was the one you’d go with – he’s really kind and sensitive  and he has that dreamy smile, I bet his skin is supple and soft too…. but the women in my family disagreed” Peeta or Gale, it’s the eternal question which continues to ruin lives across America. There was reportedly widespread eye-rolling and deep division over breakfast the next morning in the Jones household, and so deep the rift is that mother Sarah Jones...
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SO NuttyMadam moved on….

Turns out that Twihards have even forgotten about RPattz. Nutty Madam has moved on. Shes throwing shade with her hot new friends – the people in the trailers for the Hunger Games movies. Nutty Madam knows that Twilight aint nothin but a thang and the Hunger Games is JENNIFER LAWRENCE WONDER. You have to kind of worry for her children someday, because you know she’d call the first one Bella and the second Katniss and Bella would be immediately forgotten about on a park swing when Katniss arrives. Why aren’t there more GIFs of Nutty Madam? With such classic one liners as “Burn that Flag, Burn that Fucking Flag” and “Oh Fuck Off Gale!” and breaking into tears when the trailer tells you things you’ve known for each and every one of the 140 times you’ve read the book as if you had no idea is a real talent.
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