A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong. It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“. As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why. It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.
If what you are looking from in a pop song is “autotune until it’s almost unbearable” and a distinct lack of melody or lyrics, then you’re in luck – because everyone’s least favourite suppository from 2001 is back with her new smash flop “Come Alive”. In the video, Paris Hilton copy and pastes Mariah Carey’s unicorn and candy-floss cloud dreams directly onto the screen and instead of the glorious photoshopped Mimi communicating with dolphins, we instead have the hangover that we thought Kim Kardashian was brought on earth to erase by that dark sided magic spell. Paris gives such insightful observations on culture and society as Living a dream Having fun Love is my addiction I don’t care what they say This life I’m gonna live it My life can get so crazy Oh yeah oh oh Our life is so amazing It’s like forever Only time will tell How I feel about you Which is really making me think at this stage that Tracey Chapman, Joni Mitchell, and Bob Dylan must have had a real fucking overnight session to get this one out of the door in time for Paris to record it. Paris’ last single ‘Good Time’ went triple CASH4GOLD and as such it only makes sense that her label were keen to release this. What makes me confused and hurt inside as a human being more than anything else is that delusional music critics on the internet continuously shower us with such ridiculousness as suggesting that this latent teabag of a pop record could ever be passably considered a “hit” if it were recorded by another artist. This could be recorded by the ghost of Michael Jackson in a romantic duet with the ghost of John Lennon featuring a rap interlude by the Ghost of Princess Diana...
Backdoor Farah aka Farrah Abraham has been keeping the world on tenterhooks as a single paid manager hoardes of fans burn up the message boards with speculation of what her next single will sound like. Her first two songs were widely praised, were praised, were released as part of her album which WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK no surprises The Guardian called one of it’s best albums of 2013 so obviously the fans were wild with anticipation of Backdoor Farrah’s new musical direction. Since Farrah cares about her fans she’s kept to her same brand of mis-timed autotuned vocals as a statement on pop culture that GAGA could NEVER. “BLOWIN” isn’t just a statement about what Farrah does on the weekends, but it’s also a statement on how hard it is to be so famous as successful, which are two of the first things you might think of when the name “Backdoor Farrah” comes into your head. Heidi Montag, reigning queen of pop, must be deeply concerned by this mindblowing and epic release in which Farrah keeps it raw and real with lyrics such as Im blowin (I’m blowin) All these bullies away (REPEAT!) Celebrity -Celebrity –Celebrity Celebrity -Celebrity -Celebrity Being yourself is makin you famous Farrah is truly an introspective and deeply multi-layered songwriter. Somewhere in the countryside in France Joni Mitchell just threw her pen down, grabbed a bottle of wine and said “Done. Can’t be topped” Take a listen above or click here if the video isn’t displaying.
Any of those who were with us during the dark days of 2005 will remember that it was not just the appalling writing of Deli Llama that kept you coming back for more, it was also the terrible writing of Getluv now known as Deli Manager. Hopefully we can recruit a few Deli Servers and we’ll have a full sandwich bar. Getluv has a lot to get his head around, so please lets all give him a slow handclap on his return.
Alex Reid, who you may remember for this Can now be also credited not only as cross-dresser, boxer, Jordan piece and baby-daddy of reality tv star kids, but now he can also now add “Massively Talented Singing Sensation” to his list of accolades. Alex needs to join Heidi Montag and Courtney Stodden in a Nu-Supremes trio (with Heidi obviously being the LEAD) in which they use the raw power of their naturally beautiful and stunning voices to blow away sold out stadium after stadium in a world tour that will make U2 quiver. I just wanted to take the time to thank Cascada and David Guetta for inflicting this brand of pop music into the world. You know Euro-Rave-Lite pop was really devoid in car radios across the land, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in thinking my commute would be better if my entire journey sounded like the audible translation of Ecstasy and a Wetherspoons on a Saturday Night.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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