I have no idea what the hell happened to Taylor Swift’s guitar, but she dropped it in a lake somewhere this weekend to try her very best at being Britney Spears for this years AMAs. I have to say, i did not hate it. Taylor’s performance felt like a Backstreet Boys music video from the late 90s and I think at this stage everyone was just glad it wasn’t Nicki Minaj live again or another performance of Rihanna strutting up and down a stage. She even got down on the ground and did things on the floor that made you feel dirty because in everyone’s minds shes still like 16. Whatever the Hell a Nicki Minaj Is and Justin Bieber served us up some shaky-ass-vocals and some Chris Hansen flavors of wrong as the Beebz tried to dry hump up upon whatever the hell that Minaj is to their broke ass collaboration which is basically the new pinnacle of musical bankruptcy. A plastic doll and another plastic doll drag the name of your favourite Disney classic through the mud. Britney Spears wasn’t in attendance, but id imagine her reaction to the above performance would have looked a little something like this
It’s almost the end of 2012 (not really) but it IS the time where people totally ignore the fact we have two calendar months left before both A. Artists stop selling albums that qualify as being part of the year and B. The world ends because its the Kardashians will finally reveal their devious endgame as the rapture opens. So it’s clearly time for us to hastenly crown the most influential pop artists of 2012 according to absolutely nobody except me! This list has been waited for by absolutely nobody with baited breath for many seconds. So I won’t keep you any longer. Let’s begin the countdown after the jump…… 10. Nicki Minaj Well this big tittied troll should be no surprise to anyone really as she’s been on every single record in 2012 released. Nicki did what any good popstar needs to do to sell records, she got her newly fake tits out at every single possible occasion and also completely sold out. Starships is not just complete pop, it’s complete pop eurotrash club nonsense, and it’s kind of fun anyway. For chart domination worldwide and branding herself as a dysfunctional human Barbie with an acid tongue we have to give Nicki some props. 9. Adam Levine Adam Levine may be annoying a dumb douche. But we’d all still hit it repeatedly from every direction. As the helmer of Maroon 5, Adam smartly embraced his obvious ego by joining a talent show as a judge, and in the process has managed to keep his music top-of-mind with the record buying public. Get this, Maroon 5 have been in the mainstream scene for 10 years now. TEN YEARS. How fucking old does that make you feel? Their brand of U2-Lite pop-rock that sells to largely teenage audiences has continued to stay relevant long past...
Incase you’ve been sucked into Christina Aguilera’s Halloween backfat for the past five months then you might not be aware that everyone’s favourite failed Kennedy, Taylor Swift has a new cd out called “My Lipstick will now always be Red”. Squints might as well called it “Fuck FUCK FUCK YOU IN THE FACE Jake Gyllenhaal” as it’s basically 16 songs about her three month relationship with him, which to him was probably average sex and to her was A FAIRYTALE MADE IN HEAVEN AND THEN IT ALL ENDED TOO SOON. Now before we get all judgemental on Squints for writing and writing and writing about 3 months OF DATING as if she’s been with him forever and ever please observe the following. If shit ended with Jake you’d be pretty messed up too. Jake totally ticked all of Squints boxes, because he was sensitive being an alleged two-triber, has the luscious chest hair of a friendly grizzly bear (like Mr Masters the Bear in Taylor’s fairytale book), and also has the sparkling eyes of a My Little Pony, which makes sense for Taylor since her next perfume is obviously going to be the smell you get when you rub Tangerine Sunset. We should be giving Kudos to Squints because not only did she tap this repeatedly for 3 months, but she also just sold 1.21 Million Copies of the CD about him in one week, and an additional 4.5 Million individual track downloads. So whilst Jakey is shimmying his wares in box office flop after box office flop, Squints is counting her money and laughing with her freakishly large yet surprisingly adorable teeth. In addition, Squints has just announced a “FUCK YOU JAKE GYLLENHAAL” tour which she is calling “The Red (With Anger at Jake Gyllenhaal) Tour” for censorship reasons. It’s going to be a...
Since Mariah Moomi Carey already had her ideal wedding dress (above) made up, Taylor Swift couldn’t go for butterfly princess as inspiration. However, Alfred Angelo sensed a teardrop on a guitar and in a quick minute was making sure that Taylor didn’t cut herself in an enchanted forest using her blood to write an uptempo HOT 40 country-pop song titled ”Goodbye Cruel World” Yes Alfred got to work on creating Taylors wet dream – he’s made Disney Princess inspired wedding dresses!! Belle de what now!? Now a thousand million musical theater chicks can stop going bankrupt and abusing their sewing kits figuring out how they can transform Glinda’s dress into their own desperate drabs for the gay dude they went to university with, and instead focus on DISNEY! Taylor is practically blind because she’s squinting with joy so much at this.
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