Tag Archives: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” music video is the best video of her career.

New overlord Taylor Swift has been busy amassing kittens and selling shit-tonnes of CD’s lately, but not too busy to film a music video for her new 30th single from “1989” titled “Blank Space”. In the video, Taylor Swift parodies Taylor Swift by acting exactly like Taylor Swift does. Taylor is like “OMG GUYS it’s so funny you think i behave like this! hahahah, like, whatever. I definitely don’t! HAHAHA. No but really. I don’t.” The modern love story we see is a video representation of dating whilst on Tinder. Taylor goes for it hard by doing her best version of Alex Forrest. We are missing some creepy effigies hanging upside down, but she does a pretty good job of portraying “Crazy, needy, psycho girlfriend” because that’s exactly what Taylor Swift is.  Either way, Taylor Swift should pretty much wear this crazy diva wearing leopard skin dresses all the time now because it’s working for me in a big way. Seeing a chick in leopard print always does it for me, because you know those tears are due to a broken condom.  
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Taylor Swift squints hard but can’t reach that Britney record.

Taylor Swift debuted at #1 on the Billboard 100 chart this week with “1989” shipping 1.287 Million copies, giving her the biggest selling week of her career, breaking the record as first female to have both two and three million-selling frames under her belt, giving her the biggest album opening week since 2002 and also making her the only 2014 release to sell over a million copies, not just in a week, but altogether. The last million selling album in a week was Swift’s own  “Red” in 2012.  The list of impressive achievements goes on and on. The one record that Taylor didn’t swipe in the end was Britney’s now untouchable opening frame for “Oops, I Did it Again, Y’all!” which analysts got a little over-excited about this week when they declared that The Trailer Park Princess would finally be dethroned. It wasn’t to be. But Britney’s 1.319 Million selling “Oops” debut accounted for only around 8% of album sales opening week, whilst Taylor accounted for 22% with “1989“, a reflection of how impressive the achievement is, how fucking obsessed everyone is with this fluffy kitten masquerading as a human female, and how Taylor Swift is going to become our dark overlord any day now. NPR theorizes that Taylor Swift is selling so much because she’s not being a lazy bitch and she’s working harder than any other ho in the game right now.  Beyonce didn’t even bother promoting “BEYONCE”, Britney refuses to even do promo any more, and there’s only so many times you can see Rihanna pat her snatch before your yawning and turning the page. Sure, Katy Perry promotes a lot, but she’s Katy Perry so logic stands that everyone is immediately less likely to buy her CD if they see and hear her on tv. The nearest selling...
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Taylor Swift can literally fart in a microphone for a #1 hit.

Jewel-adorned buttercup princess, cat collector and former country singer Taylor Swift has proven that crossing over and waving “Bye, Bitch!” to Nashville is the way to go if your life goal includes “owning a state”. Everywhere you go, IT’S TAYLOR SWIFT.  Taylor Swift managed to overcome the Taylor Swift fatigue….with more Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift wants you to think of her as an adorable fluffy kitten by association and it’s fucking working. Everyone loves Taylor Swift. Look how many times i’ve written the name Taylor Swift in like three sentences and it’s felt natural and right, because everything you read, do, breathe and see is TAYLOR SWIFT. It turns out Canada is at the centre of the Swiftpidemic and they have a boner for her in a big way. And I mean like a six day viagra boner. EntertainmentWise reports that Taylor Swift released eight seconds of white noise (“accidentally”) and it went to #1 in Canada immediately. Not only did her white noise go to #1, but it sold enough in the short time to remain #1,  beating out her #2 and #3 positions. Yeah so Taylor Swift literally has 4 out of the 10 top ten tracks in Canada, and one of them is literally nothing. Taylor Swift should probably shit in a box and sell it on the Canadian Ebay for $10,000,000, because Canada would clearly band together and buy that poop and place it in a little Taylor Swift’s Poo museum and charge people $500 a time to go and admire the poop. Taylor Swift needs to realize what Britney realized a long time ago. When enough people are feverishly obsessed with you, then doing actual things like singing, dancing, showing up to things? Un-necessary! You just need to appear on EXTRA! once a year, string together a few words,...
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Taylor Swift has a new song about Harry Styles

Taylor Swift has made an entire career of being this generation’s Carly Simon, and by that I mean Taylor Swift bones famous people, writes songs about them, then never ever tells who it’s about, aside from setting up a huge flashing light above the song with the name of the person that it’s about. Now that dating Jake Gyllenhaal for four seconds finally dried up in terms of “I’m cutting myself because you broke me when you passed me in a crowded hall” material, Tay Tay has moved on to using her former partner in bearding Harry Styles to write long love songs about. Im not saying that this song isn’t actually about Harry Styles but Tay Tay is using him to make money..but this song is probably not about Harry Styles and she’s using him to make money. MEDIA PLAYER EMBEDDED SONG REMOVED AT REQUEST OF BPI / TAYLOR SWIFT. Song: “Out of the Woods” by Taylor Swift | Album: 1989 – Buy this song on iTunes now. This seriously sounds like something that got cut from Pat Benetar’s last album, which is both a compliment and I guess is the vibe she’s going for with this record. It’s funny because I figured being an international pop star touring the world whilst churning out albums once every 18-20 months, that Taylor Swift may not have had time to actually date enough to make a whole new album about failed romances, especially given she’s spent almost all of her adult life in this situation. But it looks like she’s now taking handshakes from strangers on board as romantic engagements and writing songs about it. If you sneeze near Taylor Swift bitch will write about it in a song about how it was cold outside and you sneezed and smiled at her and it made...
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Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ Music Video

Remember when Taylor Swift was still holding a guitar and trying to make you believe she’d just fallen out of a barn after telling her boyfriend she wasn’t ready yet? Well on her last album, Taylor did a little thing called  “Selling The Fuck Out!” and her label obviously liked the sound of eight million wallets falling open, cause  Taylor has another pop album coming out and she’s released a new single and video for that shit. Whatever country backwater town Taylor Swift once came from is now a distant cackle to her at a fancy industry event where, with this song, she’s effectively doing the following.
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Princess Buttercup of the Forest is really one of us.

Princess Buttercup of the Forest aka Taylor Swift has long been known for her extremely questionable taste in male genital touching partners because when your head is literally filled with Princess Sofia songs and Twilight books then you don’t really have much of a radar from when a peen is just looking for a poon to be its glove. So anyway, in between Taylor looking at every dark haired penis who tells her she’s really pretty as her knight in shining armour – she managed to find time to surprise us all. Taylor and he new BFF Selena Gomez are apparently no longer friends because she knows that Justin Bieber is a pimple on humanity’s arse crack that no matter how hard we try to burn off with salicylic acid we can’t purge.
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