Tag Archives: Scarlett Johansson

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
Read More »

Scarlett Johansson is the new box office queen.

Did you know Scarlett Johansson is getting paid up to $20 Million per movie right now?  Hollywood have decided no other doe-eyed woman can emote slutty and vacuous all at once like Scarlett Johansson. And Scarlett Johansson may have just proved those sleazy old fucks right, because this weekend her starring role in Lucy has laid waste to Dwayne Johnson’s Hercules and will be the #1 film of the weekend. Lucy is on track to gross up to $44 Million this weekend though shitteous exit polling suggests it’s going to drop like a rock. But the fact that Scarlett Johansson just opened a movie over $20 Million, never mind $40 Million is surprising. I’d always pictured her as kind of a perfuctionary secondary character. Girlfriend, crew member, background noise. I guess I’m alone there. She’s playing in the Bullock/Jolie league of openings now. Lucy only cost $40 Million, so that shit is going to be hella profitable. Should be noted women have had a pretty phenomenal year at the box office, and a good decade on the whole. Maybe Hollywood is finally, finally paying attention. And So It Goes flopped hard this weekend grossing no more than $4.5 million. That movie that always looked like a steaming shit version of “Something’s Gotta Give” and I’m not sure how many more times Diane Keaton can act like Meryl Streep on crack before someone punches her in the neck. Calm down, Diane. Elsewhere, that Purge sequel keeps doing better than anyone expected despite a horrific second weekend drop-off, and Tammy looks to be closing in on around $90 Million for it’s final total. From DEADLINE 1). Lucy (UNI), 3,173 theaters / $15.4M to $17M Fri. / Total est. cume: $42.8M to $44.5M / Wk 1 2). Hercules (MGM/PAR), 3,595 theaters / $11M Fri. / Total est. cume: $28.3M...
Read More »

Scarlett Johansson’s Google Alerts totally hate Dylan Farrow

Scarlett Johansson has a new indie movie out right now that for once isn’t basically her in skin-tight leather pouting for two hours, so she’s working the ho stroll extra hard because at the core of it, Scarlett wants you to remember you saw her pouting her way through an indie movie when you first fell in love with her buoyant breasts and perfectly curved buttocks. The Guardian was chatting to ScarJo about boring ScarJo stuff when they decided to ask her how she felt about Dylan Farrow dragging her ass into the family affair known as Woody Allen allegedly molesting her. ScarJo dealt with the situation with the gentle care a Hollywood actress who dropped it like its hot on a bunch of starving children might. llen’s estranged daughter, published an open letter in which she accused him of abusing her and condemned the film industry’s silence on the matter. In it, she pointed a finger at actors who have worked with Allen, including Johansson. It must have been a very uncomfortable experience being named in the letter, I say. How did you respond to it? “I think it’s irresponsible to take a bunch of actors that will have a Google alert on and to suddenly throw their name into a situation that none of us could possibly knowingly comment on. That just feels irresponsible to me.“ That Dylan Farrow is such a selfish bitch! How dare she drag ScarJo’s poor google alerts account into this mess! How was she to know the havoc she’d wreak on ScarJo’s iPhone. Poor ScarJo probably had to stop looking at pictures of herself for hours to get through the story after story of herself on Google Alerts. Damn you, Dylan Farrow – you are the new arch nemesis of Google Alerts and ScarJo’s...
Read More »

Scarlett Johansson’s Captain America Poster

Scarlett Johansson in the new poster for the Captain America sequel proving that yes, Mariah Carey’s airbrush artists are occasionally allowed out of the sweatshop to undertake freelance projects, and that the only thing to distract people from the controversy of money grabbing is the controversy of unrealistic self-image propagation through photo manipulation
Read More »

Scarjo might be best paid actress ever in Hollywood.

Scarlett Johnasson has pouted her way to becoming the best paid actress of all time ever, according to the Daily Mail. ScarJo has huskily delivered her way to just north of $20 Million for her role in Avengers 2, which would mean she is one of only three actresses to ever be paid $20 Million in upfront salary for a movie. The $20m+ offer would put her just ahead of Julia Roberts’ $20 Million for Erin Brokovich and also ahead of Cameron Diaz’s $20 Million for Charlie’s Angels 2, and ahead of Angelina Jolie’s $20 Million for The Tourist.  So basically, all of the other ho’s paid that much had to literally act their shit off forever in successful leading roles and become A-listers in their own right to get what Scarjo is getting after less than a decade for headlining movies that flop harder than a goopy fish infront of a box of McNuggets. To be fair to her, Scarjo knows she’s about as bankable as my left testicle, and as such she did the exact same thing my left testicle would do if it were a movie star – counted the receipts for Avengers Assemble and used her contractual leverage to shout “CHEQUE PLEASE” knowing the producers have no damn option unless they want to Maggie Gyllenhaal her ass. This ho also knows that replacing an integral actor in a comic book movie sequel is like slapping a comic book nerd in the face with a burning first edition marvel. It’s not a good idea. So she told the producers to fill up a bath or ten of money for her and deliver it to her house or she’ll go eat a burger and star in some Woody Allen orgasm about somewhere else in Europe. Well Played Scarjo, Well Played.
Read More »
Scroll To Top