As the Britney Spears of 2014 consists of a plainly dressed woman driving to the gym, working out, buying Starbucks, going to soccer games with her kids and then dancing on a stage for a few hours a day, the tabloid industry have cruelly forced us to endure The Kardashians instead, but, in these dark days we struggle on knowing that we gave our glory days of vulturism up for the greater good of the Britney. Speaking of vultures and Britney, anal wart and former paparazzo/Britney Boyfirend Adnan Ghalib has run out of money to fund perfectly manured facial hair only designed for persian concubines and as such has sold his story, again, of the darkest days of Brit Brit seven years ago. As the article is actually quite sad and also long as fuck (Translation: He got £80,000 rather than £15,000) I will brief you on it because I’m a kind soul and also because no-one should have to read the journalism of The Sun. Adnan said that Britney Was high one minute then low the next when she took “vitamins” given to her by staff. Would cry uncontrollably and lock herself away in her room whenever a visitation with her children was cancelled, calling out their names in tears for hours. Had a mental breakdown at Christmas when she saw her kids presents under the tree and opened her kids presents clutching them and crying out their names. Had an adderall problem. DURR. Drank a lot of red bull. DOUBLE DURR. Thinks Britney is still in love with him. Errr… Had a pregnancy scare with him. Ew. Is a good mum. Agreed. Has no interest in working in music any more and wanted to quit in 2007 intending Blackout to be her last album. TRIPLE DURRR So all in all Adnan basically paints...
In a LA-DELI WORLD EXCLUSIVE, Snorlax of the smash hit television series and video game saga Pokemon has reportedly entered the Betty Ford clinic for substance and food addiction. Snorlax has been troubling close friends for years with erratic eating behaviour and passing out in public places. Initially put down to the strains of life as a celebrity, close friends say there are darker reasons behind the collapses. “Snorlax has been abusing Xanax and Ambien for years. He also is a huge stoner and eats huge amounts before mixing it with copious amounts of Xanax and Ambien. He just couldn’t handle the fame and developed massive anxiety about his size getting in the way for some reason.” Snorlax has had a rough year after splitting from JigglyPuff who was said to have exacerbated his sleeping issues and he called in March’s Interview Magazine “A fucking slut”. He accused JigglyPuff, also known as JP in the Hip Hop community of “sucking every producers dick in the game” for a track after JP’s career took a nosedive after a cocaine scandal hit the tabloids. Above: Jigglypuff’s indiscretions hit headlines this year. Snorlax first hit fame with Pokemon, but in recent years has been trying to carve out his own career as a film actor and general fat bastard. His VH1 Reality Show “Snorlaxing Relaxing and Maxing all Cool” was cancelled after low ratings, and public interest in him had dipped after his latest film flopped at the box office. Snorlax’s camp were contacted for comment on this article, but at the time of writing had not replied to our request.
Justin Beiber’s neighbours are the saddest, most upset millionaires this side of a BP oil spill, or so says TMZ and anyone with ears. Apparently, not only as My Little Ken been terrorizing the world with such obscenities as every single fucking thing that he commits to itunes, but his neighbours are also past this bitch crying when his mother tells him it’s time for bed and he cant stay up to watch SNL. The Home Owner’s Association in Bieber’s Calabasas hood fired off a letter to its residents … addressing a certain unnamed “celebrity” neighbor who has been wreaking havoc on their streets. It’s clear the HOA is targeting the Biebs … “The storyline concerns one of our celebrity residents confronting another celebrity resident over alleged dangerous driving.” Apparently Justin’s neighbours aren’t totally aces with him driving expensive sportscars at breakneck speeds through their community at all hours and inviting people whos names have the word “Lil” in it around to eat rusks and get high on watching a mobile spin around to Barney songs. I’m really surprised to learn this news, as if I had $15 Million to blow on a house in Calabasas I’d definitely be banking on hearing a toddler trying hoodrat stuff. Those dewey rich hos probably would give 100 Justin Biebers for just one Latarian Milton instead.
You know as a kid I used to go on about how hot Pamela Anderson was to hide my secret Steve Guttenberg crush (Not ashamed). Given that Pamela Anderson didn’t always look like a cracked out chain-smoking waitress on route 66, it kind of worked. Probably not so much today… Anyway, it turns out what I was doing at 12 is the same thing as Pastor Joe Simpson has been doing with his daughters breasts all his damn life. You’ve heard him audibly drool over Jessica Simpson’s tittieballs and essentially shout “WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO BANG HER?” at every press event she’s ever attended, but turns out uncomfortable overtones of incest are ALL A FACADE. Above: LIES. According to everyone, Joe Simpson’s marriage breakdown has been attributed to his secret and scandalous relationship with 21 year old TWINK TO RULE THE TWINKS Bryce Chandler Hill. Above: Alleged human Male Bryce Chandler Hill. Just to clarify as it isn’t super clear from the above image, Bryce might look like a pretty lesbian after hitting the frosted lipgloss harder than Xtina hits it EVERYTHING at a MAC Counter (And/Or All You Can Eat Buffet for that matter) but he is indeed a male, and that means Papa Joe is a gay! Bryce is supposedly the reason Papa Joe’s marriage fell apart, because wife Tina stumbled upon the shocking scandal when she realized a whole bunch of money from her joint account with Joe had hopped out of there to take a vacation in Bryce’s gift bag, and she also noticed that Bryce’s headshots were taken in their family home. Joe might as well have worn a string vest and aussiebums if this is his secrecy game. Epic failure. Somewhere in the mix, Jessica’s friend Cacee Cobb has reappeared. Cacee basically was enlisted by Tina to find out...
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