Tag Archives: Scandal

Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow to split

Because being married to Gwneyth Paltrow is like being committed to a dried up riesen who forces you to take a daily enema, the separation announcement that absolutely nobody saw coming  (read: even fucking water bears saw this coming)  has finally dropped where Goopy decided to announce that Chris is off doing Lovey things without her now. Conscious Uncoupling It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner. Love, Gwyneth & Chris Only Goopy could make a split-up statement seem like she’s trying to find the origins of religion. Now now, I know what your thinking, blame the woman – how predictable…what if Chris had a roving dick, what if Goopy didn’t actually fuck some millionaire.Well  to that I say, fuck you reader! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow! Sex with Gwyneth Paltrow is probably like dry fucking a rusty mattress spring (Because she’s rolled over and let you have your way with it so she doesn’t get an achey pelvis for Yoga). Romance with Gwyneth Paltrow is like trying to seduce the trunchbull (Because Paris is...
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Jon Gosselin is pissed about Kate+8 Revival

Jon Gosselin, also known to Ed Hardy as their ARCH NEMESIS, has been hiding away in the woods for a while drinking Coors Lights with some ho called Penny or something, who even cares, I can’t even. Anyway Jon is not dead and he wants us all to know that he’s super mad about the Kate+8 Revival special. And by that I of course mean he’s supermad that TLC have been vigilant in using the hemmaroid creams that have effectively removed Jon Gosselin from their asses. Jon said “I was heartbroken to learn my children are participating in yet another TV project, especially an ‘update’ special,” the reality star told E! News exclusively on Friday. “Even without a current television show, they still live a very public life. They’re still constantly in and out of the media; updates are given practically daily via social media.” Which is interesting, because he was totally fine about his children participating in a TV project for five seasons over three years. But I guess drinking so much Coors Light has shown Jon the…erm, light? Jon expressed his outrage toward TLC because the network “didn’t feel the situation warranted even a simple phone call to me….The special is to update people about their lives, Well, there are other people in their life besides their mother,” Which roughly translates to “I WANT MONEY TLC YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.” Jon went on to parp (Parping, ive missed you from my vocabulary….you were so violently abused in Smash Hits magazines of my wild heady teenage days,) that he is “worried for them” as they “don’t need the added pressure of being in the public eye” and he still wants Kate will tell the cameras that sorry, because Jon isn’t getting a cheque, they need to turn around and go back to...
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Scarlett Johansson’s Google Alerts totally hate Dylan Farrow

Scarlett Johansson has a new indie movie out right now that for once isn’t basically her in skin-tight leather pouting for two hours, so she’s working the ho stroll extra hard because at the core of it, Scarlett wants you to remember you saw her pouting her way through an indie movie when you first fell in love with her buoyant breasts and perfectly curved buttocks. The Guardian was chatting to ScarJo about boring ScarJo stuff when they decided to ask her how she felt about Dylan Farrow dragging her ass into the family affair known as Woody Allen allegedly molesting her. ScarJo dealt with the situation with the gentle care a Hollywood actress who dropped it like its hot on a bunch of starving children might. llen’s estranged daughter, published an open letter in which she accused him of abusing her and condemned the film industry’s silence on the matter. In it, she pointed a finger at actors who have worked with Allen, including Johansson. It must have been a very uncomfortable experience being named in the letter, I say. How did you respond to it? “I think it’s irresponsible to take a bunch of actors that will have a Google alert on and to suddenly throw their name into a situation that none of us could possibly knowingly comment on. That just feels irresponsible to me.“ That Dylan Farrow is such a selfish bitch! How dare she drag ScarJo’s poor google alerts account into this mess! How was she to know the havoc she’d wreak on ScarJo’s iPhone. Poor ScarJo probably had to stop looking at pictures of herself for hours to get through the story after story of herself on Google Alerts. Damn you, Dylan Farrow – you are the new arch nemesis of Google Alerts and ScarJo’s...
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BBC Radio’s sensitive reporting of the Oscar Pistorius case

Because if you aren’t freaking out about where the fuck that plane disappeared to, then you’re probably spending all of your time glued to the Oscar Pistorius trial.  Since the world needs to know changes on a secondly basis of the trial including how many breaths Oscar took per minute to indicate how guilty he is, BBC Radio is at the forefront of reporting on this riveting trial. BBC’s sensitive and careful reporting of the matter at hand has gained international attention after this surely Pulitzer winning piece, as demonstrated in this clip. I really felt like I was there in the room.  BBC said of the incident “There was a technical mistake where sound effects being prepared in another studio for an unrelated item were accidentally broadcast over the news bulletin. We apologised for the error immediately afterwards” Which roughly translates to “Our intern has now been sold to ITV”    
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Princess Buttercup of the Forest is really one of us.

Princess Buttercup of the Forest aka Taylor Swift has long been known for her extremely questionable taste in male genital touching partners because when your head is literally filled with Princess Sofia songs and Twilight books then you don’t really have much of a radar from when a peen is just looking for a poon to be its glove. So anyway, in between Taylor looking at every dark haired penis who tells her she’s really pretty as her knight in shining armour – she managed to find time to surprise us all. Taylor and he new BFF Selena Gomez are apparently no longer friends because she knows that Justin Bieber is a pimple on humanity’s arse crack that no matter how hard we try to burn off with salicylic acid we can’t purge.
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Scarlett Johansson’s Captain America Poster

Scarlett Johansson in the new poster for the Captain America sequel proving that yes, Mariah Carey’s airbrush artists are occasionally allowed out of the sweatshop to undertake freelance projects, and that the only thing to distract people from the controversy of money grabbing is the controversy of unrealistic self-image propagation through photo manipulation
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