So Jessie J isn’t doing very well for herself since she slithered off of the chair from The Voice. So what is a girl to do when record sales are down and interest in you is at an all-time low? Why denounce your entire USP as an edgy pop star of course! Jessie told The Mirror (?!) that she actually only went through a phase of loving minge and now wants you guys to stop reminding her that she totally told us all she loves the lemon. She said “For me, it was a phase, but I’m not saying bisexuality is a phase for everybody…I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares?…..I did talk about it, and I was open about it, and I do support being lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender – love who you want. That’s what I’m doing. I don’t regret anything I ever said, but I never knew back then that whatever I said became a fact that I couldn’t change….I’m just so bored of it, and that’s kind of it – I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband. “It’s a true struggle. All the chick flicks that didn’t make sense to me, I now understand – Sex and the City is real!” Like I’m no expert on this field, but my Lesbian Radar is reading “IKEA SHOPPING PARTNER” when i see Jessie J, which can mean only one thing. Jessie J is definitely (probably) a lesbian. As Jessie gently shuffles her latern-faced ass back into the closet screaming about how she LOVVEEEEES watching Sex and the City (For Miranda obvs) we are...
Demi Lovato’s nude pictures are here at last! And by “Here at last” I of course mean “I had no fucking idea anyone was ever shopping around nude pictures of Demi Lovato…did you?” One might wonder how nude and slutty intimate nudey pictures of Demi Lovato might have hit the internet, and to you I say two words. Wilmer Valderrama. Again, wtf. Does Wilmer Valderrama just bang any famous human under the age of 22 now? Is that a right of passage coming into Hollywood – catching herp from Wilmer Valderrama? The pictures show Demi gnawing on Wilmer’s lip like its a Simon Cowell fame/cash teet. They show Demi bent over looking all sexy like. They show Demi in bed giving fifty shads of Marilyn and most of all they show Demi Tittay! Like I know Demi Lovato has had some problems, but shit, Wilmver Valderrama is a problem reserved for the Lohan’s and Hiltons of the world. I didn’t know it had come to this Demi!
James Franco has admitted on Live with Michael and Kelly that he did, in-fact, hit on a girl who was only just of a legal age in most US states on Instagram. He said on the show “Uh, you know I’m embarrassed and I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky…It’s a way people meet each other today. But what I’ve learned, I guess just ’cause I’m new to it, is like, you don’t know who’s on the other end — you meet somebody in person and you get a feel for ’em but you don’t know who you’re talking to. So I used bad judgement and I learned my lesson. Unfortunately, in my position — I mean, I have a very good life — but not only do I have to go through the embarrassing kind of rituals of meeting someone, sometimes if I do that, then it gets, you know, published for the world, so now it’s like, doubly embarrassing,” What James totally failed to admit is that when he hit on Lucy and she said she was “almost 18” he didn’t stop for a second and ask her jailbait ass if she was you know, significantly younger than 18 before he just wanted them to get a room together. I have to take a moment to admire Lucy, because publishing to the world that you essentially are a stone cold hearted bitch who’d drop her boyfriend in a quick second to nookie with James Franco takes some fame hungriness – and I kind of feel bad for her boyfriend who actually took the whole thing as a compliment. James Franco, hide yo kids, hide you wife.
Since Jennifer Lawrence has the whole new Sandra Bullock thing down, and since Emma Stone has the whole new Julia Roberts thing down, I guess Kayley Cuoco is totally comfortable filling the role of the new Jennifer Aniston – and by that I mean America’s crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who’s doing fine but is still over-sharing some weird stuff anyway. In a new interview with COSMO, Kayley revealed (is there anything left to reveal?) that she had a tit job at 18 years old, and thinks it was a really good choice you guys. She forgot to mention that she also had a nose job, but did add that dating Henry Cavill for 10 days has plagued her ass with the paps, WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT THEY PLANNED TO HAVE HAPPEN, YOU KNOW!! I’m really glad Kayley feels comfortable sharing every detail of her life with us. I know more about Kayley Cuoco than I know about most of my relatives. I can probably tell you where she keeps her tampons and what brand she has to compliment her cervix shape. Just in-case you didn’t know this, Kayley Cuoco moved in her husband, whom she married after six months, oh, you know, the DAY AFTER THEY MET. She later got married in a big pink wedding dress and did a make-up tutorial from her wedding day. As you do.
Because the world is a cruel and intolerable place, Rita Sullivan from Corrie (aka Barbara Knox) was arrested in Chesire last night. Turns out Rita’s life is more SHOCKING and SCANDALOUS than we all thought…(not really) Rita was knicked for being a big old lush and endangering the lives of anyone on the road because she went to bail our her 56 year old daughter for the same damn thing! Rita turned up to the station to bail out Maxine who was earlier arrested when the police felt like she may have taken a few too many Gin smints on the way to the station and booked her on suspicion of being wasted at the wheel. Poor Rita, just another innocent victim of the cruel fame machine! I mean, give the woman a break, it’s bad enough she’s constantly HOUNDED by the paps without this latest drama which will be smeared across six to ten page spreads across all the tabloids tomorrow with every SHOCKING detail.
So because celebrity relationships are SERIOUS BUSINESS, we are still talking about the split so shocking that we should have cut to an audience shot of some guy in a suit picking his nose and eating as he drifted off. Yes, its Gwyneth and Chris Splitsgate Episode 2 and we are talking about some serious-she-probably-didnt-even-go-to-the-farmers-market-today shit, because according to the Nancy Drew asses at ONTD and Lainey Gossip– both of their asses were cheating in their fucked up open relationship, and Chris totally fell in love with Alexa Chung. According to ONTD, those bitches basically made Glastonbury 2013 their Paris, and walked around the shitty muddy fields together posing for pictures and probs laughing at Goop together. In a terrifying twist, apparently Goopy accepted that Alexa was “younger and skinnier” than her. Uhm. Just to clarify, Goopy eats a quarter salad leaf once a decade and is essentially the closest thing you can get to having a bag of bones as an animated human person, so when I read this I googled “Alexa Chung Skinny” and shit dude, Alexa Chung looks like a bag of twiglets fighting together for dominance . Alexa, (just so you know) is a former MTV presenter and now redundant fashion person. Despite her extreme lack of burgers, she is a pretty face, but pretty much epitomizes all that is wrong with a British tv culture which rewards only posh home counties sets with careers. Alexa basically will be seen seated next to the likes of Carla De Laviwhatever and other hipster indie skanks at the second row of important fashion shows for the foreseeable future, because shes too hot to do anything else really, but too skinny to do anything that requires any actual energy. So there’s that. Alexa Chung and Chris Martin totally make sense to...
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.