Tag Archives: Scandal

Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita thinks Nuhdeen Coyle is full of shit.

Incase you haven’t heard, Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita has recently set a new record as the British female with the most British #1 singles. In a terrifying harbinger signaling the assured end of our species, Cheryl has managed to accumulate 5 solo number ones in her career. This is especially concerning given her music must be produced by a drunk, irritated 8 year old with a particularly harmful and destructive personality. I mean Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita has the worst fucking songs, and yet the British public will buy them because -just incase you forget to – here she is every weekend for eighteen million hours on ITV. Naturally, since she has music to pimp out to very young girls and very unfortunate gays, Cheryl has been talking up her new album and single to any piece of paper that will listen, but as talking about Ashley Cole to sell shit is getting old hat,  girlfriend decided to bring the spicy hate to an interview. Attitude magazine decided to ask Cheryl how she felt about that one time that gangly Irish streak of blah Nadine Coyle said that NUDHEEN was the ONLY  ho who didn’t want Girls Aloud to split. Upon being asked, Cheryl turned to the half- pea she was eating, gently placed it back on it’s plate, and proceeded to rip Nuhdeen a new hole so vigorously that Nicola Roberts ended up mistaking it for a vintage hipster wardrobe and climbed inside. “She’s full of shit. What d’you want us to say? She’s full of shit. She was the one who wanted to make a solo record. Which is why we took the hiatus…She wants to come out and say we broke the band up? No! She shouldn’t tell porkie pies. She should remember why we took the hiatus after seven years so she could go and… Okay, so do you want us to tell...
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Amanda Bynes’ parents are outie.

So when you have a troubled daughter like Amanda Bynes things can get sort of difficult. Especially when your daughter is taking to twitter and accusing you of using her for money and, you know, categoric childhood sexual abuse – then saying that a microchip in her brain made her lie about that stuff. The point is, Amanda Bynes’ picture is right next to the word “Troubled” in the dictionary right now and her parents, Rick and Lynn, have had enough. TMZ says they are handing over conservatorship of Amanda’s day to day to a mental healthcare professional and her money stuffs to a financial manager.  They’ve had it with all of the drama around their daughter and they are literally selling up and moving to Texas to be near their other daughter. Presumably this is because Rick and Lynn Bynes are pretty old and are fucking DEFINITELY too old to be dealing with daily accusations of abuse from their mentally ill daughter. In icky situations like this it’s easy to accuse those hos of abandoning Amanda during her hour of need, but the truth is when you’re dealing with someone as far gone as she is, sometimes anything you do, even your presence, can make shit a lot worse. It’s amazing to me that Amanda Bynes is somehow not in a mental health unit somewhere right now. How that has come to pass is a failure of the law and public health service. Girl is definitively a danger to herself and others and shit needs to get sorted out. Of course since Amanda Bynes is on a worrying downward spiral, former castmates have come out to talk about how they saw it coming. Former castmate from “All That” Chelsea Brummet told super reliable and totally trustworthy media source RadarOnline that Amanda was...
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Monica Lewinsky gave a big ass speech about everything.

Monica Lewinksy hasn’t been seen for a while because Monica Lewinksy turns out to have FAILED at the class of gold-digging, fame-whooring and shameless Olivia Pope game. Also, that whole confidentiality order thing. Monica decided to break her media silence at the Forbes Under 30 Summit and even though she read her speech like she was narrating an episode of Desperate Housewives, girl had some good shit to say – namely about how people at the worst and the internet ruins everything. Monica basically name called LA Deli and asked me how I can sleep at night. The answer is a lot of wine, Monica. Monica also highlighted that America is a crazy fuckin place and her whole family were basically turned against each other and threatened with jail for life just because she blew the president. It turns out Monica Lewinsky is a surprisingly classy act. Girl has some backbone and I high five her for blowing the president and overcoming Clinton dickmitzation
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Oscar Pistorius jailed for five years.

South African athlete and gun owner Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for the “culpable homicide” of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp today. In addition, the judge Thokozile Masipa also handed Pistorius three years suspended sentence for a firearms charge. In all due to over-crowding and various other legal bollocks, Oscar will probably only serve around 10 months in prison according to his defence lawyers. Apparently this is all part of a careful, diplomatic case in the eyes of the international media where South Africa’s massive prison over-crowding was expected to result in potentially no sentence for Pistorius in a country with an exceptionally high rate of violent crime. In the end the judge decided that it was important to balance between retribution, deterrence and rehabilitation. She also side-eyed Oscar’s defence team for putting such an emphasis on his disability saying that the whole “BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE NO LEGS YOUR HONOUR!!!!!” line gave her a “feeling of unease”. The judge added: “It would be a sad day for this country if an impression were to be created that there was one law for the poor and disadvantaged, and another for the rich and famous.” The Paralympic committee also said he wouldn’t be allowed to compete for five years even if had an early release. I dont know what I’m supposed to think here, but I get the feeling if i shot my date through a door because I got all confused and panicky like, I’d probably be looking at a little more than ten fucking months in prison. Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend and she died, even if he’s super sorry, even if he shot her in a moment of rage rather than a moment of panic, he shot the girl dead! Who the fuck does that?! The fact remains that Oscar Pistorius...
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Mario Lopez banged Britney Spears

Because Mario Lopez’ publicists have a book to sell, he’s been out doing what every other kind, respectful gentleman who has ever been with Britney Spears does…selling her the fuck out! After Mario used his son on the last episode of Ellen as a talking point, he was quick to get on to the next publicist approved highlight from his new memoirs in which he said he had a one night stand with a “super famous” pop star in Vegas and then acted all coy and shit when Ellen did what any human with a brain would and allege that it’s The Queen of the Fraps. Well USWeekly did us a favour, put on their Nancy Drew hats and found out that the blindingly obvious truth is indeed blindingly obvious. The magazine confirms that yup, Brit Brit was in bulldozer vagina mode after she split up with K-Fed, and yup, that weird sexual tension that happens every time Lopez interviews her is because they actually did have real life sex. I know, how will your life ever be the same in this knowledge? I mean this was around the time Britney Spears was losing her fucking mind so I’m not sure Mario Lopez should feel like hot shit for that. Britney Spears would have boned a fucking pony if it neighed at her the right way during that time. Britney Spears basically is in a long term relationship with frappes and Mario should not  have been foolish enough to come between Brit Brit and her gorgeous caffeine prince. If Britney was meant for any human it would be Zac Morris anyway, so bye bitch.  
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Dr Luke countersues Ke$ha and says she’s lying.

Where’s a Jennifer Lawrence nude when you need one? Sigh. Dr Luke has gone public hours after Ke$ha hit the “nuke” button on his career with accusations of sexual, physical and mental assault. In a shocking move to absolutely no-one, Dr.Luke denies that he’s a sleazy, controlling scumbag. Dr Luke’s lawyer friend who isn’t Amal Clooney (the fact that other lawyers even exist on earth right now might be a challenge to believe, so lets hold hands and get through this together) said that Ke$ha is being a real Ke$hit, and that she and her mother have both admitted that they are lying and extorting Dr.Luke in  “a campaign of publishing outrageous and untrue statements”. Except Dr Luke’s lawyer team did not say if they had proof they they’d admitted to making it all up. They also claimed that Ke$ha’s hot trailer park mom Pebe has been engineering a boatload of libelous lies with her new management firm in order to extort Dr.Luke to free her from her contract with him. He told TMZ that Ke$ha said she’d tell lies about him to a blogger who created a “Free Ke$ha” campaign unless he let her go, and has a copy of her original lawsuit she said she’d file against him unless he let her go. You know, going public to say that your artist was trying to extort you in order to get the fuck away from you probably isn’t the most convincing argument for a counter-suit. Anyway, Ke$ha’s lawyers were clearly refreshing their gmail inbox for a TMZ email because those ho’s immediately launched their counter-response. They said “This is just another pathetic and entirely predictable example of Dr. Luke’s continued abuse, and a misguided attempt to keep Kesha under his tyrannical control. This lawsuit has absolutely no basis in fact, the law or reality. Kesha is...
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