Because celebrities have publicists who work day and night to make them seem ultimately like holy beings, if you hear that a celebrity branded “A bit of a schlaggggg really” then you have to really ask yourself how many people they are banging to get that reputation. With that said and on a totally unrelated note, Rita Ora and Gerard Butler are reportedly bumping uglies according to UsWeekly. Rita is best known for being the reason that Rob Kardashian tripled in size because she allegedly banged a bunch of guys without a condom behind his back. Rita is also a singer. Gerard is best known for trying to finger Jennifer Aniston in the ass that one time. Gerard is also an actor. To say that both Rita Ora and Gerard Butler would fuck anything that walks is absolutely slanderous and not at all in line with the editorial standards (HA!) of this website, as well as being patently untrue. It makes 10000000% perfect sense that these two absolutely virginal saints would come together and be so overcome by first-time lust for one another that they threw off their chastity belts, apologized to God for their unholy sin and spent the evening violating themselves by watching Countdown in their hotel room together from opposite sides of the room. Rita Ora is effectively the modern day Virgin Mary and Gerard Butler is her Joseph, and they probably spent time talking about religion together before having a cup of hot chocolate and lying down for a nice nap. The implications that UsWeekly are making are dark-sided and ungodly.
In the most unexpected, world-altering news you will read all week, the upcoming feature film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Why Is My Mother Reading This!?” is a fucking damn mess and studio execs decided to drop the “R” word on the film – not ricin to kill that shit off sadly, but reshoots. According to US Weekly, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of Renee Zellwegger’s New Face and The People on Twitter Talking About Renee Zellweger’s New Face All the Time, because producers of the movie are not happy and want them to reshoot a number of scenes, specifically ones where they have to get all sexy like. The ‘source’ went on to say that Dakota Johnson is turning the sensual on about as much as me after five gin martinis, and that is to say “trying, but not hard enough”. They allege she is about as sexy as, and I quote, a “dishrag”. Sweet. In hilarious damage control of the story, Universal said the following about the movie. ‘No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.’ Well of course Universals’ lead actors are all unquestionably hot and intense, so if you think that they are lukewarm you are WRONG and you should NOT question this. Those pricks at FOX, though? Yuck. The only thing you really need to know about this movie is that Rita Ora is also in it, and that is as they say, that.
The backwards version of Madonna’s accent that is Rita Ora and the backwards version of a decent human-being that is Kim Kardashian have had a long and boring history of hating each others asses. Seriously, these irrelevant trolls have had way too much action from my typing fingers the past few weeks. I honestly couldn’t give a donkeys tit about them, but something tells me I’m alone in that. Anyway shit hasn’t been so hot between Kim and Rita since that one time that Rita sort of cheated on Kim’s brother with every dick in showbiz. Kim isn’t happy that Rita not only cheated on her brother (Allllegdly), but, in reality, also made Kim’s slut game look laxxxxxx. Things came to a head last week when Rita was meant to sit next to Kim at the MTV VMA’s. When Kim arrived, she told producers that it was nice and only natural of them to think of her when setting up publicity stunts, but that she’d really rather be sitting with the other talentless fame-seeking whores at the back than with the talented fame-seeking whore that is Rita Ora. So MTV obliged and put Kim with her sisters. Now TMZ reports that Rita and Kim miraculously ended up on the same flight out of LA. IMAGINE THAT. The article goes on to suggest that both ladies would likely have been seated in first class…together. Well first and foremost I think it’s ambitious to say that Rita Ora is anywhere above business class at this stage. She’s not even top 20 right now?! I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to finally be allowed into first class to see Kim Kardashian’s disgusting ass sitting there whilst she whined in that baby prostitute voice that the champagne was too Italian. Secondly, I...
Because the VMA’s are STUNT BITCHES, they took a quick look at their seating chart at the VMAS and decided that it was missing controversy and ratings. As such, they decided to sit Rob Kardashian’s ex, walking std Rita Ora literally four seats away from the bag of rotting cottage cheese known as Kim Kardashian. Given that Kim blame’s Rita for rob spiralling into the fat zone, expect plenty of Kim looking off in the other direction and a lot of Rita being suffocated by Kim’s devious ass. I’m sure this will change in a few days when MTV add Calvin Harris and Any Basketball team in between those tricks for even more SCANDAL and DRAMA, because nothing is worse than having to sit for two hours next to someone you’ve boned. Somewhere the CDC is throwing themselves off a bridge, because by putting Rita and Kim so close together there’s almost certainly a serious hazmat situation going to occur and not nearly enough bleach to burn that shit away.
The most important breakup in SUPER SUPER A-LIST celebrity history known as Rita Whora and Calvin Harris has added another super dramatic chapter to it’s books today. Rita was at the launching of a new DKNY fragrance (read: turning up at the drop of a hat) and was being interviewed by the Associated Press when things took a turn for the “NOT HERE FOR THIS.” The interviewer was casually asking Rita such hardball questions as “What do you love about performing?” before he threw her a line with the nice soft question of “WHY DOES CALVIN HARRIS HATE YOUR WHORA ASS?” . Rita handled that like a pro, and by a pro I mean like Mariah Carey or Naomi Campbell when her publicist jumped in and said “NOT HERE FOR THIS” as she sashayed off into the crowd to find someone else to interview her. I am not an expert on relationships, but I get the feeling this means Rita Ora and Calvin Harris wont be reconciling? How will i go on without posters of this power-couple of music to slap all over my walls and/or use to pack things when moving house?
The Lidl version of Rihanna (who in herself is at best an ASDA version of Beyonce) known as Rita Ora has recently been mouthing off about how upset she was that her ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris stopped her from performing the song he wrote and produced for her. Rita was due to perform “I Will Never Let you Down” at the esteemed event for all huge iconic music moments known as the Teen Choice Awards this year, but instead she sung “I Will Definitely Actually Be Letting You Down” to herself in her seat and didn’t perform shit as she watched Ariana Grande’s bobblehead jiggle around the stage. According to Rita, Calvin said “No thanks” to the producers when they asked for his approval to have the song performed. “I was supposed to perform, and for anyone that doesn’t understand how it works, he wrote and produced the song — I mean, he’s an incredible songwriter, never going to disregard his talents, he’s incredible,” Rita said. “So [Harris] has to approve anything TV-wise, for anybody that doesn’t get it…so he has to approve the rights to [use the song] and he didn’t approve the Teen Choice Awards.” Of course, when asked if she was upset Rita admitted that she was upset not for her billboard positions, but rather for her ‘fans’. “Yeah, I’m not gong to lie, but not for my own selfish reasons, but for my fans…Because the show was going to be awesome…[but] everything happens for a reason, that’s how I look at it.” Calvin didn’t heed the warnings of Rob Kardashian (!) who told everyone that Rita Ora has a vagina that accepts all potential platinum records as payment for bare-peen entry, and so decided to hit it with Rita for a while. I guess Calvin is kind of one of those “If everyone else is doing it” sort of...
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