Rihanna has been pretty busy lately. In between pissing off the world media and letting down her fans it’s a miracle she’s had time to do anything else. But Rihanna knows she owes some boring and offensive controversy to the world, and at least we can give her a high five for her A-Game in creating drama. Despite her relationship with Chris Brown being “NOBODIES BIDNESS” according to their dumb, poorly conceived song,here she is making it OUR BUSINESS YET AGAIN by tweeting this picture of him shirtless on her bed. Yeah i can see how this is really nobodies business! Rihanna is the kind of person who says “OH YO KNO I JUST WAHNT SOME PREEVACY TO LIV MAH LYFE” and then takes a dump on the street in-front of TMZ’s headquarters. If Chris Brown was some super hot sexual shaman with magical eyes and muscles for miles i’d totally be more forgiving of Rihanna shoving this horrific and degrading reunion back in our faces, but can I just say… I’m not saying Chris Brown is a drug addict, but what i will do is ask you to look at this picture again.
When Rihanna and her people sat down and devised the 777 world promotional tour for her new album I can imagine they thought it sounded like a really, really good idea. Record Exec: “Hey guys, let’s shove a bunch of journalists in a luxury airliner to travel WITH RIHANNA and PARTY ALL AROUND THE WORLD as she plays shows in some HOT VENUES in SEVEN COUNTRIES over 7 DAYS!” Record Exec 2: “Sounds amazing! Absolutely! Onboard! Rihanna is so cool and edgy right now!” Seat with Rihanna’s name on it without Rihanna there: “…..” And therein lies the first and most glaringly obvious issue with the whole concept of Rihanna’s promotional tour. In order to woo journalists and media, she’d actually have to, you know, be there. Unfortunately Rihanna’s media tour-de-force has turned into the perfect storm of hilarious musicwriting nightmare for literally everyone onboard her 777 Tour as it nears its end with tweets tagged #rihannaplane highlighting the desperate measures that the tour has come to, which essentially boils down to everyone ending up hating Rihanna and wondering how the fuck they can depart her tour ASAP. Rihanna’s public image is taking a hammering from the journos who are now going for the jugular and highlighting Rihanna’s lazy, bored, distant and potentially drugged out performances, terrible timekeeping and complete absence from actually being on the plane. Specifically pissing the journalists off is Rihanna’s inability to perform onstage anywhere near ontime effectively meaning they sit on buses on the tarmac of airports for hours without water, a toilet or any access to their work tools and end up having next to no sleep at all. Also, probably an error: Inviting journalists to a worldwide seven day tour in which they have to watch the same motherfucking show over and over...
It’s almost the end of 2012 (not really) but it IS the time where people totally ignore the fact we have two calendar months left before both A. Artists stop selling albums that qualify as being part of the year and B. The world ends because its the Kardashians will finally reveal their devious endgame as the rapture opens. So it’s clearly time for us to hastenly crown the most influential pop artists of 2012 according to absolutely nobody except me! This list has been waited for by absolutely nobody with baited breath for many seconds. So I won’t keep you any longer. Let’s begin the countdown after the jump…… 10. Nicki Minaj Well this big tittied troll should be no surprise to anyone really as she’s been on every single record in 2012 released. Nicki did what any good popstar needs to do to sell records, she got her newly fake tits out at every single possible occasion and also completely sold out. Starships is not just complete pop, it’s complete pop eurotrash club nonsense, and it’s kind of fun anyway. For chart domination worldwide and branding herself as a dysfunctional human Barbie with an acid tongue we have to give Nicki some props. 9. Adam Levine Adam Levine may be annoying a dumb douche. But we’d all still hit it repeatedly from every direction. As the helmer of Maroon 5, Adam smartly embraced his obvious ego by joining a talent show as a judge, and in the process has managed to keep his music top-of-mind with the record buying public. Get this, Maroon 5 have been in the mainstream scene for 10 years now. TEN YEARS. How fucking old does that make you feel? Their brand of U2-Lite pop-rock that sells to largely teenage audiences has continued to stay relevant long past...
In a break from Regular Programming, known as Lindsay Lohan being charged for a crime she will never do time for, we bring you this article which is mainly comprised of sheer fuckery but also heavily features in the areas of eye-rolling, shaking your head and remembering 2002 as “better days”. Rihanna has announced that she will be once-again dueting with the biggest deuce in the universe… Chris Brown! And wait for it, before you go for the real fucking eye roll, lets throw in a gag reflex sound, as she’s decided the song will be called “Nobodies Business” THIS TROLL! Not only is every fart Rihanna takes, every face Chris breaks EVERYONE’S business, but we cannot escape these pieces of shit! I have tried! Do you know how hard it is to enter a pub / shopping centre without hearing any number of Rihanna’s fifteen million singles on loop? Rihanna is like a hen sitting constantly warming a new CD between in vulva until its ready to flop out into the arms of thousands and thousands of gays and 14 year old hookers across the land, which happens every 13 seconds. As for Fisty McGee, well when he’s not getting enough attention on twitter he throws chairs through TV studio windows. I’m sure Rihanna would have a lot to say about this article in her Vulcan accent or whatever the hell it is she’s from “Yoo Noh, I just feeel l-ike, it’s kinda like nohbodees business, yoo Noh? Like let us hahndle our bidness ahlone.” Fucking Rihanna.
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