Lara Croft, the seminal star of the Tomb Raider game series, has fuelled surgery rumours after she went from what one fashion critic called “a series of triangles stuck together” to a 21 year old. Beauty industry insiders believe Lara’s transformation could be down to either restalyne or a bunch of guys masturbating a lot infront of their computers. Lara’s last look was “big tittied 30 something goth” with weird glowing eyes and so her new look, in which she appears to be emerging from puberty, comes with more than a few raised eyebrows. “I think she’s definitely had some cheek implants removed” said a cosmetic surgery guru.”With brow reshaping, a significant breast reduction, laser resurfacing, dermal filler removal, multiple surgeries on her nose to remove its angular nature, hair extensions, and chin implants removed with plenty of botox. She’s had serious smoothing done because as you can see above, everything about her was very Hilary Swank before, but now she looks more Jennifer Lawrence. Her old look had her aged by at least a decade due to the extensive surgery she had done. What she’s done here is reverse a lot of those procedures and seam up the sides with botox.” Lara’s spokesperson released a statement in which he denied that his client has ever dabbled in surgery, a denial Lara has repeated in GAME and PLAY magazines on numerous occasions throughout her career as a submissive symbol to male fantasy. Most recently, in 2007 she said “The talk of any surgery is obviously ridiculous, because im not fucking real.”
Heidi Montag has always been a delicate wallflower growing out of the cracked pavements of LA. A real country girl at heart, all she craves is privacy and the simple pleasures of the great outdoors. So who can blame her for wanting to be near water that reminds her of the soothing brooks of her hometown? Well the evil paparazzi who were called away from camping outside of Lindsay Lohan’s house by Heidi who offered them $30 by the siren call of sheer natural beauty to the beaches just cannot seem to leave Heidi alone. It’s not Heidi’s fault that she is trying to get her vitamin d fix in a public space. Heidi, like the rest of us, is facing difficult financial times, so private islands are not an option! The paparazzi should be ashamed of themselves for invading the much-prized privacy of this intriguing and incredibly shy public figure. Heidi said “My priorities are my family, my husband, my love life and my happiness and everything after that is great….My priorities are not money, fame and fashion.” Now some of you might point to Heidi’s smash hit single “Fashion” and ask Heidi why she’d sing a song about fashion if she didn’t care about it, or perhaps point to her multiple songs about being famous and ask “why, heidi, why?” but it’s clear to me that Heidi’s mind is transcendent of personal experience, and absorbs the hurt and feelings of those all over the world. Truly relatable lyrics written for a generation. Now can everyone just get off the beach and leave Heidi ALONE. Behind every smile is the angst of a woman just desperate for her privacy in a media world obsessed with her every move.
Britney Spears was once known for shaking her ham-chops for a cheque. Then she was known for walking gently around a stage snapping her fingers for a cheque, but as Britney will tell you she’s just a simple girl, and what’s more simple than sitting your ass down for four hours for a cheque? Enter a $15 Million cheque for X-Factor and all Britney has to do is sit down, but even that shit is proving a problem. Basically, it doesn’t even matter if Britney says anything in the entire run of the X-Factor. Much like her Femme Fatale tour, she turns up, everyone screams with excitement of how she is definitely not dead (allegedly) and more importantly about how good she looks. I went to see that trainwreck tour and two girls infront of me were harassing security to ask if Brit’s hair extensions looked nice or if they were straight up dog shit and wool. Those Masters in the Art of Fuckery proceeded to tell the girls nothing other than that the gig was a fucking disaster. Slow hand clap for security ruining those girls night, totally the Kate Winslet’s of stage security. Give them a show called Bitchy Bodyguards. So back to the story at hand. If Britney can turn up looking like a functional human being and reading off of something other than a prescripted autocue, then we can throw a little party every day. Since Britney hasn’t actually spoken for herself in a good five years now, it’s kind of a miracle that she’s on this show AND she’s been looking great. Anyone who’s followed any kind of paparazzi magazine or website in the last six years knows that “Britney Spears” and “Looking Great” are about as likely to appear next to each other as “Christina Aguilera” and...
As well as having some kind of brilliant fake tan revelation, some miracle dermatoligst and a great dentist, Tom Felton also appears to have visited a clinic to sort out that receding hair situation he had going on. Good for you Tom.
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