In “Shit, im late to the party” news, Britney Spears covered Women’s Health magazine and looked like a rough and ready version of Heidi Klum. The world’s monocle dropped and everyone was like “HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?”. Well as we already reported Britney had some work done to her face last year (Read: secondary nose job, lip and face fillers, botox) and it’s radically altered the appearance of her nose. As you can see in the below video, Brit is looking legitimately hot and in shape, the abs are real, as is her facial appearance, but there’s no doubt shes had help from lighting and makeup contouring. I guess “Surprised Madagascar Lemur” is what they were going for in this shoot. We should just stop acting so surprised that Britney Spears no longer looks 16, and appreciate that girl is looking alive, awake, happy and in the best shape i’ve ever seen her in. Credit where its due as well, she’s absolutely dominating in the game of “Young pop star grows into older pop star without having complete career collapse” so cut the girl some slack.
So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows. Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear. Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”. What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing either. And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.
Tulisa Constantinopleoisises, also known as the only X-Factor UK judge to be more rubbish somehow than Nicole Scherzinger, was released from court today with all charges dropped after the judge decided that the witnesses were lying. Tulisa was on trial after a newspaper reporter pretended to be a big Arab sheikh who promised her a $12 million starring film role in a Leo DiCaprio movie if she could sort him out with some charlie. One would generally wonder how a C-list singer from the United Kingdom failed to really consider the likelihood of being offered a Julia Roberts size salary to star in an A-List picture, but alas. Tulisa bought that shit up and so she charged the reporter for a baggy of coke. Mazher Mahmood, the reporter for The Sun was deemed to be giving “inconsistent evidence” and apparently the Judge suspected he had coerced his driver to give two different statements. When this proved to be so he had no option but to throw the case out. The real story here is not that Tulisa isn’t going to jail for dealing drugs, it’s that Tulisa’s stunning new Jodie Marsh face will live in the public eye for another day. Tulisa used to look like a regular human person, but since Kim Kardashian came on the scene every female celebrity is now endeavouring to look as much like a blow up sex doll in human form as is physically possible – so as with most societal problems we can probably just blame the Kardashians again. And as for her gently morphing into Jodie Marsh? Well which girl didn’t grow up wanting to look like Jodie Marsh?
Korea is a pretty great place that has given the world a lot of cool shit. Amongst that cool shit is a bunch of cultural iconography that white female pop singers can misappropriate. Lots of people around the world eat up Korean culture in the same way that Lindsay Lohan eats up every career opportunity she has and shits it back out again. One such eater is a white Brazilian dude who used to be called Max but is now called Xiahn Nishi. Why the name change, you ask? Well that’s because Max woke up one morning and decided the next logical step on his day to day was not to take up golf, but it was to instead have 10 plastic surgeries so he could look Korean. As you can see the surgery was a smash hit, if of course his original goal was to look like a terrifying acid attack victim from a Final Fantasy game. Apparently he shopped around for surgeons to do the procedure after all of the sane plastic surgeons said “BITCH NO!” but I guess he eventually found a person in a Favela who’s tin-roof surgery doubled as an abortion clinic, because Max aborted his caucasian self and replaced it with his SCARY ASS ALIEN SELF. Of course Max went into the clinic and told them he wanted to look Asian in the most racially sensitive possible way. ‘I put my fingers inside the eye and pulled. That was the way I wanted to have my eyes,’ he told Brazilian newspaper Zero Hora. This bitch also alleges that he has had no surgery other than the 10 eye surgeries and the hyaluronic acid that he had injected into his eyes, but I guess his eyes arent working so great since all of the acid...
Because having your face look like a slab of ice-cream that has been left in a freezer for too long is totally hot right now, here is a bunch of clips from Jezebel of Real Housewives leaking from their eyes, which in some cultures where additional facial expressions accompany such physiological reactions is known as crying.
Since Jennifer Lawrence has the whole new Sandra Bullock thing down, and since Emma Stone has the whole new Julia Roberts thing down, I guess Kayley Cuoco is totally comfortable filling the role of the new Jennifer Aniston – and by that I mean America’s crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who’s doing fine but is still over-sharing some weird stuff anyway. In a new interview with COSMO, Kayley revealed (is there anything left to reveal?) that she had a tit job at 18 years old, and thinks it was a really good choice you guys. She forgot to mention that she also had a nose job, but did add that dating Henry Cavill for 10 days has plagued her ass with the paps, WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT THEY PLANNED TO HAVE HAPPEN, YOU KNOW!! I’m really glad Kayley feels comfortable sharing every detail of her life with us. I know more about Kayley Cuoco than I know about most of my relatives. I can probably tell you where she keeps her tampons and what brand she has to compliment her cervix shape. Just in-case you didn’t know this, Kayley Cuoco moved in her husband, whom she married after six months, oh, you know, the DAY AFTER THEY MET. She later got married in a big pink wedding dress and did a make-up tutorial from her wedding day. As you do.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.