Tag Archives: Nicki Minaj

So Nicki Minaj opened the EMAS dressed as a scrunchee.

Remember when girls used to walk around with what looked like scrunched up toilet paper in their hair and thought it was totally awesome and used to even draw attention to the fact that they were wearing toilet paper in their fucking hair by buying bright neon versions of it? Well because we as a society are fucking awful and reward all that is wrong with the world with more fame and notoriety, Nicki Minaj brought the scrunchee realness when she opened the EMA 2014s in Glasgow last night. Nicki went on to have eight fucking costume changes because OF COURSE SHE DID, but none really topped the elegant look of a dress that might finally be able to cover Nicki Minaj’s giant phat ass up. Of course, the last time the EMAs were in Scotland, marginally more legitimate skank Christina Aguilera opened that shit up and did so by stating that she was called a “radge wee midden” in the streets of Edinburgh by a taxi driver and she took that as a compliment as opposed to what it actually means. (Spoiler alert: “Crazy, dirty little skank”) Nicki later gave us another flashback by dressing like an optical illusion book from the early 90s.  Nicki Minaj’s life mission is now all becoming so clear to me. She wants to confuse our fucking eyes with everything about herself. I sort of wish Necki Menaij had hosted it instead.   Anywhore, Necki wasn’t the only duckbilled playtpus with her titties out last night. Awful human being, fan hating demon and nightmare diva Ariana Grande was also there, to again prove that you cant be a total bitch to people your whole entire life, but as long as you can sing and look good from a specific angle (and jesus, dont we all know she...
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Nicki Minaj has a video for Anaconda she’d like you to jizz over.

Nicki Minaj took a break from letting Iggy Azalea snatch her career away to release a new music video for Anaconda and that shit is a predictable mess of jungle references, twerking, wall-to-wall arse and Nicki Minaj giving Drake a lapdance. The Anaconda video is what would Katy Perry’s Roar video would be if it hooked up with a stripper. That shit is an abortion of colours and stuttering, but Nicki’s face is surprisingly not looking like its been possessed by every demon in the hemisphere. Anaconda sounds like its been sung by a baby prostitute from inside a shoe, because that audio quality is super shit. I dont think Nicki is all that concerned by the audio on this mess though given she spends most of the video rubbing her naglas against her backing dancers and giving angry blowjobs to a banana. If you wanted to know how low a ho can go to sell a CD, then Nicki Minaj and Rihanna will happily duet to teach you this. The last minute of this song is literally Nicki Minaj just making noises and giggling and saying “bitch” a lot and also hating on thin people. The take away from this video i think we are all supposed to have is that Nicki Minaj has a big fat ass and would like to take calls regarding a porn career.
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Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj did a song together.

So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess. So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to.   listen to ‘Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang’ on Audioboo Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea. I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx. Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which...
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Nicki Minaj is a talented and versatile actress, so says Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj has already been stunt cast in a ten line role  been the sole reason that The Other Woman topped the box office this weekend and now she’s already setting her sights on other roles as she is the greatest new actress of the decade, who’s diversity and depth knows no bounds. Nicki told MTV News that she can totally handle the heavy demands of a walk-on film role now, so she’s going to be the new Sandra Bullock. ‘It gave me an idea as to what the world would be like being on a set and being on a trailer for hours. And now that I know it’s something I can do, I think I want to expand a role eventually’ But Nicki went on to say she wont take a role unless it’s ‘custom made for her’, so I’d assume when they give Jynx from Pokemon a movie then. Nicki went on to tell the world that she is super diverse, like Meryl Streep. and can basically do any kind of shit movie, be it a Will Ferrell movie, a black drama or basically replace Halle Berry as Storm. The thing is I have such a versatile personality. Some days I feel like I wanna do a Will Ferrell comedy; some days I feel like I wanna do more like a Set It Off-type of movie with some other young black actresses and like creating a movement with that.“And sometimes I think, maybe I could do X-Men or something.”      
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Hollywood shocked to learn women exist.

(Hollywood, CA.) Studio executives are reeling this weekend after the Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann lead comedy The Other Woman is on track to top the box-office with an opening weekend almost $10 Million higher than expected. Executives, who’s selective amnesia of the success of female lead comedies is certainly not limited to Bridesmaids, Mamma Mia!, 13 Going on 30, Sister Act,  9 to 5, Death Becomes Her, The Proposal, The Devil Wears Prada, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Two Weeks Notice,  Bad Teacher, Pitch Perfect, Juno, Mean Girls, The Heat, Frozen, and Gravity (because George Clooney as an astronaut, amirite?)  dropped their bags of cocaine this weekend in shock in realization that an entire other gender exists. Despite Hollywood’s concerted efforts to stop the production of a female lead comedy this summer, and then casting the incredibly talented thespian Nicki Minaj in order to presumably have the production sanctioned by local appropriateness laws, the film slipped through the net and went on to gross around $27 Million at the box office this weekend. ‘We really thought the mediocre marketing efforts we made along with the stunt casting of a talentless model in leading role instead of an actual actress  would have put people off, but I guess women will watch any old shit we feed em.” said one surprised exec. The film, which apparently makes men’s skin melt off, played well with women aged 18 to desperate-for-anything-that-acknowledges-their-existence, and despite piss poor reviews women attended en masse. Of course as with all successful films featuring women, the studio was sure to make the central focus about a man. ‘We were really unsure about letting a bunch of women get together and do things like act or think for themselves and knew that wouldn’t test well with the four people in the studio who make all...
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Squints is all growed up.

I have no idea what the hell happened to Taylor Swift’s guitar, but she dropped it in a lake somewhere this weekend to try her very best at being Britney Spears for this years AMAs. I have to say, i did not hate it. Taylor’s performance felt like a Backstreet Boys music video from the late 90s and I think at this stage everyone was just glad it wasn’t Nicki Minaj live again or another performance of Rihanna strutting up and down a stage. She even got down on the ground and did things on the floor that made you feel dirty because in everyone’s minds shes still like 16. Whatever the Hell a Nicki Minaj Is and Justin Bieber served us up some shaky-ass-vocals and some Chris Hansen flavors of wrong as the Beebz tried to dry hump up upon whatever the hell that Minaj is to their broke ass collaboration which is basically the new pinnacle of musical bankruptcy. A plastic doll and another plastic doll drag the name of your favourite Disney classic through the mud. Britney Spears wasn’t in attendance, but id imagine her reaction to the above performance would have looked a little something like this
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