Princess Buttercup of the Forest aka Taylor Swift has long been known for her extremely questionable taste in male genital touching partners because when your head is literally filled with Princess Sofia songs and Twilight books then you don’t really have much of a radar from when a peen is just looking for a poon to be its glove. So anyway, in between Taylor looking at every dark haired penis who tells her she’s really pretty as her knight in shining armour – she managed to find time to surprise us all. Taylor and he new BFF Selena Gomez are apparently no longer friends because she knows that Justin Bieber is a pimple on humanity’s arse crack that no matter how hard we try to burn off with salicylic acid we can’t purge.
ohn Travolta is back to scene stealing somewhere that isn’t allegedly a bathhouse in Los Angeles! John only had literally three lines to say in the entirety of the Oscars. It took me a quick minute before I figured out he wasn’t some melted pancake who’d wondered on-stage from the props department for a Katy Perry music video, but I shouldn’t shade John or his lacefront, because without him the 2014 Oscars would just be the sad less fun cousins of The Golden Globes. Yes, after somehow lacing the words beautiful and wicked with some kind of fabulous glittery vibrato and making me never able to say the word “talented” the same way again – John introduced oh, you know, Tony Award winning actress Idina Menzel as “Adele Dazeem” And all I could let out were 160,000 YASSSSSES at the immediate number of Adele Dazeem gifs, facebooks and general internet fuckery that would ensue. So thank you John Travolta, because otherwise this was just a bunch of people clapping Cate Blanchett for being a good actress.
Rihanna has been pretty busy lately. In between pissing off the world media and letting down her fans it’s a miracle she’s had time to do anything else. But Rihanna knows she owes some boring and offensive controversy to the world, and at least we can give her a high five for her A-Game in creating drama. Despite her relationship with Chris Brown being “NOBODIES BIDNESS” according to their dumb, poorly conceived song,here she is making it OUR BUSINESS YET AGAIN by tweeting this picture of him shirtless on her bed. Yeah i can see how this is really nobodies business! Rihanna is the kind of person who says “OH YO KNO I JUST WAHNT SOME PREEVACY TO LIV MAH LYFE” and then takes a dump on the street in-front of TMZ’s headquarters. If Chris Brown was some super hot sexual shaman with magical eyes and muscles for miles i’d totally be more forgiving of Rihanna shoving this horrific and degrading reunion back in our faces, but can I just say… I’m not saying Chris Brown is a drug addict, but what i will do is ask you to look at this picture again.
It’s almost the end of 2012 (not really) but it IS the time where people totally ignore the fact we have two calendar months left before both A. Artists stop selling albums that qualify as being part of the year and B. The world ends because its the Kardashians will finally reveal their devious endgame as the rapture opens. So it’s clearly time for us to hastenly crown the most influential pop artists of 2012 according to absolutely nobody except me! This list has been waited for by absolutely nobody with baited breath for many seconds. So I won’t keep you any longer. Let’s begin the countdown after the jump…… 10. Nicki Minaj Well this big tittied troll should be no surprise to anyone really as she’s been on every single record in 2012 released. Nicki did what any good popstar needs to do to sell records, she got her newly fake tits out at every single possible occasion and also completely sold out. Starships is not just complete pop, it’s complete pop eurotrash club nonsense, and it’s kind of fun anyway. For chart domination worldwide and branding herself as a dysfunctional human Barbie with an acid tongue we have to give Nicki some props. 9. Adam Levine Adam Levine may be annoying a dumb douche. But we’d all still hit it repeatedly from every direction. As the helmer of Maroon 5, Adam smartly embraced his obvious ego by joining a talent show as a judge, and in the process has managed to keep his music top-of-mind with the record buying public. Get this, Maroon 5 have been in the mainstream scene for 10 years now. TEN YEARS. How fucking old does that make you feel? Their brand of U2-Lite pop-rock that sells to largely teenage audiences has continued to stay relevant long past...
Alex Reid, who you may remember for this Can now be also credited not only as cross-dresser, boxer, Jordan piece and baby-daddy of reality tv star kids, but now he can also now add “Massively Talented Singing Sensation” to his list of accolades. Alex needs to join Heidi Montag and Courtney Stodden in a Nu-Supremes trio (with Heidi obviously being the LEAD) in which they use the raw power of their naturally beautiful and stunning voices to blow away sold out stadium after stadium in a world tour that will make U2 quiver. I just wanted to take the time to thank Cascada and David Guetta for inflicting this brand of pop music into the world. You know Euro-Rave-Lite pop was really devoid in car radios across the land, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone in thinking my commute would be better if my entire journey sounded like the audible translation of Ecstasy and a Wetherspoons on a Saturday Night.
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