So, it’s that time of year already. Top 10 Albums Lists have hit the web, and we aren’t going to let equally important publications like the New York Times or Rolling Stone get all the glory, join LA Deli as we count down the finest records of the year as well as call out our biggest letdown. So find out who’s first on the list by Clicking Here.
If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL. Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect. Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age. Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman” In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl. Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years. In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in...
Every now and then we feature an Album of the Week. This is a way for you tricks to get exposure to some new music, because shit knows I like music. I really like music. Which is why I have to hate Cheryl Cole a little bit for what she is doing. For years i’ve been a fan of Elin Ruth (Or Elin Ruth Sigvardsson) because girlfriend has a distinctive voice, a strong look, and considered, lyrically and melodically staunching tracks. She’d fall in the “Folk Pop” or “Singer Songwriter” category, and she’s definitely worth a check out. Elin has another new album out called “Here Comes The Storm” which is worth a check out too, but “Queen of Queens and the Last Man Standing” from earlier this year is as strong as any work she’s put out. A soft, retro influenced record – Queen of Queens is buoyed by Elin’s mature experiences of relationships and distinctive, powerful and occasionally raspy voice. Top Tracks from Album: Cross the Ocean, Lonely Town, Queen of Queens and the Last Man Standing Deeper Cuts: Where to Start, 1000 Hands, The War, Long Cold Winter. Purchase this Album Now on iTunes
So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess. So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to. listen to ‘Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang’ on Audioboo Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea. I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx. Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which...
Remember Hilary Duff? I remember photoshopping Hilary Duff’s giant horse teefs onto a can of horse beans and animating it’s arms all in the name of HIGH HUMOUR for this website before. This fact reminds me how many hours of perfectly usable life I have wasted on entirely useless celebrities, and it feels great you guys. Anywayyyy Hilary Duff is back from the grave of irrelevance (other residents: Jewel, Melissa Joan-Hart, Tia and Tamara) in order to give the public what we’ve all been waiting for, new music! Of course, by “the public” I mean four very specific gay men who live in Ohio. Those four husky twinks are wearing their Metamorphosis Album tank tops tonight in celebration of the return of true pop diva/legend/person who can almost sing Hilary Duff. Hilary has released her new summer jam “Chasing the Sun” (Listen Here) which, if you don’t want to fall into a coma, sounds- and I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – like a shittier, less fun version of “Stars are Blind” by Parasite Hilton. Yup, definitely going to hell now. I just don’t understand why Hilary couldn’t come up with writing something more personal than this shitty Colbie Callait phone in. For example a song about Carrots and Sugarcubes. Carrots&Cubes could have been the hottest summer jam of the year. I’m not going to lie. My life got a little less rich when Hilary Duff sawed her teeth back down to human size.
A couple of years ago Brit Brit’s ‘Femme Fatale Tour’ was on the road. That tour probably should have been called ‘Femme Standing and Snapping Her Fingers Whilst Dreaming of Cheetos Tour‘ but I digress. During the tour Brit Brit performed Madonna’s Burning Up whilst riding a giant metal guitar in mom shorts. Now, after many years of absolutely no-one asking for it – the final studio version of said recording has leaked and it kind of sounds like what you’d expect. An 80’s throwback playing to the strengths of Brits rapidly worsening vocal limitations with heavy autotune work done. All i’ll say is that “Britney Jean” makes this shit seem like Bach’s Prelude.
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