ohn Travolta is back to scene stealing somewhere that isn’t allegedly a bathhouse in Los Angeles! John only had literally three lines to say in the entirety of the Oscars. It took me a quick minute before I figured out he wasn’t some melted pancake who’d wondered on-stage from the props department for a Katy Perry music video, but I shouldn’t shade John or his lacefront, because without him the 2014 Oscars would just be the sad less fun cousins of The Golden Globes. Yes, after somehow lacing the words beautiful and wicked with some kind of fabulous glittery vibrato and making me never able to say the word “talented” the same way again – John introduced oh, you know, Tony Award winning actress Idina Menzel as “Adele Dazeem” And all I could let out were 160,000 YASSSSSES at the immediate number of Adele Dazeem gifs, facebooks and general internet fuckery that would ensue. So thank you John Travolta, because otherwise this was just a bunch of people clapping Cate Blanchett for being a good actress.
Britney Spears is an icon and legend. She is also a lazy bitch! After Brit Brit put in about as much effort to promoting her new cd as she did dancing on her last tour, that shit has sort of-flopped-by-britney-standards with a #4 Billboard start with 107,000 copies sold – both a career low for Brit and a reflection that you could literally produce a better album at home with your first Xylophone. Brit Brit is now one step closer to becoming head manager at KFC at finally living up her rampant fantasies to bathe in chicken and frapuccinos. Amidst the furore of fans, who blame everyone from executive robot engineer Will.I.Cant to her puppetmasters management to some old tramp on the street for Britney’s little stroll into flops-ville, Brit managed to flop twice as hard by releasing a heavily label edited version of her new music video “Perfume” which is about as exciting to watch as having a danger wank in your locked bathroom at home. So the song doesn’t suck, and is one of the few highlights from this album which plays like Will.I.Ams experiment in how much he can punish us before Jessie J personally punches him in the mouth on The Voice – but the video? Yeah, The director of the video claims that the original cut was way better. It’s amazing that Brit is so deep into a box of dunkin donuts right now that she probably has no idea this video was released. She probably didn’t even know she filmed a video. Or released an album. She’ll only realize she’s doing a Vegas show half way through the sixth month. Le sigh.
Nicole Fingerlicker has been singing songs for a few years now. Most of them are fucking terrible, and as such ‘no-one curr’. However Nicole is pretty determined to make everyone realize that a) She’s sexy. b) She will have sex with you. c) She lives a difficult life obstructed by the fact that everyone is jealous of how sexy she is. Once you’ve had it drummed into you that Nicole Scherzinger acting like a woman at least six years younger than her actual age is a huge turn-on for you, then you are invited to believe that she is also the most talented singer/dancer of our generation. Beyonce should watch herself because Nicole has the fierce determination to make everyone believe she is the PERFORMER OF OUR TIME that Beyonce hasn’t seen since she fired those other girls from Destiny’s Child.Seriously Nicole, we get it, you fucking love yourself, you are great. Whatever. Here is Nicole eye-fucking the shit out a camera as she rolls all over a floor. You’ve seen this a hundred times before, but because her last single was flop city she’s rushed this one out instead. It’s called “Wet”. Sigh.
When i heard Lady Gaga had a new music video out I immediately wondered what song it would be for given that Lady Gaga’s current musical strategy has been to fling as much shit at a wall as possible and see what sticks. Apparently the video is for The Edge of Glory and it looks something like this Yeah so it basically involves Lady Gaga running up and down a backlot set for 5 minutes 28 seconds and occasionally dry humping a brick wall. Suffice to say that since Gaga fans are all accustomed to seeing her in bedazzled wheelchairs, alien outfits, latex condoms and at eyes wide shut parties they were less than impressed with this video. The bottom line being that Lady Gaga fans have real priorities, like racking up thousands of internet posts about how her new video is not as good as her last video. These are the new leaders of our generation. Yes her video is a dog shit straight from the overflowing poop bin at Primrose Hill, but don’t hate her for that! Hate her because she’s not as good as Britney Spears! Haha Just kidding Gaga Stans, dont menstruate all over your screens.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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