Since Shakira is OUT TO GET DAT MONEY in 2014, she’s back on The Voice, shes advertising yoghurt and she’s also yodelling her ass through another album called simply “Shakira” which means this is serious and she needs to sell some CDS you guys. When she heard the horn-call of her RCA/Sony, Shakira carefully hopped down rocky crevases in the Chilean mountains where she was grazing on delicious goat grass to instead hit a recording studio and lay down some beats. Once the album was finished, she realized that Americans are kind of over hearing goats yodelling this decade, so she drafted in Rihanna, who I assume has an auto-reply mailbox called firstname.lastname@example.org and the response is simply…. “Thank you for requesting to duet with Bajan Superstar Rihanna. She will be in the studio from Sunday at 4pm and will record your duet as part of a queue. Please note, any challenging vocals will be chargeable at extra cost. Much love, Team Rihanna.” But unfortunately even Rihanna rolling around on bed with Shakira like some sort of fang clawed faux lesbos was not enough to generate any interest in Shakira’s new album, so instead she watched The Hunger Games ten times over and decided to employ the shitty VFX team from the first film to follow her to Chile and to her goat pasture home where they put that goat in a dress and set it on fire. It wouldn’t be a Shakira video without a sequence of her dancing like your nana once she’s had 4 whiskies, and she doesn’t disappoint, whilst also keeping in line with all other Shakira music videos in that absolutely nothing happens. In the same way that the directive of a Britney Spears MV narrative is “SEX. BRITNEY. STORY. SEX. STORY. BRITNEY. SEX” the directive for...
Poor Lady Caca, she ordered a horse on ebay, called it Artpop, and as it arrived dead she’s simply been wheeling it’s taxidermied ass as if it was alive for the past year. And so we arrive at the lavish, big budget music video for G.U.Y which I am sure has simply DOZENS UPON DOZENS of cultural subtexts and pop-culture allegories, but unfortunately for Gaga, no-one really gives a fuck any more! Gaga needs to let go of that shit in the same way that we as a society had to let go of Anastacia and Sunset Beach. Sometimes saying goodbye to something you love but no-one else does is the hardest thing. In all, Gaga paid over $300,000 to film the project at Hearst castle, before the cost of the video itself. Combined with the fact that Artpop has already proven a rather large financial failure for Universal, then Gaga is in short out of her fucking mind to produce such a huge scale video for lets be frank, one of her worst single releases to date. Still, at least it’s sold more than Britney Jean. There’s always that. I really hope Gaga sets her next Artpop music video inside the soap world of Sunset Beach, where we can have a cameo from Annie who will talk to herself for hours.
So a couple of months ago Brit Brit released a flacid pop mid-tempo called Perfume penned by the awesome Sia Furler. Turns out like much of her very worst album Britney Jean that it was the victim of the Will.I.Cant radio-friendlifier, and the original cuts, specifically the stems of the song give Furler a duet, and even footing for a nicely balanced, much more romantic rendition. Listen to it and let us know what you think. Better than the original or worse?
Backdoor Farah aka Farrah Abraham has been keeping the world on tenterhooks as a single paid manager hoardes of fans burn up the message boards with speculation of what her next single will sound like. Her first two songs were widely praised, were praised, were released as part of her album which WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK no surprises The Guardian called one of it’s best albums of 2013 so obviously the fans were wild with anticipation of Backdoor Farrah’s new musical direction. Since Farrah cares about her fans she’s kept to her same brand of mis-timed autotuned vocals as a statement on pop culture that GAGA could NEVER. “BLOWIN” isn’t just a statement about what Farrah does on the weekends, but it’s also a statement on how hard it is to be so famous as successful, which are two of the first things you might think of when the name “Backdoor Farrah” comes into your head. Heidi Montag, reigning queen of pop, must be deeply concerned by this mindblowing and epic release in which Farrah keeps it raw and real with lyrics such as Im blowin (I’m blowin) All these bullies away (REPEAT!) Celebrity -Celebrity –Celebrity Celebrity -Celebrity -Celebrity Being yourself is makin you famous Farrah is truly an introspective and deeply multi-layered songwriter. Somewhere in the countryside in France Joni Mitchell just threw her pen down, grabbed a bottle of wine and said “Done. Can’t be topped” Take a listen above or click here if the video isn’t displaying.
Things that will make me feel forever old: It’s been almost seven years since Shawnna became the angelic ray of glimmering elegance and what definitely TO DO in your music videos. Shawnna kept it definitively real, and much more real than J.Lo could ever with “Damn” the most supes amazing usage of hot-topic bananas to give us all shades of Pirate Chic. Shawnna is a beautiful wordsmith and a Shakespeare of our time, as evidenced from the emotional and deeply introspective lyrics to “Damn”, the story about a girl who’s standing in front of a boy asking him to shag her. Damn damn she got a donkey And that shit so chunky How she get them jeans on that monkey Like man got me like a junky Only when she pump me Whisper in my ear I think she want it Such elegance and demure grace. Never forget Shawnna, Never. Forget.
Because it wouldn’t be a Jennifer Lopez music video without a megaphone screaming at you that she definitely and categorically keeps it ‘real’, the video for her new song “I Love Your Puppy” aka “I Luh Ya PaPi” (title was not written by a dyslexic teenager?) J.Lo had to involve two cackling bronx latina sterotypes who might have well have just been Ana Ortiz from Ugly Betty but she probably didn’t have the budget. What makes this video HEE LARRRREEEE EOUS is that J.Lo tries to masquerade as a feminist icon when she decides its time to objectify men in a music video ‘for a change’ and then appears in the video as such. She’s really showing us that she’s the HBIC! And we have definitely never, ever, ever seen men objectified in music videos before. Thanks J.Lo, for breaking new ground with a song about puppies.
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