Remember when Taylor Swift was still holding a guitar and trying to make you believe she’d just fallen out of a barn after telling her boyfriend she wasn’t ready yet? Well on her last album, Taylor did a little thing called “Selling The Fuck Out!” and her label obviously liked the sound of eight million wallets falling open, cause Taylor has another pop album coming out and she’s released a new single and video for that shit. Whatever country backwater town Taylor Swift once came from is now a distant cackle to her at a fancy industry event where, with this song, she’s effectively doing the following.
I once knew a dude who was hugely into Hilary Duff. It was totally fucking weird. I mean, Hilary Duff was for 8 year old girls and he was a man of a certain age. I was concerned about this. I don’t know exactly what happened to him, he’s probably in a maximum security prison now. I do however know what happened to Hilary Duff and no, she’s not off winning the Grand National. Hilary’s musical comeback got off to an ambien induced coma of a start when she released that used condom on the beach-eseque recycled mess known as “Chasing the Sun” which may as well have been titled “Chasin a top 90 on the Billboard Hot 100” and so, with Norah Jones popping her song on for an early night over a Horlicks, she rush-released the second single from her upcoming album. It was a good move. Duff to me is kind of like the human walking version of The Hills. When The Hills was still on I would scoff at those trolls and even though I watched that shit religiously, by the time it got cancelled I was like “Thank fuck for that!” But now that we have Jersey Shore, The Kuntrashians, and whatever MTV UK finds on a pavement on television, looking back at The Hills suddenly feels like a warm nostalgic journey to simpler times to gentle Sarah McLachlan music during a cold winter’s night. Simpler times in terms of Hilary Duff is a popstar who didnt feel like patting her vagina vigorously like it had just ignited was course for par in a stage show. There’s something sweet and disarming about her musical comeback that feels like it’s a welcome reprise from the absolute relentlessness of EDM trash that is top 40 now. Hilary Duff is sort of like a...
It’s been about seven or eight minutes since Katy Perry released a single, so the single dropping machine in her vagina must have sensed it was slacking off and got to work in popping out another single. Because when you turn on the radio, if it’s not Katy Perry’s voice that you hear, then that’s a failing of corporate America. Katy’s Cooter must have been aware that her last single, “Birthday”, was a fucking mess and didn’t even hit top 10, which is specifically important because that is the biggest number Katy can count to. As it wouldn’t be a Katy Perry album without releasing almost every decibel on it as an individual single, Katy quickly moved on to release the fifth single from that underwhelming-at-best album in under a year. This is How We Do is the audio equivalent to asking Donna Martin from 90210 to write down her brain on paper. Basically everything that is written in the song is then shown on-screen, because ambiguity and artistry is for suckers and so here’s Katy Perry chilling and lying back when she sings “chilling, laid back!” The director of this video tries to compensate for the lack of an actual song by throwing in a cute twerking ice-cream who frankly steals that shit with a baked ice-cream sandwich and confused watermelon. Katy Perry should not bother recording any more videos for her next singles. Instead, she should just play this video of Paranomal Pugtivity in loop for all of the 94 remaining singles we will receive from Prism.
If what you are looking from in a pop song is “autotune until it’s almost unbearable” and a distinct lack of melody or lyrics, then you’re in luck – because everyone’s least favourite suppository from 2001 is back with her new smash flop “Come Alive”. In the video, Paris Hilton copy and pastes Mariah Carey’s unicorn and candy-floss cloud dreams directly onto the screen and instead of the glorious photoshopped Mimi communicating with dolphins, we instead have the hangover that we thought Kim Kardashian was brought on earth to erase by that dark sided magic spell. Paris gives such insightful observations on culture and society as Living a dream Having fun Love is my addiction I don’t care what they say This life I’m gonna live it My life can get so crazy Oh yeah oh oh Our life is so amazing It’s like forever Only time will tell How I feel about you Which is really making me think at this stage that Tracey Chapman, Joni Mitchell, and Bob Dylan must have had a real fucking overnight session to get this one out of the door in time for Paris to record it. Paris’ last single ‘Good Time’ went triple CASH4GOLD and as such it only makes sense that her label were keen to release this. What makes me confused and hurt inside as a human being more than anything else is that delusional music critics on the internet continuously shower us with such ridiculousness as suggesting that this latent teabag of a pop record could ever be passably considered a “hit” if it were recorded by another artist. This could be recorded by the ghost of Michael Jackson in a romantic duet with the ghost of John Lennon featuring a rap interlude by the Ghost of Princess Diana...
Because music videos these days have to be longer than Lord of the Rings and because we’re sort of bored with seeing Katy Perry’s tits at this stage (but not really, please more tits Katy!) she decided to make a long ass video for her new song Birthday in which she essentially goes around ruining people’s birthday parties for shits and giggles as five different, equally awful characters. Of course, that shit ended up being about as heeelarious as Madeleine Stowe doing stand-up. In the video Katy freaks out a bunch of old people by pretending to die at their party with her saggy tits out, traumatizes a bunch of children by eating a mouse at their party and then ruins another kids party as a drunk clown. Of course the whole thing culminates in a “BUT DON’T WORRY, IM KATY PERRY!!!!!!” moment at the end, which is pretty bold of her given that if she’d turned up to my kid’s birthday party and made her cry by eating a mouse in front of her for a music video, i’d be even more likely to punch her in the poon, because profiteering off of peoples misery and ruining their birthday and hoping that everyone is just kind of going to like you because you are famous is kind of a dick move Katy. Well, at least it’s not Hello Kitty.
Update: It appears Avril removed the video from Youtube AND Vimeo, the above is a fan uploaded video. I think we can all agree that 18 year old’s singing songs like With You isn’t unimpressive. By the same token, it can be said that a 29 year old woman singing songs like “Hello Kitty” is most definitely unimpressive. Im kind of at the stage of thinking Avril Lavigne is the new Michael Jackson in that she’s never growing up and is always going to live in a hot topic wonderland as a gothic Alice. Avril is sporting a look which says ‘Madonna fucked a cupcake and then fell onto a razor’, and she’s singing a song which I can only describe as one of the worst things to happen to pop music since, well, ever. What makes this song an even greater travesty is not the fact that Avril Lavigne chose this as one of the cuts from what is actually a relatively solid pop album, (if you like your pop served by a grown-ass woman acting like she’s a slutty 18 year old) but it’s the sheer embarrassing ridiculousness of her music video. Like, it’s the visual equivalent to chucking up pepto-bismol all over a dish of Wasabi. That is to say, it is not a very good music video. In fact, it is so bad that Avril herself even looks uncomfortable, probably wondering how it came to this. A promising career as the next Alanis Morisette ends up with a bit of her head shaved off whilst she wears a patent cupcake dress and sings about a Japanese craze which, for all intensive purposes, became irrelevant about four years ago. Kind of like Avril herself. Le sigh.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.