If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL. Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect. Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age. Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman” In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl. Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years. In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in...
Any old school hard-core LA Deli’ers (you’re out there, somewhere) will remember us from our days as The Deli, and will also remember a unhealthy obsession I took to Fergie Ferg after girlfriend pissed herself on stage that one time. Fergie earned that place in my heart from her leaky bladder and her quote about how she discovered she had a drug problem from talking to a clothes hamper for most of a day. Fergie is a legend, a hero, and nothing negative can be said about her. Except from the fact that her face is all kinds of WHAT but you know, she pee’d herself so defacto get out of fug free card. And in fairness I know a truckload of girls who’d kill to look like the duchess of piss. Fergie’s LA Love music video has a bunch of famous hos in it because people like Fergie because shes AWESOME. Fergie also brings the Rapunzel vibes to the video with a fake ponytail that would look at home in Britney’s exquisite collection of “real look wigs” Fergie’s song is no “Fergalicious” but i’m sure there are mindless watersports fans who will buy this to honour their qween anyway. Here’s for hoping her next video features her singing to a clothes hamper for four minutes.
Gwen Stefani probably slithered out of Lisle Von Rhoman’s Beverley Hills mansion before she filmed the music video for her new song “Baby Don’t Lie” because bitch has not aged a single iota in, well, ever. In the video Gwen gives us ten shades of “Couldn’t be bothered making a music video” by effectively walking in-front of a greenscreen for the duration. It kind of looks like the 80s, 90s and 00s are all wrestling for top dominance in this video and that’s sort of a great way of describing Gwen Stefani on the whole. Because greenscreen music videos are like REALLY EXPENSIVE (except not at all) and weird acid graphics probably cost Gwen’s label all of $10,000, she had to of course get some product placement in that mess, because the Gwen Stefani you know and love is now the Gwen Stefani wearing Pumas you know and love and also heres a nice phone, and look at this app. I like Gwen Stefani because shes brazen enough to literally replay her music video for 30 seconds in rewind and think no-ones noticing that bitch went for the budget option on this one. As a sidenote, I love the song. It’s like a Rhianna album cut from before Rhianna went all club, except its way better because its Gwen Stefani, and not Rhianna.
Jennifer Lopez is the most important singer, actress and reality tv show judge of a generation, so it comes as no surprise that J.Lo keeps the levels of delusion low low low on a new interview regarding the hardcore pornography advertisement for tag-team escorting services known as her Booty music video. In an interview with Yahoo!, J.Lo said the video is really important for women, because nothing stands up for women’s rights to be women at ANY age than shaking your womanly ass against another woman’s. She went on to say that once you become an old dame after turning 28, then you don’t have to go and kill yourself – instead you should allow yourself to grow old gracefully by accepting that with age comes wisdom, maturity and a new kind of sophisticated beauty. Except not really. “This is good for women,” she insisted. “You have to know that you don’t disappear after you’re 28 years old. You can be here, you can be vital and young and sexy and feel good about yourself.” So incase there was any confusion that Jennifer Lopez went to The Mimi & Madonna School of Never Ageing where she majored in “Grabbing onto youth with your muscular, sinewy claw-like spider arms” and minored in “heavily Photo-shopping out the truth” then there you have it. And of course Booty is really a feminist anthem! That’s why J.Lo cut Pitbull from the record. Not because Pitbull is this close to appearances on the East Hill Mall commercials, but rather because Iggy Azelea is another strong feminist voice! Yeah! GIRL POWER etc! (and definitely not focus group record label pairings). I can’t wait to hear what Annie Lennox has to say about J.Lo and her empowering ass, though I suspect Annie Lennox only just realized Beyonce wasn’t a cartoon character...
As it is now mandatory to sing songs about asses, be a prostitute and give Iggy Azelea a third of your song, Jennifer Lopez decided to tick all of the above boxes in her video for “Booty“, an inspiring and emotional anthem about asses being big. The unfortunate part of this video is that Jennifer Lopez is no longer a CURVY LATINA MAMA SALAS CONCHITA, she is now more muscular than Chyna’s clit and her ass looks like a teeny weeny next to all of the fat implanted asses we are seeing every damn day half naked at the VMA’s. Because J.Lo knows she’s built like She-Ra now, she opted to get creative and cover her ass in maple syrup whilst she applies lip balm. The target demographic for lip balm are widely known to appreciate maple syrup too so this is just another great example of J.Lo’s conglomerate mind at work. At this stage Iggy Azelea is kind of like wallpaper. Wallpaper from White Chicks with a huge ass, but wallpaper nonetheless.
Nicki Minaj took a break from letting Iggy Azalea snatch her career away to release a new music video for Anaconda and that shit is a predictable mess of jungle references, twerking, wall-to-wall arse and Nicki Minaj giving Drake a lapdance. The Anaconda video is what would Katy Perry’s Roar video would be if it hooked up with a stripper. That shit is an abortion of colours and stuttering, but Nicki’s face is surprisingly not looking like its been possessed by every demon in the hemisphere. Anaconda sounds like its been sung by a baby prostitute from inside a shoe, because that audio quality is super shit. I dont think Nicki is all that concerned by the audio on this mess though given she spends most of the video rubbing her naglas against her backing dancers and giving angry blowjobs to a banana. If you wanted to know how low a ho can go to sell a CD, then Nicki Minaj and Rihanna will happily duet to teach you this. The last minute of this song is literally Nicki Minaj just making noises and giggling and saying “bitch” a lot and also hating on thin people. The take away from this video i think we are all supposed to have is that Nicki Minaj has a big fat ass and would like to take calls regarding a porn career.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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