Tag Archives: Megan Fox


Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

I have still to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but if the word of mouth is to be believed then my life will never be the same and I should cut off my testicles now because not even sex will compare to the awesomeness of this movie. As such it has now become the top-grossing movie of the year in America, beating out “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”  and it’s a dead-cert to cross $300 Million all in. Worldwide however, Guardians has some work to do. The superhero romp trails the billion-dollar grossing Transformers: Age of Extinction as well as Maleficent, X-Men, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and How to Train your Dragon 2. I have to give a slow hand clap to Disney and St Angie this year. Not only are Disney literally vomiting up Marvel money to then eat it up and shit it back out, but with the addition of Frozen’s international rollout and the huge overperformance of Maleficent as the second biggest film of the year worldwide, the Disney shareholders will be fapping into Maleficent branded cups as the tweak their icy money nipples. Another overperforming story at this years box-office is one which only genius and visionary Megan Fox foresaw, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not only opened well, but has actually developed impressive box office stamina as it lurches towards $200 Million. Disgustingly. Finally this weekend its worth mentioning that The Hundred Foot Journey has already passed a 4.0x multiplier after a month of release. This pic will definitely close north of $50 Million now as we predicted. I like saying “as we predicted” because not only do I get to be smug about being right, but I also get to pretend theres more than one of me, as If i had a conference about...
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Box Office: The Expendables 3 Flops hard

After Megan Fox foretold of box office history when a bunch of animated turds running around Megan Fox for two hours grossed more money than we will all see in our lifetimes, I had half expected her to come forth with her IMPORTANT PREMONITIONS for this weekend’s box office. Unfortunately it would appear Megan was too busy injecting vats of snake venom into her face as she didn’t give box office analysts jack shit. So without Megan’s otherworldly powers to guide them,  studio execs had to go by their own instincts, and those instincts were of course super fucking wrong. The Expendables 3 was expected to be the highest charting new release this weekend,  but it tanked hard and is looking at a launch behind other new release Let’s Be Cops for just $15.9 Million.  Lazy puns at how the Expendables have expired etc are well on their way from the fat fingers of weasley box office analysts across the land. As mentioned, Let’s Be Cops continues the summer tradition set by Transformers 4 and  last weekend’s TMNT  of absolute dross grossing more money than should be legally allowed. What surmounts to being New Girl in police uniforms without the slightly important ‘girl’ part was lambasted (I love that fucking word) by critics for sucking hard with a measly 11% on RT, but America don’t listen to no reviews. This means that shit show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  is still the top film of the weekend and Megan Fox continues her reign of being the most successful film prop for another week. Elsewhere  Guardian’s of the Galaxy continue’s a robust performance towards being the top movie of the year having now grossed over $200 Million. The Giver was expected to be a sleeper hit this year, but then Katie Holmes joined the cast and we all know how that...
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Megan Fox was right!!!!

Internationally respected philosopher, box office analyst and visionary Megan Fox was right again. She recently foretold that audiences would flock to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because they were dumb enough to also go see Transformers 4. (Before pulling that classic Audrey Hepburn  elegance trick of telling her audience to “fuck off” if they hate the film). Megan’s solid logic and Nostradamus brain turned out to be 100% right as per usual. Despite horrible reviews and poor response, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opened on top of the box office on Friday night. TMNT is currently on track to open to around $62-65 Million after a very strong Friday night of teenage boys with erections. When a rational adult sees a movie poster featuring Megan Fox they generally perceive the movie as being “bad”, “poorly plotted” and “probably as fun as throwing acid on my dick”. But when teenage boys see Megan Fox on a movie poster they see “BONER!”, “AWESOME” and “BONER!”. The fact that the turtles all look like giant talking versions of various post vodka and gin shits i’ve had over the years are kind of a turn-off for me, because no one wants to be reminded of the time you woke up in a stranger’s apartment and had to take a post-booze poo or you’d crap yourself on the tube home. No one. In other box office news. Guardians of the Galaxy continues to play well and is going to be off around 55% to $42.5ish million. The budget version of Twister without any of the flying cows known as Into the Storm also bested expectations and is set for around $17.5 Million this weekend. Finally, The Hundred Foot Journey also bested expectations significantly in what is shaping up to be a strong August. The Lasse Hallstrom helmed pic is in tune for $11.5 Million for it’s...
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