Photoshop is a tool of great power. It help’s Mariah Carey sell CDS. It Help’s Britney Spears sell concert tickets. It helps Jessica Simpson appear to lose more weight than she really has when she does the ‘After’ posters for weight watchers. But the real power of photoshop has clearly been announced today in another round of “What famous people would look like if they didn’t have a staff of 400 making them look beautiful” affair which implies that any beauty celebrities have is not natural, and thereby makes us all feel pretty great. So lets laugh at terrible pictures of fat and old people with celebrity faces stuck onto their bodies! Ha! 1. Chubby Jennifer Aniston Apparently Jennifer Aniston would be a porker without her health regime. I can kind of see it since when she first joined Friends she actually weighed more than a sack of feathers. Jennifer would also be unable to use a hairbrush due to dehabilitating chubbiness. 2.Rihanna as a Christian Pastor Apparently not only would Rihanna be fat, but she would also be a lot older and a Christian pastor in the mid-west rather than look anything like other Bajan women. Rihanna’s hair is immaculate though, so that’d be a positive change. 3. Madonna at her real age. Madonna might say she’s 53, but according to this artist Madonna is 74 and also went to prison where they don’t have Shampoo. 4. Sarah Jessica Parker would be amongst her own kind. This just isn’t fair. 5. Gwneyth Paltrow would be an Agony Aunt Instead of writing GOOP apparently Gwneyth would write Aunt GOOP. Instead of giving advice on rare south asian colonics, she’d give advice on what to do if you find your boyfriend using HIS colonic. 5. Beyonce and Jay-Z would be total...
It’s pretty fucking lucky that ALIAS ended when it did, because Jennifer Garner appeared to have been holding up four lifetimes of BEBE-MAKING to unleash an army attractive, strong-jawed offspring with Ben Affleck. No one wants to see Sydney Bristow in that lacy bra and panties with a giant baby bump. But here it is anyway. Mariah Carey speed-dialing my number for mad good photoshop skills. No surprise then that the MONTHSSSSS (gossip rag writers are seriously fucking boring people) of speculation about Jennifer Garner being knocked up again has come to an end after Jen announced to People that Yes! She is going to be fat for the better part of yet another year! I personally love my Jennifer Garner to look like a whale, so I’m totally okay with this. In fact, Jennifer Garner could be clinically obese and i’d still walk away from a sausage stand for her. Jen said the usual shit about how ‘thrilled’ she was to have another bebe and how her vagina is basically a rag flapping around in the wind now. Okay she didn’t say the last part, but she should have. Jennifer Garner will be a Duggar soon and her vagina is looking for a band aid and some sutures to DIY itself back to health. In less happy news, this all appears to confirm a number of blind items about Jen and Ben which infer that he wants to leave her, and has cheated on her numerous times; something that she’s become fed up about and is ready to end the marriage over.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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