Tag Archives: Mariah Carey


Mariah Carey is here to rule your jewel encrusted phone.

Because Mimi has already replaced Whitney as “The New Whitney” and replaced the sun as “The New Star” it was only a matter of time before Mimi looked at who’s hot and happening right now to replace them like the iconic and timeless superstar that she is. Because Kate Upton is totally “now” and really “in”, Mimi’s Sauron Butterfly Eye (Which exclusively focuses on ways to keep Mimi young and relevant) cast it’s gaze Kates way and decided that what’s hers had to be Mimi’s! None for you Kate Upton!  The games company could not resist the magical soothsaying that Mimi sent to them and decided to pay her a seven-figure sum to be the face of their game whilst Kate Upton was shuffled off back to whatever Sports Illustrated cover she came from. Obviously this is a huge improvement on the Kate Upton ads. Industrial Light and Magic have worked really hard to make Mimi a realistic looking human being  and she looks great! I mean this is a no-brainer. Mimi is leading an army of butterflies in the ad to destroy any haters and Eminem fans with a sea of glitter and extravagant candles? Sold!  Also, we have learned that Mimi runs like a Pokemon with IBS and it really is everything. If you are wondering how a free app can afford to pay Mimi the billions of butterflies she demands for a commercial endorsement, then you should know that this “free” shit makes $1.5 Million a day  for the company which takes in $600 Million a year from it. I can only assume this is down to people paying for stupid fortress upgrades or whatever the fuck it is that you have to pay to make this game go beyond a loading screen. Well whatever it is,...
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Mimi is headed to Vegas

Because the snowy hills of Aspen are only a seasonal dalliance for Empress of the Butterflies Mariah Carey, she has to find something to do with her time for the rest of the year. For a while, visiting the HSN to sell moments was enough for Mimi. And then, murdering some classics on live TV worked for her, but Mimi has heard the beacon call of a million emperor butterflies suddenly flocking towards a desert oasis and she must heed their calls as their iconic leader. Yes, that’s right – Mimi’s true calling as a Vegas showgirl has finally arrived. Mimz revealed to Ellen that she is going to do a residency in Caesars Palace with all the glee of someone who just  realized they are going to take a six hour car journey with an IBS sufferer. Glamour moments abound. High slit dresses totally appropriate here. Vegas is effectively what Mariah Carey was made for as it allows her to do two of her favourite things in the world. Make a ludicrous amount of money and look like a 12 year olds glitter glue painting of an adult female whilst she does so. Mimi is expected to at least match Celine and Britney’s huge $475k-per-gig payday for her stint at Caesars Palace, where she’s due to take over from on hiatus Celine and departing Shania. I hope Caesars know what they’ve let themselves in for. Celine may have demanded saline drip nasal solution and room humidifiers, but Mariah will insist on her entire dressing room complex being decked out to be an indoor jungle botantical garden filled with the rarest butterflies from every corner of the globe.  Where Celine might have asked for white flowers, Mariah will ask for fresh lillies flown in from the pristine jungles of the Seychelles every...
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Update: Mimi still can’t really sing.

A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong. It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“. As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why. It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.  
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Mariah Carey’s photoshoots are expensive.

This just in – the digital, lighting and styling mastery and Harry Potter level of special effects that it takes to turn Mariah Carey from whatever current form she is to a twig version of Beyonce  is about as expensive as you might imagine. Mariah is being slapped with a lawsuit (via her label) in which a pissed off photographer claimed the label engaged him to shoot the new Mimi album cover and so he hired in a thousand unicorns, fifty trillion orange and pink butterflies, bought a chandalier the size of a house and rented all of Miami for a week and then those tricks cancelled at the last minute with no reason.  Rude! According to TMZ the photographer broke down the costs for a Mimi shoot as follows Stylist — $65,391 Hair stylist — $9,600 Makeup artist — $7,200 Manicurist — $2,400 Photographer Fee — $150,000 Vaseline for the lense – $8 It’s frankly disappointing that the photographer didn’t tell the truth about where that $150,000 fee is going –  a warehouse in Taipei where 140 digital designers work day and night for three weeks in order to create the wax mannequin version of a human person we see every few years in front of the words “Mariah Carey” on Target  and ASDA shelves. I personally think Mimi should file for a divorce from Photoshop for a while and instead have her next album cover raw and real, and most importantly, honest. But then we all know that Photoshop has developed Stockholm syndrome for all the years of captivity and abuse Mariah Carey has subjected it to. That bitch will never quit Mimi  
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Mimi the elusive gambler.

As of late The Empress of Butterflies, Queen of Pink Latex, Dame of High-Heel cross training and master of diva shit MooMi has had critics (ie me) out for her after her voice has appeared shaky as fuck at concerts, tv performances, and anything really. It looks like we weren’t the only assholes out for poor Moomi’s jugular, because her backing singers even put a bet on that bitch couldn’t hit a note if she tried anymore, and well if there’s any incentive for Moomi to hit a note, it’s the idea of sweet cold hard cash. Obsessed #mariahcarey #theelusivechanteuseshow A post shared by Mariah Now (@mariahnow) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:03am PDT Moomz hit that note so hard she probably shit herself a little bit, but bitch didnt care cause that note was the sound of her backing singer’s pride dropping into her hand along with some measly toilet paper she will probably use later to wipe her jack russell’s ass. Also of note: Mimi still thinking she’s the human form of Jessica Rabbit as she smacks her other backing singer’s hand away (I’m not here to make friends!) and get’s dat money. If Mimi hadn’t become a singer, she would have made a grade a gold-digger and I have to respect that.
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The Queen of Butterflies is separating from Nick Cannon

The Queen of Butterflies and Princess of Bratwurst know as Mariah Carey is currently living in a separate house from that commoner she’s been married to Nick Cannon. Nick has confirmed to The Insider that he and the giant DOLLAR sign he married are living separately and encountering a “rough patch”. This might be because  Mimi is too busy being a multi-uber-triple platinum chart topper (in her brain its always 1999) whilst also curating the beautiful butterfly and unicorn kingdom in her dreams to even bother about this basic shit. Nick denied the widespread rumours that his penis was jogging off to indulge in some ice team with other vaginas during the relationship. Because Mariah is the ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE and keeps her gracious public at arms length, sources are suggesting that Queen Mimi was most displeased that Nick told everyone who would listen everything about anything. Whilst she’s stuffing herself into a bandage dress to write another multi trillion selling SMASH,  Nick Cannon is out laughing about the times he banged Kim Kardashian on basic radio. Nick failed at the #1 rule of gold-digging, and that is to respect your paycheck!!! Do you think  SyFy Network would ever disrespect their meal-ticket in internationally respected thesp and star of Sharknado, Tara Reid? No! Do you think that Kevin Federline would violate his agreement and talk to the press about the grizzly details of having been married to Brit Brit? No! And do you think the Ecclestone sisters  would talk about how their daddy looks like a Bugs Life insect on acid? Fuck no! Those bitches know where their bread is buttered, and Nick Cannon must have lost his gold-digger induction pack when he originally married Mimi. The Insider revealed that Mariah is worth $510 Million whilst Nick is worth $20 Million. Translation: Mimi is looking out...
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