Internationally respected philosopher, box office analyst and visionary Megan Fox was right again. She recently foretold that audiences would flock to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because they were dumb enough to also go see Transformers 4. (Before pulling that classic Audrey Hepburn elegance trick of telling her audience to “fuck off” if they hate the film). Megan’s solid logic and Nostradamus brain turned out to be 100% right as per usual. Despite horrible reviews and poor response, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opened on top of the box office on Friday night. TMNT is currently on track to open to around $62-65 Million after a very strong Friday night of teenage boys with erections. When a rational adult sees a movie poster featuring Megan Fox they generally perceive the movie as being “bad”, “poorly plotted” and “probably as fun as throwing acid on my dick”. But when teenage boys see Megan Fox on a movie poster they see “BONER!”, “AWESOME” and “BONER!”. The fact that the turtles all look like giant talking versions of various post vodka and gin shits i’ve had over the years are kind of a turn-off for me, because no one wants to be reminded of the time you woke up in a stranger’s apartment and had to take a post-booze poo or you’d crap yourself on the tube home. No one. In other box office news. Guardians of the Galaxy continues to play well and is going to be off around 55% to $42.5ish million. The budget version of Twister without any of the flying cows known as Into the Storm also bested expectations and is set for around $17.5 Million this weekend. Finally, The Hundred Foot Journey also bested expectations significantly in what is shaping up to be a strong August. The Lasse Hallstrom helmed pic is in tune for $11.5 Million for it’s...
Call me crazy, because I am crazy. But call me stupid, because I thought that when the world saw what a piece of shit stain the second Transformers movie was compared to the first that they’d turn their backs on that racist, lewd, eye fucking piece of shit franchise in time for the third film to become a hot mess flop, especially since the porn performance of Megan Fox would be replaced by the excellent delivery in the role of Piece of Wood with Tits by Rosie Huntington-Whitely. As with most things in life, I was fucking wrong! The third Transformers movie made $1.13 Billion worldwide and became the biggest movie in the franchise. So of course Hollywood decided to remove Shia Labeouf from the equation before he asked for dat money and brought in everyone’s favourite film actor that no one would specifically go and pay to see Mark Whalberg. Somehow, the fact that basically everything that was present in the first film being completely non-present – and the fact that these movies are essentially 90 minutes of action blurs featuring indistinguishable robots fighting doesn’t seem to have put anyone off as this shit is in line to open to over $93 Million at the US Box office this weekend. People are dumb bitches and so I can’t blame Hollywood for making dumb movies for these assholes. Elsewhere this weekend, How to Train Your Dragon 2 will continue to be the lacklustre performer it should have never been, Jersey Boys is looking a flop mess, Maleficient will cross $200 Million on it’s way to $220 Million aka way, way above expectations. St Angie’s horned up performance will ultimately score her a $600 Million global supersmash which will by far and wide be her crowning motion picture achievement.
If when you woke up this morning your coffee was cold, your tv was acting whack, your cat had shit all over your shoes and a swirling storm cloud raged outside – then don’t be alarmed, the gods are just really angry right now. Saint Angie and her noble steed Brad Pitt were dressed up as goth versions of Bennifer 2 in Los Angeles for the premiere of Disney’s Angelina Jolie and through some miracle the protective force-field of Heavy Hispanics that surrounds them failed and a peon reporter called Vitalii Sediuk broke the holy vow humanity took when we were gifted St Angie and Brad by touching their skin. Vitalii (who’s name sound like a Ukranian shampoo) is well known for pranking dat shit on celebrities. He’s face-crotched Leonardo DiCaprio, got pushed off when he kissed Will Smith, crashed Adele at the Grammy’s, looked up Ugly Betty’s skirt at Cannes and is now in the chokey for punching Brad Pitt in the face. And was later seen accepting a package from Jennifer Aniston who cackled and disappeared into a flurry of green smoke. Apparently the punch wasn’t that serious though as Brad went back to signing autographs and riding down the red carpet with St Angie on his back. Jennifer Aniston’s thousands of cats are said to be overjoyed at the development.
In case you’ve not been dedicating your every waking hour to reading entertainment industry rags which spin boring production stories into dramatic and exciting tales, then first of all, call me and let me know what a life feels like, and second of all , you should probably know that Angelina Jolie recently took on the horns of Disney’s greatest bitch Maleficent. Hollywood has kindly appreciated Angelina’s inherent evil ability to ruin Jennifer Aniston’s life by awarding her a lot more money and much better roles than Jennifer Aniston on a consistent basis, and since Angelina Jolie was ze biggest stahhh in dah wurld! until Sandra Bullock decided to stop being terrible, it totally seemed like a great idea to cast her as Maleficent at the time. I will admit when i heard this casting news I nodded and said “Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this decision making process” but now ive seen the trailer for this shit and I’m suddenly I’m feeling like Ross when he was at the alter with Emily when he really wanted Rachel. As you can see Angie is really giving it her all in the trailer. And by giving it her all I mean looking over her shoulder all evil-like four or five times and laughing like she’s just seen Jennifer Aniston’s People magazine wedding shoot to the guy who isn’t Brad Pitt (Read: With great glee and malice). The trailer also stars Lana Del Rey singing a lot like how I feel when I listen to a Lana Del Ray album – i.e. nearly comatose and entirely despondent. They really cut her down a lot in this trailer, probably because the other trailer they cut kind of looks like Alice in Wonderland but with the CGI budget of Revenge. But more likely because Angelina Jolie as Maleficent sounds a lot like...
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