There are a lot of ways you can tell if you are not famous. Looking at your bank balance and asking yourself if you can or can’t afford a loaf. Checking your Facebook and seeing if you pay anyone to be your friend. Looking at your genitals to check if you are currently having sex with Lindsay Lohan, or checking your Google Calendar to see if there any fortnightly appointments that fall under the titles “dietician”, “therapist”, “botox”, “dentist”, or “dermatologist”. See famous fancy bitches don’t have to deal with common folks things like human looking skin, or teefs that age – because they are famous, fool! So It should be any surprise that in the world of the rich and famous, shady side-eye moments don’t happen in Costco or at the ATM, they happen at the Dermatologist. Beyonce was just popping by the dermatologist for her fortnightly top up of botox and filler when she bumped into Kim Kardashian, and like most of the universe, Beyonce enjoyed small-talk with Kim K about as much as she enjoyed the time when Kelly Rowland was allowed to speak in interviews. Apparently, according to Radar Online Kim is totally obsessed with Beyonce and when she bumped into her she fangirled the fuck out, to which Beyonce was like ‘Oh i obviously have to go back to the dermatologist as there is a giant ass pimple I clearly haven’t removed’. According to the report, Beyonce was more interested in checking in with Michelle Williams than talking to Kim, and who can blame her – because with all the toxic poison in her face Beyonce must have been worried about a bio-hazard if she came into contact with the one person entirely formed from toxic poison. Apparently straight afterwards, Kim went in and asked to have EXACTLY what...
If Kim Kardashian is feeling a cool breeze on her wax mannequin skin and freezer block face today, it’s probably the solar eclipse of shade that’s been cast on her by Empress of Shade Naomi Campbell who took a break from terrorizing people on the set of her tv show to show that once a cunt empress, always a cunt empress! What i love about Empress of Shade is that she clearly cracks her own batty ass up. When she says “no comment” that bitch KNOWS the volume of shade she’s throwing and laughs hysterically at her own cuntery. In her own head shes high fiving herself for being HILARIOUSLY evil, whilst throwing blackberries at anyone who isn’t herself. Naomi then said shes a FAHHHSHUN MODEL and she worked for YEARS!!!! to make the cover of Vogue so she has nothing to say about the commoner muck likes of Kim K and her Robot Puppeteer making the cover. When the host of the Aussie show surmised that basically Naomi was implying that Cottage Cheese and Gay Fish hadn’t earned their right to that messy cover (as if it was akin to earning your PHD) Naomi treated us to a dessert course of shade with a little umbrella on top when she said “Those are your words, im being politically correct”, which would make a change from the time when she took all those blood diamonds. Bravo Naomi, your cuntery is so legendary that I eagerly await Naomi: Blood Diamond on that west end stage. A spectacular musical with numbers including “Don’t you know who I am?”, “Blackberry Blitz”, “Imnothereforthat” and “Tyra, who dat bitch?”
Times must be tough for Vogue because instead of a human female who is only a missed meal of a single pea away from dying they’ve placed Kim and Kanye on the cover at last. I say at last because Kanye probably had to go straight to the molten seat of the devil in hell and personally beg his ass to be on the cover of Vogue for the souls of everyone in his bloodline. The devil was still like “Hmmm.NOPE” so Kanye had to throw in the Kuntrashians too. The Devil was still unconvinced as who wants the stinky nasty souls of those vapid fame-whores, but when Kanye threw in his entire collection of winterwear to the deal it became a goer. I see that Vogue’s old friend Photoshop was not one to rest when it realized it had to not only airbrush beauty in, but also airbrush trashiness out. Nice try, Photoshop but no beuno! This picture is kind of wrong because surely Kanye should have his hands up Kim’s ass to play her like the vicarious puppet she is for him. Kanye can’t wear pretty dresses, but KIM CAN. In addition to the HIGH FASHION that Kim and Kanye are bringing to this issue, we have a spread about noted supermodel (for FHM) Kate Upton. If the picture above is anything to go by, Kate Upton wasn’t available and as such they photoshopped this robot mannequin instead. Vogue May is at this rate looking to be covered iconic fashion star Avril Lavigne and will feature centre page stories on innovators of style such as Bai Ling. If Anna Wintour’s true mission here is to sink Vogue so she can jump ship to Harpers, then WELL PLAYED.
In important news HAPPY HOGMANAY! I hope you are totally drunk and reveling in the festivities when you read this message, because this is called a SHIT SANDWICH, in which i wrap some really terrible news in much better news. So as you read this, just remember all of the excitement you’ve felt over the festive season. Kanye West has announced “girlfriend” Kim Kardashian is pregnant with his first child. The part cottage-cheese, part gay-fish hybrid baby is currently growing inside Kim’s satanic womb and we can safely assume that stretch marks are about to be redefined and the founders of Spanx are ready to float an IPO higher than Facebooks with this news. Kanye announced the news on-stage (because he’s a stunt queen) and Khloe Kardashian quickly hit twitter to rant about her excitement saying “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!” Of course Khloe is excited because she’s finally going to have a baby to mother as her own and since she’s the last of her kind, she can pass down her chewbacca traditions. In order to conclude my shit sandwich, I’d like to also say that Chestica Simpson is once again pregnant too, which is just spiffing for ChiChi spotters across the land. Queen of all Chests has already tweeted a picture of her magnificent tittaes and growing bump.
Kim Kardashian is the absolute #1 in A-Game fame whoring. If you told Kim she’d make $30 from selling a range of bottled piss, she’d do it! (and she did!) If you told Kim that she’d be able to get more famous by dating a gay rapper, she’d do it! (and she is!) and if you told Kim that she could play with the heart of an American hero to get a few column inches, she’d do it (And you know where this is going) Popbytes reports that Kim managed to fit her disgusting sausage ass into the above dress to attend the Marine Corps Ball by invitation in much the same way as everyone famous who has a decent heart already did. Kim naturally only stayed until the photos were all basically taken and then she told Sergeant Martin that the publicity was fun and they should do it again sometime if he’s ever in a life-threatening situation that puts her in absolutely no harm, but in which she can save his life. Martin was totally stoked that Kim even showed up, which is pretty sad. Martin is saving the lives of thousands and he wants his date to a ball to be a walking human suppository? Shit Martin, you are better than this! If you wanted Kim Kardashian to attend your ball, why not just get a few sacks of trash, stuff them into some spanx, spray some toilet water on it and throw a MAC counter at it. Get a hooker to rub her genitals all over it, sit an Iphone ontop and download the Baby Speak app and you’ll be good to go.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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