Remember the last time Kim Kardashian was pregnant and it was the hilarious Kanye-Styled media gift that just kept giving? Well shit has not changed. Kim is well into her second pregnancy, because everyone deserves a second chance to bring around the apocalypse if you fail first time round. Attending Khloezilla’s boyfriends birthday party on a boat somewhere, Kim had to follow the dress code of “cumstain white” and something tells me Kanye and the fruity onboard servers had a hand in that dresscode… I mean, she looks fucking ridiculous. Being pregnant makes you sort of look hilarious anyway, but Kim K has the absolute talent of taking pregnancy and making it just hysterical. Only Kim Kardashian would go pregnant onto a BOAT IN FUCKING STIELLTOS. Even disgusting Elder Jenner recognises this bitch is playing and Kanye is also proving to us why he never smiles…because you realise his true age is 94. I live for the fact that Kim gets absolutely huge when she’s pregnant because i have a really fucking sad life and this is all I have to live for now. Fuck you.
So we’ve all seen Kim Kardashian’s naked ass more times that we’ve seen our own asses, that much is true, but Krafty Kim knew this and decided that she’d show us a versatile new side to herself, her naked front! I say a new side, but I mean a side almost all of us have seen already as well. If you’d like to see Kim Kardashian’s nude vagina and titties because you either a. are a disgusting perverted twisted fuck or b. have a morbid curiosity and frequent car crashes then click after the jump… Be prepared for some oily fupa realness
What with all the snubbing of lesser celebs, and flaunting her ass around Europe in couture dresses made for smaller women that Kanye told her to wear anyway, it’s easy to forget that Kim Kardashian started out with a terrible sex tape and then formed a solid, multi-million dollar career by taking her clothes off and looking like a ho 24/7. So thanks to Kim and Paper Magazine for teaming up to produce a December issue that should have a musical accompaniment in the form of “Always Something There to Remind Me” because Kim is always out to remind you why she’s famous – because she’s a fancy porn star! The first image is an “homage” to a Jean-Paul Goude photo in which Kim takes an ass prosthetic, shoves it on her already ridiculous behind and then mounts a champagne glass on it. I mean the champagne immediately turns into acid when it comes in contact with Kim’s ass but as long as it’s in the glass it’s safe. The second image is Kim doing what Kim does best, and by that I mean getting nekkid, oiling her four post-code arse the fuck up, and looking like total trash. One minute shes a fairytale princess and the next minute she’s a broke ass stripper, that Kim, so versatile! To see the second NSFW full ass cover click the jump.
Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
Because the VMA’s are STUNT BITCHES, they took a quick look at their seating chart at the VMAS and decided that it was missing controversy and ratings. As such, they decided to sit Rob Kardashian’s ex, walking std Rita Ora literally four seats away from the bag of rotting cottage cheese known as Kim Kardashian. Given that Kim blame’s Rita for rob spiralling into the fat zone, expect plenty of Kim looking off in the other direction and a lot of Rita being suffocated by Kim’s devious ass. I’m sure this will change in a few days when MTV add Calvin Harris and Any Basketball team in between those tricks for even more SCANDAL and DRAMA, because nothing is worse than having to sit for two hours next to someone you’ve boned. Somewhere the CDC is throwing themselves off a bridge, because by putting Rita and Kim so close together there’s almost certainly a serious hazmat situation going to occur and not nearly enough bleach to burn that shit away.
Since the world has been cursing the Evil Queen of Storybrooke, Anna Wintour’s name ever since her cover for Vogue with Kardashiacant & Kanye was released, we assumed that Anna had fallen under the dark magic of Kim’s cottage cheese ass like so many before her had. Fortunately for us, it wasn’t actually Anna’s idea. According to the Financial Times, it was crazy ass bitch who may-or-may-not be in American Horror Story, Grace Coddington, who decided that Kim Kardashian would be a good call for anything other than moaning about her chemical peels in the voice of a baby prostitute. “There was a wedding story to be done,” she explains. “And Anna probably had them in mind, because she had been seeing a lot of Kanye, so she said, ‘Maybe we should shoot it on lookalikes.’ And I thought, ‘Why not just do it on the real thing? This is Vogue.’ Aside from confirming she is indeed a witch from a tv series by putting Kim Kardashian on the cover of Vogue, Grace was not one to disappoint by adding in a little shady-as-fuck fashion bitchiness to let everyone know she still thinks Kimye are incredibly basic. And I do think Kim Kardashian represents this moment in our culture. I’m fascinated by her, in the same way I’m fascinated by the people I see on the street or the subway.” BWHAHAA. Like any basic bitch on the street. What Grace is saying is she might as well have put the bird lady from Home Alone 2 on the cover of Vogue in a tasteful issue where she would be dressed in turtle doves alone in Central Park. She’s right though, Kim Kardashian does represent a moment in our culture, the moment where we all realized we were doomed as our future...
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