Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
Kelly Brook has joined a long line of celebrities suffering from an extremely dangerous condition named ‘Celebrityitis’ in which they entirely lose touch of reality, usually around the time they forget what the inside of a Tescos looks like. After being attacked by Cosmetic Surgery Royalty Katie Price who called her a big fat whale, Kelly took to journalistic cornerstone OK Magazine to defend herself (because responding to Katie Price is always rational) and in the process exposed the full-blown celebrityitis that she is currently suffering. She said “It’s hard being 33-years-old and still modelling”. Kelly is right, standing around in your pants in beautiful hotels whilst teams of people fawn over you and make you look the best you possibly can must be really really difficult at the ripe old age of 33. Kelly should definitely look at retiring to a much easier way of life, like being a lumberjack, or a brain surgeon. Spare a thought for insanely beautiful and rich celebrities across the land tonight, who have to struggle on with their incredibly difficult jobs of talking about themselves and also smiling sometimes.
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