Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
Since Jennifer Lawrence has the whole new Sandra Bullock thing down, and since Emma Stone has the whole new Julia Roberts thing down, I guess Kayley Cuoco is totally comfortable filling the role of the new Jennifer Aniston – and by that I mean America’s crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who’s doing fine but is still over-sharing some weird stuff anyway. In a new interview with COSMO, Kayley revealed (is there anything left to reveal?) that she had a tit job at 18 years old, and thinks it was a really good choice you guys. She forgot to mention that she also had a nose job, but did add that dating Henry Cavill for 10 days has plagued her ass with the paps, WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT THEY PLANNED TO HAVE HAPPEN, YOU KNOW!! I’m really glad Kayley feels comfortable sharing every detail of her life with us. I know more about Kayley Cuoco than I know about most of my relatives. I can probably tell you where she keeps her tampons and what brand she has to compliment her cervix shape. Just in-case you didn’t know this, Kayley Cuoco moved in her husband, whom she married after six months, oh, you know, the DAY AFTER THEY MET. She later got married in a big pink wedding dress and did a make-up tutorial from her wedding day. As you do.
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