Tag Archives: Kate Upton

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
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Hollywood shocked to learn women exist.

(Hollywood, CA.) Studio executives are reeling this weekend after the Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann lead comedy The Other Woman is on track to top the box-office with an opening weekend almost $10 Million higher than expected. Executives, who’s selective amnesia of the success of female lead comedies is certainly not limited to Bridesmaids, Mamma Mia!, 13 Going on 30, Sister Act,  9 to 5, Death Becomes Her, The Proposal, The Devil Wears Prada, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Two Weeks Notice,  Bad Teacher, Pitch Perfect, Juno, Mean Girls, The Heat, Frozen, and Gravity (because George Clooney as an astronaut, amirite?)  dropped their bags of cocaine this weekend in shock in realization that an entire other gender exists. Despite Hollywood’s concerted efforts to stop the production of a female lead comedy this summer, and then casting the incredibly talented thespian Nicki Minaj in order to presumably have the production sanctioned by local appropriateness laws, the film slipped through the net and went on to gross around $27 Million at the box office this weekend. ‘We really thought the mediocre marketing efforts we made along with the stunt casting of a talentless model in leading role instead of an actual actress  would have put people off, but I guess women will watch any old shit we feed em.” said one surprised exec. The film, which apparently makes men’s skin melt off, played well with women aged 18 to desperate-for-anything-that-acknowledges-their-existence, and despite piss poor reviews women attended en masse. Of course as with all successful films featuring women, the studio was sure to make the central focus about a man. ‘We were really unsure about letting a bunch of women get together and do things like act or think for themselves and knew that wouldn’t test well with the four people in the studio who make all...
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Times must be hard at Vogue

Times must be tough for Vogue because instead of a human female who is only a missed meal of a single pea away from dying they’ve placed Kim and Kanye on the cover at last. I say at last because Kanye probably had to go straight to the molten seat of the devil in hell and personally beg his ass to be on the cover of Vogue for the souls of everyone in his bloodline. The devil was still like “Hmmm.NOPE” so Kanye had to throw in the Kuntrashians too. The Devil was still unconvinced as who wants the stinky nasty souls of those vapid fame-whores, but when Kanye threw in his entire collection of winterwear to the deal it became a goer. I see that Vogue’s old friend Photoshop was not one to rest when it realized it had to not only airbrush beauty in, but also airbrush trashiness out. Nice try, Photoshop but no beuno! This picture is kind of wrong because surely Kanye should have his hands up Kim’s ass to play her like the vicarious puppet she is for him. Kanye can’t wear pretty dresses, but KIM CAN. In addition to the HIGH FASHION that Kim and Kanye are bringing to this issue, we have a spread about noted supermodel (for FHM) Kate Upton.  If the picture above is anything to go by, Kate Upton wasn’t available and as such they photoshopped this robot mannequin instead. Vogue May is at this rate looking to be covered iconic fashion star Avril Lavigne and will feature centre page stories on innovators of style such as Bai Ling. If Anna Wintour’s true mission here is to sink Vogue so she can jump ship to Harpers, then WELL PLAYED.
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