Tag Archives: Jennifer Lopez


Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

So this year’s Oscar race is already over before it started. Super talented actress, talented actress, actress, singer, human person Jennifer Lopez is the Matthew McConaughey of the year. No she didn’t lose 100 pounds, no she didn’t do any method acting shit, and no, she didn’t put on any latex prosthetics. But what she did do is give the fanciest $30,000 caramel blow-out wig straight out of Falcon’s Crest’s “Too Exquisite to Wear” pile a loving home in “The Boy Next Door” trailer. In the trailer J.Lo serves us up some “Beyonce in Obsessed“ realness,  except Jennifer Lopez plays a potential pedophile who instead of being a social menace, is sexy and hot because shes a LADY pedophile. In addition to this small detail that is brushed aside almost immediately, J.Lo brings that little La Lopez magic by doing the following 1. J.Lo say’s ridiculous things, such as “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time” in response to a compliment about her looks – because she’s such a disgusting, dowdy old maid and no one finds her attractive any more. 2. J.Lo ONLY sits in soft, glamorous lighting, because this movie definitely isn’t “ENOUGH”. If you thought you were going to get a gritty, compelling thriller, then the fact it’s clearly been shot on the old Desperate Housewives set should put you straight. 3. J.Lo looks all suspicious and scared when her teenage lover makes stand-up comic worthy implications that he boned her in-front of her family. And by looking suspicious and scared I mean she looks like a German Shepherd in a sweater taking a shit whilst his owner calls him to hurry up. 4. And finally, J.Lo dresses like she’s in the 70’s for the entire movie. Because why the fuck not, mustard is a lifestyle, people!! There’s a lot of...
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Charlize Theron is a bitch according to Tia Mowry and everyone.

You may have heard that working with Nicole Kidman is kind of like working with a big block of ice and that working with Jennifer Lopez is as much fun as sawing your dick off with a rusty knife, but did you know that Charlize Theron also has an impressive repertoire of rumours about her being a giant raging asshole? Well reputable source for anyone born in the 80s known as Tia Mowry from Sister Sister mentioned that when she was at the Hollywood concentration camp known as SoulCycle a few weeks ago she said “Hi” to Charlize and Charlize basically showed everyone why there was no other choice in the casting process for the evil queen in Snow White and the Hunt for KStew’s Acting Abilities. Tia said that Charlize served her a mocha frappe of ice cold cunt. Apparently, Charlize took one look at her, obviously forgot that Tia Mowry is a LEGEND and rolled her eyes groaning “Oh GOD” to her best friend and personal confidante  InTouch Weekly. Since then, Charlize naturally took the news well, and spent some time reflecting over how she can be a better person in a buddhist retreat for a few weeks. Except of course that didn’t happen. Charlize instead went to the managers of SoulCycle and pulled some “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM????” shit. Charlize demanded the managers bump Tia out of SoulCycle and they were for none of it. “Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back,” a SoulCycle insider revealed. When the manager refused, Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen.” The source claims the Oscar winner also said, “This nobody who was famous for a...
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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner ruin each others friendships.

Because the trundling marriage  cart of Bennifer 2 is careering down to the messy end of its road, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck both appear to be engaging in that age old game of being 14 and having former friends accuse the other’s piece of being weird and controlling. A few weeks ago 13 Going on 30 co-star Marc Ruffalo reminded us of a time when Jennifer Garner seemed poised to not star in endlessly terrible films. Marc said he was pretty good buddies with Jennifer Garner back then but when Ben Affleck got serious with Jennifer, Marc was handed a pink slip with the imprint of a butt-chin on it, and that is how it feels to be told ” BYE, BITCH” by Ben Affleck. At Comic-Con this weekend,  Ben’s old friend Kevin Smith who you might remember starred in a movie opposite Jennifer Garner has now got something to say about why he is no longer in the inner circle. When recently asked why he is no longer nuzzling in Ben’s soft butt chin, Kevin said. “Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades….That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.” Apparently in a 2009 interview Kevin added “Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know,...
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Jennifer Lopez is going to be at the world cup after all

So Jennifer Lopez obviously got her demands to sing to a track, have a dressing room filled with hundreds of Brazilian sweatshop children to massage her feet and fan her with the mist of San Pellegrino and about 3.5 minutes total rehearsal time, because bitch played hard ball with the World Cup people and won. Associated Press reports Jennifer Lopez said in an interview with The Associated Press that she is flying to Brazil on Tuesday night to perform during the tournament’s opening ceremony on Thursday. “I’m coming. I leave tonight. We always were going,” she said. “I think people get anxious, especially with me and my schedule when I’m like, ‘Ah, OK, I can leave this day, that day, I don’t know if we can make it.'” “People get nervous and I think it was a little bit premature to announce anything,” she said. “But we are definitely going.” ‘I think it was a little bit premature to announce anything’ is J.Lo’s way of saying ‘Those bitches should have shut their pie holes and paid up, and now they’ve cornered my ass to take two hundred grand less than I wanted, but fuck it, a dollar is a dollar.’ J.Lo initially was reported to have dropped out of the opening of the world cup due to “Production issues” which means that the Orchids were not the right colour, from the right tropical island nation and cut by the right underpaid child labourer. Only J.Lo can be so brash as to get into  negotiations for the opportunity to perform in front of the billion people that will be watching the World Cup kickoff . If you would like to see Jennifer Lopez lip-sync and uncomfortably grind against Pitbull then the World Cup then that shit goes down tomorrow night, and...
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Let us not forget the true #1 star Jennifer

So whilst we are all salivating over every fart, fall and queef Jennifer Lawrence shares with us because she’s just like us (Okay I do love J.Law so I’m falling for that shit too) I would like to remind the general public that a Jennifer is not just for Christmas, she’s for life. Unfortunately this means we can’t put J.Lo out to pasture, but fortunately it means every few months we get Jennifer Garner releasing a middling ass movie made largely because she’s Jennifer Garner, and despite the fact that the best work she did ended a little under a decade ago now – she’s still Jennifer Garner, charming, beautiful, incandescent Jennifer Garner. Jennifer Garner was on Jimmy Fallon right now promoting a movie or something and she must have literally just had some Affleck dick before she went on-air as she was super extra perky and charming. In-front of a TV somewhere, Jennifer Esposito, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Connelly are eating ice-cream watching this interview and planning to Craft all the A-List Jennifers. Obviously Love-Hewitt would be the scary lesbian one. Seriously though, Jennifer should just not even bother with movies any more and just go on talk shows to talk. That’s pretty much what she gets employed for at this stage right? Since shes usually a supporting cast member with nothing to do. Like how many movies have a I seen with Jennifer Garner now where I’ve thought the following A. This role is not right for her. B. She is really pretty. C. She’s the best thing about this movie, and all she’s done is smile and cry three times, I don’t actually think she’s had a line yet. D. I wish Alias was still on.
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J.Lo is a feminist icon who keeps it real.

Because it wouldn’t be a Jennifer Lopez music video without a megaphone screaming at you that she definitely and categorically keeps it ‘real’, the video for her new song “I Love Your Puppy” aka “I Luh Ya PaPi” (title was not written by a dyslexic teenager?) J.Lo had to involve two cackling bronx latina sterotypes who might have well have just been Ana Ortiz from Ugly Betty but she probably didn’t have the budget. What makes this video HEE LARRRREEEE EOUS is that J.Lo tries to masquerade as a feminist icon when she decides its time to objectify men in a music video ‘for a change’ and then appears in the video as such. She’s really showing us that she’s the HBIC! And we have definitely never, ever, ever seen men objectified in music videos before. Thanks J.Lo, for breaking new ground with a song about puppies.      
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