Tag Archives: Jennifer Lopez

Mimi is headed to Vegas

Because the snowy hills of Aspen are only a seasonal dalliance for Empress of the Butterflies Mariah Carey, she has to find something to do with her time for the rest of the year. For a while, visiting the HSN to sell moments was enough for Mimi. And then, murdering some classics on live TV worked for her, but Mimi has heard the beacon call of a million emperor butterflies suddenly flocking towards a desert oasis and she must heed their calls as their iconic leader. Yes, that’s right – Mimi’s true calling as a Vegas showgirl has finally arrived. Mimz revealed to Ellen that she is going to do a residency in Caesars Palace with all the glee of someone who just  realized they are going to take a six hour car journey with an IBS sufferer. Glamour moments abound. High slit dresses totally appropriate here. Vegas is effectively what Mariah Carey was made for as it allows her to do two of her favourite things in the world. Make a ludicrous amount of money and look like a 12 year olds glitter glue painting of an adult female whilst she does so. Mimi is expected to at least match Celine and Britney’s huge $475k-per-gig payday for her stint at Caesars Palace, where she’s due to take over from on hiatus Celine and departing Shania. I hope Caesars know what they’ve let themselves in for. Celine may have demanded saline drip nasal solution and room humidifiers, but Mariah will insist on her entire dressing room complex being decked out to be an indoor jungle botantical garden filled with the rarest butterflies from every corner of the globe.  Where Celine might have asked for white flowers, Mariah will ask for fresh lillies flown in from the pristine jungles of the Seychelles every...
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Jennifer Lopez looks really really good.

So Hennifer Hopez looks pretty amazing.   I am hungover so look at these pictures of her cleavage and give me a break, OK?! Everything is loud and obnoxious to me right now so maybe that’s why I’m okay with Hennifer today. H.Ho is like 45 or some mess and that shit is impressive! To have titties that stay up themselves like that at 45 naturally almost seems impossible, but everyone knows celebrities have superhuman bodies so whatever you guys. J.lo probably says she stays young by drinking a lot of water and doing pliates, but bitch stays young by attending midnight cult sacrifice parties at Pitbull’s house and that shit is fact! You know if there’s any fucker running a cult in Hollywood, it’s Pitbull. Or Andrew Keegan. Yeah….
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Britney Spears wants you to know she’s worth more than J.Lo

Since both Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez are artists dedicated to the craft of making music that touches people, changes opinions and acts as a reflection of the delicate human psyche using the creative use of sonic textures and emotional hooks, it would seem surprising that either artist would care even a shred about stupid material stuff like power or money. However, Britney’s management got wind of the story that The Crown Princess of Frapps would be making less money than Hennifer Hopez if she took over from Brit in Vegas, and those hos went straight to TMZ to tell them that Chester Cheeto’s girlfriend is worth way more than that dahllling. If there’s one way to piss Britney Spears’ team off its to act like they are not miking Britney for every single shiny dime she is worth. When Britney dies, her management of her estate will constantly say she’s making more dead that Michael Jackson and that is a fact. Britney Spears Inc. said yes, Brit originally signed to do 96 shows in Vegas over two years for $29.76 million, or $310k per show. Which is tidy money. However, they claimed that Planet Hollywood were so pleased with the record ticket sales for Britney that they grabbed PH by the nutsack, saying that if they wanted Britney to up her show count to 140 over the 2 years then those hos would have to chuck a revised $475k per-fucking-show into her bank. Planet Hollywood ate shit and said yes, and now Britney makes just $1k less than Vegas’ highest earner SALEEN DEEON IN A KAYAK . She’s walking home with over $1 Million in her personal account alone per week after all deductions. In Britney terms, that is a lot of trips to target and ugly antique mirrors. What the bottom line that...
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Jennifer Lopez to take over from Britney in Vegas

Looks like Britney Spears will not be building herself a cheeto palace in Vegas to retire to a bath of fraps every night after all. TMZ is reporting that latina pop sensation and Eric Cartman’s right hand Hennifer Hopez is closing on a deal to take over from Britney once she’s finished her residency, and J.Lo will get $40k more per show. Like that makes total sense to me, except for the whole part about Jennifer Lopez having only headlined one tour ever. Worse still, said tour grossed even less than Brit Brit’s Groupon twofer event spectacular known as the Femme Fatall-i-wanna-do-is-have-a-seat Tour. It also made not even half of Britney’s “Circus” tour gross. I mean, Jennifer Lopez is not someone you go and see. Jennifer Lopez is someone American Idol subjects you to because celebrity culture is the worst. This is a woman who has had five, maybe six solid hits in her career and the rest is like “Oh yeah, i forgot she recorded all of those other songs about being real”. Britney Spears has the gays. If those Vegas hos think it’s just drunk gamblers who’ve helped Frostie von Frap sell out almost all of her shows then THEY GOT IT WRONG. The gays have travelled far and wide to see Britney again and again. And what is that bitch going to do for her entire discography, because everything she’s ever recorded has been Jennifer Lopez FT.!? She can’t move Pitbull in, can she? She’s not going to get LL Cool J on board, is she? Iggy Azelea isn’t going to come and touch her ass every night, IS SHE?! According to TMZ,  J.Lo will take over lip-syncing duties to not sing through 72 shows over 2 years for $26.4 Million rather than Brit Brit’s 96 shows for $29.8 Million, so...
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Jennifer Lopez thinks her ass is a feminist.

Jennifer Lopez is the most important singer, actress and reality tv show judge of a generation, so it comes as no surprise that J.Lo keeps the levels of delusion low low low on a new interview regarding the hardcore pornography advertisement for tag-team escorting services known as her Booty music video. In an interview with Yahoo!, J.Lo said the video is really important for women, because nothing stands up for women’s rights to be women at ANY age than shaking your womanly ass against another woman’s. She went on to say that once you become an old dame after turning 28, then you don’t have to go and kill yourself – instead you should allow yourself to grow old gracefully by accepting that with age comes wisdom, maturity and a new kind of sophisticated beauty. Except not really. “This is good for women,” she insisted. “You have to know that you don’t disappear after you’re 28 years old. You can be here, you can be vital and young and sexy and feel good about yourself.”  So incase there was any confusion that Jennifer Lopez went to The Mimi & Madonna School of Never Ageing where she majored in “Grabbing onto youth with your muscular, sinewy claw-like spider arms” and minored in “heavily Photo-shopping out the truth” then there you have it. And of course Booty  is really a feminist anthem! That’s why J.Lo cut Pitbull from the record. Not because Pitbull is this close to appearances on the East Hill Mall commercials, but rather because Iggy Azelea is another strong feminist voice! Yeah! GIRL POWER etc! (and definitely not focus group record label pairings).  I can’t wait to hear what Annie Lennox has to say about J.Lo and her empowering ass, though I suspect Annie Lennox only just realized Beyonce wasn’t a cartoon character...
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Here’s Jennifer Lopez’s ass again, because single sales.

As it is now mandatory to sing songs about asses, be a prostitute and give Iggy Azelea a third of your song, Jennifer Lopez decided to tick all of the above boxes in her video for “Booty“, an inspiring and emotional anthem about asses being big. The unfortunate part of this video is that Jennifer Lopez is no longer a CURVY LATINA MAMA SALAS CONCHITA, she is now more muscular than Chyna’s clit and her ass looks like a teeny weeny next to all of the fat implanted asses we are seeing every damn day half naked at the VMA’s.  Because J.Lo knows she’s built like She-Ra now, she opted to get creative and cover her ass in maple syrup whilst she applies lip balm. The target demographic for lip balm are widely known to appreciate maple syrup too so this is just another great example of J.Lo’s conglomerate mind at work. At this stage Iggy Azelea is kind of like wallpaper. Wallpaper from White Chicks with a huge ass, but wallpaper nonetheless.
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