Tag Archives: Jennifer Lawrence

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
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Jennifer Lawrence goes to skanky house parties in Dulwich

In groundbreaking news for the citizens of Dulwich, international Oscar winning actress Jennifer Lawrence and that kid from About A Boy whom Bryan Singer casts in everything (Awkwarddddd) were pictured in Dulwich going to a house party in hoodies. Dulwich is best known for absolutely nothing at all other than being the place its a total arse-ache to have a house party in UNLESS  ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THERE. When my friends invite me to a house party in Dulwich im always mysteriously busy doing things such as ‘nothing much’ and ‘not-a-lot’. J.Law must have wondered what fucking twilight zone of south london she had walked into, and if there was any way to get back to that city thousands of miles away with that magical place called Waterloo Station. Americans in London are scientifically proven to only be able to process four square feet total of the city before getting fucking lost and panicking if they can’t see a landmark, so J.Law must have though Nicholas had taken her to the country. Unless you count Dulwich college as a landmark, which I don’t. Now call me wild, but I have never been to a mates house party in London where the dresscode is ‘Trampy’ or ‘Hoodies and trackies with shit all over them’ unless its a bong party and we will be toking up to Spongebob. House parties are still parties,  so unless you are there for drugs or to visit your bogan cousin, then throw on a fucking blazer! Also, how the fuck did the Paps find out that Jennifer Lawrence was going to some trampy house party in Dulwich?  It’s not like the paparazzi have a stake out in Dulwich for all the HOT clubs and A+ List celebs. The possibilities then, A. Her agent tipped them off. Now she seems real and down to earth…again....
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Let us not forget the true #1 star Jennifer

So whilst we are all salivating over every fart, fall and queef Jennifer Lawrence shares with us because she’s just like us (Okay I do love J.Law so I’m falling for that shit too) I would like to remind the general public that a Jennifer is not just for Christmas, she’s for life. Unfortunately this means we can’t put J.Lo out to pasture, but fortunately it means every few months we get Jennifer Garner releasing a middling ass movie made largely because she’s Jennifer Garner, and despite the fact that the best work she did ended a little under a decade ago now – she’s still Jennifer Garner, charming, beautiful, incandescent Jennifer Garner. Jennifer Garner was on Jimmy Fallon right now promoting a movie or something and she must have literally just had some Affleck dick before she went on-air as she was super extra perky and charming. In-front of a TV somewhere, Jennifer Esposito, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Connelly are eating ice-cream watching this interview and planning to Craft all the A-List Jennifers. Obviously Love-Hewitt would be the scary lesbian one. Seriously though, Jennifer should just not even bother with movies any more and just go on talk shows to talk. That’s pretty much what she gets employed for at this stage right? Since shes usually a supporting cast member with nothing to do. Like how many movies have a I seen with Jennifer Garner now where I’ve thought the following A. This role is not right for her. B. She is really pretty. C. She’s the best thing about this movie, and all she’s done is smile and cry three times, I don’t actually think she’s had a line yet. D. I wish Alias was still on.
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The Hunger Games: Catching Fire causes widespread lounge arguments.

  The Hunger Games: Catching Fire starring Your Best Friend, has finally arrived on DVD and home video – and it’s already causing huge household drama for families across America. Including yours. Like, you totally NEED to get out of there because everyone is being super unreasonable and not listening to your point of view. Reports say that the undertones and allegories of the movies have finally become clear to families  who just saw the first one as “a bit of fun” . “I couldn’t believe the Hunger Games was essentially a thinly masked debate and statement on society. It’s about a choice…a message of having the choose between a dark haired, handsome supermodel – or a dirty blonde average looking boy.” said Debbie Jones, 14. Debbie’s household has been in an uproar since watching the film on Saturday night with, Debbie says “Some shitty popcorn dad always buys from a discounter.” Debbie was insistent that the poor quality of the popcorn further soured an already traumatic film night. “I wish we’d never bought The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” said Debbie’s dad, Andrew as he aggressively stirred his coffee. “I mean, we all enjoyed the first one as a family, but I guess we didn’t really think about what the film was forcing upon us back then….like I just thought it was clear that Peeta was the one you’d go with – he’s really kind and sensitive  and he has that dreamy smile, I bet his skin is supple and soft too…. but the women in my family disagreed” Peeta or Gale, it’s the eternal question which continues to ruin lives across America. There was reportedly widespread eye-rolling and deep division over breakfast the next morning in the Jones household, and so deep the rift is that mother Sarah Jones...
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The Oscars 2013: Jennifer Lawrence fell on her face

So basically Jennifer Lawrence is amazing and brilliant and we all love her, we really really love her. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kristen Stewart is seething furious over the career she thought she’d have but Jennifer Lawrence got instead. But Kristen got the cackliest Maleficient cackle in yesterday when Jennifer won Best Actress at The Oscars. As J.Law went up to get a Best Actress Oscar at the ripe old age of 22 she fell flat on her motherfuckin face! Coming just weeks after her dress fell apart at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, someone needs to sit Jennifer’s stylist down and tell her ass that she needs to wear Diane Keaton’s cast-off pant suits at all times. In other Oscar news, not much surprising happened anywhere, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress in the biggest surprise to no one ever and least of all Anne Hathaway’s mirror, to which she’d practiced this speech since she could first speak. Ben Affleck basically called his marriage “work” in accepting Best Picture for Argo. Just to remind you, his wife looks like this… Yeah dude, you’ll never be just like us when your wife is Jennifer Garner. I’m happy for these two though, because if anyones deserving of Hollywood Royalty status is not those two squished tampons Brangelina, it’s these regular down to earth farmers market loving freaks. Sure Ben’s probably cheated on Jen more times than you can shake everything at, and she deserves better than Blake Lively but at the end of the day I still like them together. Daniel Day Lewis became the first actor to win the Best Actor statue three times and people are now calling him the male Meryl Streep, to which Meryl Streep had 0 singular fucks to give as she was too busy wearing Las Vegas...
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