So whilst we are all salivating over every fart, fall and queef Jennifer Lawrence shares with us because she’s just like us (Okay I do love J.Law so I’m falling for that shit too) I would like to remind the general public that a Jennifer is not just for Christmas, she’s for life. Unfortunately this means we can’t put J.Lo out to pasture, but fortunately it means every few months we get Jennifer Garner releasing a middling ass movie made largely because she’s Jennifer Garner, and despite the fact that the best work she did ended a little under a decade ago now – she’s still Jennifer Garner, charming, beautiful, incandescent Jennifer Garner. Jennifer Garner was on Jimmy Fallon right now promoting a movie or something and she must have literally just had some Affleck dick before she went on-air as she was super extra perky and charming. In-front of a TV somewhere, Jennifer Esposito, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Connelly are eating ice-cream watching this interview and planning to Craft all the A-List Jennifers. Obviously Love-Hewitt would be the scary lesbian one. Seriously though, Jennifer should just not even bother with movies any more and just go on talk shows to talk. That’s pretty much what she gets employed for at this stage right? Since shes usually a supporting cast member with nothing to do. Like how many movies have a I seen with Jennifer Garner now where I’ve thought the following A. This role is not right for her. B. She is really pretty. C. She’s the best thing about this movie, and all she’s done is smile and cry three times, I don’t actually think she’s had a line yet. D. I wish Alias was still on.
Let’s be clear about this here, Jennifer Garner could turn up in a trash bag and still look amazing. Jennifer Garner could turn up wearing a corpse and look fantastic. Jennifer Garner is Sydney Fuckin Bristow, if there was one role that required you to make even the trashiest shit look wonderful it was that one. So no surprise that Jennifer Garner made a jumpsuit something that is not tacky and hideous at the Draft Day première. I mean, not many women aged 41 can rock a black jumpsuit, but Jennifer Garner does. And in addition to that shit, its Max Mara, which of course Jennifer is the “brand ambassador” for (aka they are paying her a LAHT OF MONEY TO WEAR THIS). What we can say for certain is that Jennifer Garner is giving some serious face lately. Like, she is looking super fuckin hot. Her hair is on ombre-point and she is ageing exceptionally well. Images: Jen-Garner.net Sure, Draft Day looks like it will be the latest piece of shit in Jennifer Garner’s illustrious career of squandering her talents on piss-poor scripts, but hey – at least she was good in Dallas Buyers Club, right? No matter. Alias was a good enough show to give Jennifer Garner a “Get out of Jail Free” card for life. Plus im not going to lie when I say 13 Going on 30 is kind of amazing. Long Live Jen G
Jennifer Garner is probably best known for her starring role in ABC’s “Alias” but she’s grown even more famous since marrying Hollywood actor Ben Affleck, to become one half of the most down to earth power-couples in the celebrity scene. Find loads of new pictures of Jennifer as used by LA Deli here. Jennifer Garner Gallery
Jennifer Garner’s custom made Gucci dress for the 2013 Academy Awards handed each and every other dress their ass on a dress platter to become the one dress to rule them all, according to AdWeek which monitors social media chit chat over the Oscars. Amy Adams’ fugly swan Oscar De La Renta affair was also most talked about, but probably because people were overwhelmingly calling the outfit fug as fuck. Closely followed by Anne Hathaway’s nipple parade in Prada and Jennifer Lawrence’s pretty flawless effort in Dior Fugly Swan brought to you by Amy Adams
So basically Jennifer Lawrence is amazing and brilliant and we all love her, we really really love her. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kristen Stewart is seething furious over the career she thought she’d have but Jennifer Lawrence got instead. But Kristen got the cackliest Maleficient cackle in yesterday when Jennifer won Best Actress at The Oscars. As J.Law went up to get a Best Actress Oscar at the ripe old age of 22 she fell flat on her motherfuckin face! Coming just weeks after her dress fell apart at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, someone needs to sit Jennifer’s stylist down and tell her ass that she needs to wear Diane Keaton’s cast-off pant suits at all times. In other Oscar news, not much surprising happened anywhere, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress in the biggest surprise to no one ever and least of all Anne Hathaway’s mirror, to which she’d practiced this speech since she could first speak. Ben Affleck basically called his marriage “work” in accepting Best Picture for Argo. Just to remind you, his wife looks like this… Yeah dude, you’ll never be just like us when your wife is Jennifer Garner. I’m happy for these two though, because if anyones deserving of Hollywood Royalty status is not those two squished tampons Brangelina, it’s these regular down to earth farmers market loving freaks. Sure Ben’s probably cheated on Jen more times than you can shake everything at, and she deserves better than Blake Lively but at the end of the day I still like them together. Daniel Day Lewis became the first actor to win the Best Actor statue three times and people are now calling him the male Meryl Streep, to which Meryl Streep had 0 singular fucks to give as she was too busy wearing Las Vegas...
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.