In a breakup, there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners. The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken. Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous. The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway. And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having...
So it’s been a long time since we updated LA Deli, and you might think that’s because Perez Hilton broke the site with his general being since he was the last thing we wrote about. I mean, it’s not like there’s been a shortage of shit going down. Bennifer / true love are over, Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner and, most importantly, internationally renowned music superstar uber-sensation Heidi Montag remains as elusive as she is demure and keeps fans around the world waiting for her hot new beat to drop. So, there should really be no excuse for me to not pick up and write about something really exciting and interesting, but you’ll be happy to know that Hollywood is quiet and no one is doing anything. This is definitely not my way of secretly shirking out of writing about some Kardashian stories or having to talk about the STILL TOO RAW Bennifer collapse. It’s also not my way of saying that I am too lazy to talk any more about anyone on the Daily Mail sidebar of shame. Nope. It’s really just an opportunity for me to remind you what classic gems LA Deli’s Youtube channel brought you so that I don’t have to do anything. Did you know we have nearly a million views on Youtube? If each of those people gave me a handjob i’d have incredibly painful friction burns and probably be in jail. Food for thought.
At last, TMZ’s disgusting photographers are finally good for something other than helping me maintain the staff office chart of Britney’s favourite frapps. The paps caught Jennifer Garner, Victor Garber and J.J Abrams meeting up for dinner in L.A last night. You might also know these three as Sydney Bristow, Jack Bristow and the dude who made Jack and Sydney Bristow. I prefer to call them The Holy Trinity of Television. Anyway having dinner individually is really not that big of a deal, but these three having dinner together sends off a CODE RED WIG alarm at the FFAR (Fans For Alias Reboot) headquarters. If that shit went down i’d hope it wouldn’t be as bad as that messy “24” reboot. An Alias reunion would mark the end of my life on this planet because as soon as that shit is done I would have no reason to live, and/or any hopes or dreams to follow any more. Apparently, when a TMZ ratface asked JJ if Sydney Bristow would be coming back he replied with only “Haha, You’ll have to ask Jen!” And then they all got in the same car and drove off to whatever dark voodoo arts place they have to toy with all of my emotions and general mental well being. If Lena Olin and Bradley Cooper had attended, well, let’s not because I’m not feeling so great and I’m scared incase I give myself a heart condition so.
When you turn up to a movie premiere with Jennifer Garner things that might be appropriate to wear include but are not limited to – a tuxedo, a three piece suit, a blazer and smart jeans (if its a romcom) and a neatly tucked shirt with the right trousers. Things that you probably shouldn’t wear? The uniform of a 74 year old golfer from Florida. Especially if you have enough in the bank to buy Florida. Adam Sandler didn’t get the memo. Adam Sandler turned up to a premiere in his fucking sneakers with the laces undone. It’s like Adam decided to be the posterboy for “Tired” and “No fucks left to give” campaigns at the premiere, so much so it just sort of looks like Adam Sandler is a displeased audience member for the premiere of “Men, Women & Children” who doesn’t give a fuck about famous people, so kind of like everyone from Florida then. Of course this movie looks super boring, and that should be no surprise to anyone since the last fun Jennifer Garner film to have been made was 10 years ago now.
Okay so there’s only so many more ice bucket challenge videos I can post before this blog becomes “ICE BUCKET CHALLENGES BLOG” so i’m going to keep that shit in check, but here’s a cute video of Buttchin Batman tackling Jennifer Garner after she chucks a bucket of ice over his head. This family is everything.
Because the trundling marriage cart of Bennifer 2 is careering down to the messy end of its road, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck both appear to be engaging in that age old game of being 14 and having former friends accuse the other’s piece of being weird and controlling. A few weeks ago 13 Going on 30 co-star Marc Ruffalo reminded us of a time when Jennifer Garner seemed poised to not star in endlessly terrible films. Marc said he was pretty good buddies with Jennifer Garner back then but when Ben Affleck got serious with Jennifer, Marc was handed a pink slip with the imprint of a butt-chin on it, and that is how it feels to be told ” BYE, BITCH” by Ben Affleck. At Comic-Con this weekend, Ben’s old friend Kevin Smith who you might remember starred in a movie opposite Jennifer Garner has now got something to say about why he is no longer in the inner circle. When recently asked why he is no longer nuzzling in Ben’s soft butt chin, Kevin said. “Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades….That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.” Apparently in a 2009 interview Kevin added “Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know,...
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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