Tag Archives: Hilary Duff


So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
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Hilary Duff’s “All About You” has leaked.

I once knew a dude who was hugely into Hilary Duff. It was totally fucking weird. I mean, Hilary Duff was for 8 year old girls and he was a man of a certain age. I was concerned about this.  I don’t know exactly what happened to him, he’s probably in a maximum security prison now. I do however know what happened to Hilary Duff and no, she’s not off winning the Grand National. Hilary’s musical comeback got off to an ambien induced coma of a start when she released that used condom on the beach-eseque recycled mess known as “Chasing the Sun” which may as well have been titled “Chasin a top 90 on the Billboard Hot 100” and so, with Norah Jones popping her song on for an early night over a Horlicks,  she rush-released the second single from her upcoming album. It was a good move. Duff to me is kind of like the human walking version of The Hills. When The Hills was still on I would scoff at those trolls and even though I watched that shit religiously, by the time it got cancelled I was like “Thank fuck for that!”  But now that we have Jersey Shore, The Kuntrashians, and whatever MTV UK finds on a pavement on television,  looking back at The Hills suddenly feels like a warm nostalgic journey to simpler times to gentle Sarah McLachlan music during a cold winter’s night. Simpler times in terms of Hilary Duff is a popstar who didnt feel like patting her vagina vigorously like it had just ignited was course for par in a stage show. There’s something sweet and disarming about her musical comeback that feels like it’s a welcome reprise from the absolute relentlessness of EDM trash that is top 40 now. Hilary Duff is sort of like a...
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Hilary Duff is back with new music.

Remember Hilary Duff? I remember photoshopping Hilary Duff’s giant horse teefs onto a can of horse beans and animating it’s arms all in the name of HIGH HUMOUR for this website before. This fact reminds me how many hours of perfectly usable life I have wasted on entirely useless celebrities, and it feels great you guys. Anywayyyy Hilary Duff is back from the grave of irrelevance (other residents: Jewel, Melissa Joan-Hart, Tia and Tamara) in order to give the public what we’ve all been waiting for, new music! Of course, by “the public” I mean four very specific gay men who live in Ohio. Those four husky twinks are wearing their Metamorphosis Album tank tops tonight in celebration of the return of true pop diva/legend/person who can almost sing Hilary Duff. Hilary has released her new summer jam “Chasing the Sun”  (Listen Here) which, if you don’t want to fall into a coma, sounds- and I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – like a shittier, less fun version of “Stars are Blind” by Parasite Hilton. Yup, definitely going to hell now. I just don’t understand why Hilary couldn’t come up with writing something more personal than this shitty Colbie Callait phone in. For example a song about Carrots and Sugarcubes. Carrots&Cubes could have been the hottest summer jam of the year. I’m not going to lie. My life got a little less rich when Hilary Duff sawed her teeth back down to human size.      
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Calling Hilary Duff an angry pony would be too simple. Too easy. But its 11.30pm and i have had a busy day, so that’ll do, horsey. That’ll do. (Source: http://www.youtube.com/)
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