As we’ve already documented, Hollywood is full of greedy-ass executives who will do anything to make a dollar. This includes splitting the shortest and shittiest instalment of ‘The Hunger Games’ trilogy into a two parter. Despite that decisions leading to a cooler critical and audience response, ‘Mockingjay – Part One’ had the odds stacked in it’s favour as it became 2014’s biggest movie today. With just shy of $332 Million in the bank, Mockingjay snuck past ‘The Guardians of the Galaxy’ to become the top grossing film of the year. Given that ‘Catching Fire’ was last year’s biggest picture, the franchise stands a good chance of three-peating it’s reign if Mockingjay – Part Two can push over the $400 Million mark in 2015. Of course, these are only domestic gross figures. Internationally, 2014 was Frozen’s to own. This year’s global chart will see Mockingjay end up as only the third or fourth largest pic of the year, depending on results from the upcoming key China release. Japan is unlikely to contribute much, but with a holiday release in its favour, the pic could gross up to $50 Million from China alone. Still, Disney is unlikely to be worried. Frozen continued to gross well into 2014 with multiple theatrical re-releases, a record-breaking run on DVD and a soundtrack that became the biggest music release of the year. They also knocked it out of the park with the perfectly marketed breakout Maleficient (sealing the deal for Angie as a screen icon) and Marvel proved its on-going value as a smart acquisition, delivering a double whammy of Captain America: Winter Soldier and Guardians of the Galaxy. As Big Hero 6 performed admirably and with Into the Woods still climbing, Disney has had another stellar year.
Internationally respected philosopher, box office analyst and visionary Megan Fox was right again. She recently foretold that audiences would flock to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because they were dumb enough to also go see Transformers 4. (Before pulling that classic Audrey Hepburn elegance trick of telling her audience to “fuck off” if they hate the film). Megan’s solid logic and Nostradamus brain turned out to be 100% right as per usual. Despite horrible reviews and poor response, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opened on top of the box office on Friday night. TMNT is currently on track to open to around $62-65 Million after a very strong Friday night of teenage boys with erections. When a rational adult sees a movie poster featuring Megan Fox they generally perceive the movie as being “bad”, “poorly plotted” and “probably as fun as throwing acid on my dick”. But when teenage boys see Megan Fox on a movie poster they see “BONER!”, “AWESOME” and “BONER!”. The fact that the turtles all look like giant talking versions of various post vodka and gin shits i’ve had over the years are kind of a turn-off for me, because no one wants to be reminded of the time you woke up in a stranger’s apartment and had to take a post-booze poo or you’d crap yourself on the tube home. No one. In other box office news. Guardians of the Galaxy continues to play well and is going to be off around 55% to $42.5ish million. The budget version of Twister without any of the flying cows known as Into the Storm also bested expectations and is set for around $17.5 Million this weekend. Finally, The Hundred Foot Journey also bested expectations significantly in what is shaping up to be a strong August. The Lasse Hallstrom helmed pic is in tune for $11.5 Million for it’s...
So the second Captain America movie hit cinemas this weekend and I’d assume largely on the basis that people would see Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans getting into tight outfits that shit tore up the box office in America – setting an April record with a $96.2 Million. The Winter Soldier not only tore up domestic box office grosses and smashed its predecessor’s opening by 48%, but it also topped Thor 2 which is impressive for a movie which kind of looks like it was produced in 1984. Overseas, that shit made almost $110 million this weekend and has made $207 Million from international waters. I.E it making dat money. Disney is Captain America’s pimp, and it wants to see DAT MONEY. Disney is a hard pimp and it’s made it’s hos Chris and Scarlett whore that shit for every damn dime they got paid. Disney probably wouldn’t mind a Scarlett red carpet nip slip and is definitely tailoring Chris Evans’ suits so wee can see nagla shots in US weekly. However, let’s not forget the MOST IMPORTANT CINEMATIC EVENT OF THE DECADE is Disney’s Frozen. Frozen has now grossed $1.097 Billion worldwide as the 9th largest movie ever with speculation in play that it could now go as far as 6th of all time behind Iron Man 3. In addition to that Frozen is still basically selling a gazillion copies of its soundtrack and is still #1 in the US. Frozen also sold more DVDs in the UK in two days than Hungray Hippo Games: Catching Fire did in it’s uber-big first week of sales, as well as outselling it in the US. Essentially, if you haven’t bought Frozen on DVD yet you are either a horrible parent or a really bad gay.
And it’s all thanks to Adele Dazim! This weekend ‘Frozen’ made history having passed ‘Toy Story 3′ as the biggest grossing animated film of all time worldwide, having now thawed out (pun!) over $1.072 Billion worldwide. The ice-hot (slightly shittier pun!) smash has also entered the all time global top 10 box office charts – pushing out ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest’ to rank as Disney’s #1 non Marvel pic ever. Frozen is about an ice queen named Nicole Kidman Elsa who basically turns everything she touches to ice and so the world turns against her- so it;s kind like a Jennifer Lopez biopic, except instead of everything she touches turning to steaming shit, it turns to ice. It stars Idina Menzel-Dazim and I know its easy to forget but it also stars Kristen Bell and some other people. Somewhere at Disney, an executive has been having a permanent boner at the cross-platform marketing synergies and such that this movie has provided their asses. Every time Disney adds a princess to their roster, fifty park cleaners get an extra crumb of bread for their lunch.
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