In groundbreaking news for the citizens of Dulwich, international Oscar winning actress Jennifer Lawrence and that kid from About A Boy whom Bryan Singer casts in everything (Awkwarddddd) were pictured in Dulwich going to a house party in hoodies. Dulwich is best known for absolutely nothing at all other than being the place its a total arse-ache to have a house party in UNLESS ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THERE. When my friends invite me to a house party in Dulwich im always mysteriously busy doing things such as ‘nothing much’ and ‘not-a-lot’. J.Law must have wondered what fucking twilight zone of south london she had walked into, and if there was any way to get back to that city thousands of miles away with that magical place called Waterloo Station. Americans in London are scientifically proven to only be able to process four square feet total of the city before getting fucking lost and panicking if they can’t see a landmark, so J.Law must have though Nicholas had taken her to the country. Unless you count Dulwich college as a landmark, which I don’t. Now call me wild, but I have never been to a mates house party in London where the dresscode is ‘Trampy’ or ‘Hoodies and trackies with shit all over them’ unless its a bong party and we will be toking up to Spongebob. House parties are still parties, so unless you are there for drugs or to visit your bogan cousin, then throw on a fucking blazer! Also, how the fuck did the Paps find out that Jennifer Lawrence was going to some trampy house party in Dulwich? It’s not like the paparazzi have a stake out in Dulwich for all the HOT clubs and A+ List celebs. The possibilities then, A. Her agent tipped them off. Now she seems real and down to earth…again....
Here’s Queen of Fraps herself Britney Spears breezing through Los Angeles airport presumably after being released from the special needs section at her local nursery once they finally realized she wasn’t a mentally challenged 3 year old. Seriously, Britney – this outfit is some Sam from Clarissa meets Lesbian at a Pink Concert shit. Brit Brit accessorized her outfit with one bag stuffed under her arm which probably cost $1,000 and then another bag she found in the preschool section at TJ Maxx. At the time of writing, Britney’s stylist refused to comment on the picture based on the fact he is a blind, insane wombat. What i would say about Britney Spears’ attire is that she has absolutely nailed it if she ever gets a time machine and can go back to 1993 to attend a slumber party. Brit Brit would be totally appropriate to play Dream Phone in this outfit, the magical game where pre-teen girls all dial up pre-recorded messages from adult men to ultimately win the heart of a pedophile. Yesss! Brit Brit would definitely be scamming for the loser who eats pizza by the beach.
Somewhere in a palace in England, Kate Middleton just dropped her £50,000 tea cup, and as it tumbled to the floor in slow motion, tea wildly spilling like a tornado, Kate looked out of the window – for her fashion tiara had just been SNATCHED in a land far, far away. That land is called Brentwood, Essex – where a new icon of couture, designer dream and darling of Milan walked down the gilded streets tread by so few fashion icons before her (read:trendsetter) in a creation so exquisite that Anna Wintour herself is currently speed-dialling everyone she knows to track down the HAD TO HAVE IT look of the season. After you take a nap to lie down from the exhaustive amounts of extraordinary fashion forwardness happening here let me introduce you to England’s Lauren Conrad, known as Lauren Goodger from The Only Way Is Essex. Whilst Lauren Goodger might not have worked at Teen Vogue, the only reason she didn’t is because she knew an internship would have been a wasteful squander of her ability to mix materials whilst also sometimes saying “Hey materials, who even needs you anyway?” Lauren’s glossy and clearly natural hair isnt the only thing natural about her, she also boasts her own skin and eyes. Her look can best be described as a post-modern throwback to classic movie “Pretty Woman”, integrating both the racy styles and classic textures of that films design with the Golden Globe awards it eventually won. The designers of the outfit, Jodie Marsh and a Blind Ferrett, could not be reached for comment – but both are known to be extremely private about their creations. Expect to see this as a key look on runways next fall.
Julianne Hough has it bad enough when she arrives on the red carpet to side glances of “Harpo, Who dis woman?” from people who are actual movie stars, but now she also has to go through the same thing all over again with actual Chinese paintings. Julianne turned up to the Lone Ranger première wearing the stolen remnants of a Chinese dynasty art cabinet because her stylist probably told her that was a good way to stand out. Sadly, Juliane gets a lot of “Julianddddwhoareyou?” everywhere she goes. She gets it from Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift for this mess. She gets it from Ryan Seacrest when she walks into him in the sauna and he’s not alone. She gets it from movie-going audiences when she’s on posters for movies with her name above the title I guess Hollywood is trying to make Julianne Hough happen, because surprisingly enough, Reese Witherspoon is not happening any more, Cameron Diaz has clocked up some mileage and Jennifer Lawrence has a lot of rejected scripts to pass on. So sure, why not.
It is the season to not be hungry, or so it goes for Moomi as she heads out ONCE AGAIN to the beautiful Aspen slopes in order to gift us the Festive Moments gift of her papped in a variety of snow-themed outfits whilst she spends approximately 0.00 hours on the actual slopes. The entire purpose of Moomz heading to Aspen is so she can talk about “festive moments” on HSN but also apparently to transport us back to the demure times of the 1980s when crimped perms and, uhm, checkerboard dresses with…corset belts?!? were totally in!? I dont know what the hell is happening here but what i DO know is that a Butterfly Maester named Gi’ca-Cachoo definitely had a lot to do with it. And yes, he is only summoned by drugs or insanity.
Christina Aguilera has always been a controversial figure who’s sparked much debate, such as “Will Christina Aguilera always be the Gretchen Wieners?” and “Is Christina Aguilera Snooki with light makeup on?” or “Is it really fair that Papa Johns is throwing in this free Christina Aguilera CD, can’t I just get a diet coke?” but debate took a new turn after this weekends American Music Awards, AND THAT TURN WAS BIG. In a night that would otherwise have been simply yet another awards show in which the presence of Christina Aguilera was undetectable in everywhere but the men’s bathroom, Christina brought a companion in her new train-sized ass along to the party to play and instantly hit headlines worldwide. That crafty ass! It’s a pretty big coup for Xtina this year, because she’s not selling CDs any more, so giving birth to the most gloriously epic celebrity ass of all time must be some consolation to Xtina. I’m sure Xtina will harp on about positive body image and how she’s not afraid to be the woman she really is etc etc, but let’s not forget this is the same troll who was in chaps shaking her exposed ass whilst looking like two twiglets having a fight with a rasta wig to sell CDs a few years ago and making girls across the world feel like heffers in the process. I guarantee you BansheeTina will be 6stone 2lbs by next Christmas and she’ll talk to People about how she “just felt so unhealthy” and “feels so much cleaner now since her trainer started measuring her meals”. Next!
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.