Tag Archives: Divorce

Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

In a breakup,  there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners. The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken.  Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous. The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway. And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having...
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Quelle Surprise: Goopy Paltrow is insufferable.

Because the grass is still green, the sky is still blue, and Avril Lavigne is still mentally 17- it should come as no surprise that Gwyneth Paltrow is still about as much fun as sticking a pin through your peehole. Highly reputable (not really) source RadarOnline reports that Goopy is just bein’ Goopy about her divorce, and by that I mean she’s being a smug bitch to any and every person that will listen. “’Conscious uncoupling’ has become a joke among Gwyneth’s friend,” a source close to the 41-year-old Country Strong star told Radar. “All she’s doing is bragging about how peaceful her divorce is and how she and Chris planned it so perfectly that it is hardly disrupting their lives….She has become insufferable saying how happy she is with the way everything is evolving, It’s so ridiculous to listen to her talk as if nothing bad is going on at all for her.  But Gwyneth has always had a protected privileged life and this is no different.” I mean Radar play a pretty good game of making up sources to tell the world what is clearly happening anyway. You just know Goopy is inviting her friends over to have yoga & colon cleanse parties to nourish their inner assholes, and she’s talking about how the divorce has transformed her chakra and her poppyseed and lemon chicken is 90% better now because she’s having the best divorce of all time. Apparently in addition to Goopy harping ahhhn and ahhnnn about how wonderful her divorce is and how no one else has ever had a divorce so civil, she’s also cosying up in some white linen pajamas that she bought with money she nicked out of GOOP.com According to Radar, some assholes are actually falling for that GOOP shit as it made $1.9 Million...
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Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow to split

Because being married to Gwneyth Paltrow is like being committed to a dried up riesen who forces you to take a daily enema, the separation announcement that absolutely nobody saw coming  (read: even fucking water bears saw this coming)  has finally dropped where Goopy decided to announce that Chris is off doing Lovey things without her now. Conscious Uncoupling It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner. Love, Gwyneth & Chris Only Goopy could make a split-up statement seem like she’s trying to find the origins of religion. Now now, I know what your thinking, blame the woman – how predictable…what if Chris had a roving dick, what if Goopy didn’t actually fuck some millionaire.Well  to that I say, fuck you reader! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow! Sex with Gwyneth Paltrow is probably like dry fucking a rusty mattress spring (Because she’s rolled over and let you have your way with it so she doesn’t get an achey pelvis for Yoga). Romance with Gwyneth Paltrow is like trying to seduce the trunchbull (Because Paris is...
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Katie Holmes is a catholic now.

Katie Holmes obviously gives a single shit about her mortality at this stage, because she walked past the convoy of black escalades following her everywhere right into a Catholic Church and came out to scratch each of those fuckers down the side with a rosary. Yes, Katie is back to be a total Catholic which of course demonstrates that her attachment to Scientology wasn’t a forced contractual obligation and rather a real desire that she had always had. If Katie Holmes could make it any more obvious she was a beard, she might as well just start walking around like this. Its also been reported that Katie was up to some serious SYDNEY BRISTOW shit when she was leaving Tom, and had a secret cellphone to orchestrate the divorce because the Scienloonatics would have brow beaten her down if they’d found out.
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Katie gets sole custody.

According to the Daily Mail Katie Holmes waltzed into a boardroom, sat down across from Tom Cruise, and something like the following exchange occured Katie: If you don’t give me sole custody, I’ll tell the world I was bearding.Tom: HA! You can’t do that, contractual clause! SUCK IT.Katie: Sue me then, i’ll still tell everyoneTom: Wait…what?Katie: So, sole custody then? Tom handed over sole custody to Suri in exchange for Katie’s custody of his rampant rabbit. A wanky PR statement released said the following  ‘We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri’s best interests.  ‘We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other’s commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other’s roles as parents.’ Translated this means that Katie is not letting Suri anywhere near the crazy scientologist motherfuckers. Tom is imminently having a tantrum in his platform shoes wardrobe. Most are saying Katie had been planning to file for months and this shit was her way of ambushing Tom and avoiding Scientology getting a hold of her.
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Katie took a razor to that beard.

Katie Holmes was just a few days ago regarded as one of the finest beards to have ever walked the land. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Katie can kiss goodbye her coveted front-page spread on Beards Weekly’s “Beards of the Year” issue because the editor made a quick phone-call and that shit is being handed to Deborra Lee-Furness and Kelly Preston now. Many are dazed and confused as to why Katie deleted the part of her programming that consistently declared true and everlasting love so early in the game, as Tommy Girl might as well flush a quick million down the toilet if his beard is only going to grow for five years, well TMZ has shed some light on this situation (TMZ is the Jessica Fletcher of the celebrity world, except you know, annoying) and they are calling it SEA ORG. Apparently Sea Org is some giant hardcore Scientology ship that goes around the oceans holding people fucking prisoner enlightening people on the wonders of Thetans and if you don’t listen they will throw you off the edge of the ship. Not really, maybe. Is Scientology plagiarizing JJ Abrams now? Katie obviously got her contract and her giant magnifying glass out and saw that there was no detailing of sending her 6 year old away on a thetan ship in the middle of the ocean in the papers and therefore Tom was taking shit TOO FAR. Katie has also fired basically every Scientology related person around her and has gone back to the people she was represented by before signing a deal with the devil. Well that doesn’t really matter because apparently Scientology are keeping close tabs on her ass  by tailing her everywhere to make sure the “Confidentiality” microchip doesn’t malfunction too. Though i find it hard to believe that Katie is suddenly “spooked”...
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