Tag Archives: disaster

If you want to be asian but aren’t then don’t worry.

Korea is a pretty great place that has given the world a lot of cool shit. Amongst that cool shit is a bunch of cultural iconography that white female pop singers can misappropriate. Lots of people around the world eat up Korean culture in the same way that Lindsay Lohan eats up every career opportunity she has and shits it back out again. One such eater is a white Brazilian dude who used to be called Max but is now called Xiahn Nishi. Why the name change, you ask? Well that’s because Max woke up one morning and decided the next logical step on his day to day was not to take up golf, but it was to instead have 10 plastic surgeries so he could look Korean.   As you can see the surgery was a smash hit,  if of course his original goal was to look like a terrifying  acid attack victim from a Final Fantasy game. Apparently he shopped around for surgeons to do the procedure after all of the sane plastic surgeons said “BITCH NO!” but I guess he eventually found a person in a Favela who’s tin-roof surgery doubled as an abortion clinic, because Max aborted his caucasian self and replaced it with his SCARY ASS ALIEN SELF. Of course Max went into the clinic and told them he wanted to look Asian in the most racially sensitive possible way. ‘I put my fingers inside the eye and pulled. That was the way I wanted to have my eyes,’ he told Brazilian newspaper Zero Hora.  This bitch also alleges that he has had no surgery other than the 10 eye surgeries and the hyaluronic acid that he had injected into his eyes, but I guess his eyes arent working so great since all of the acid...
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MooMi must really be deaf from SoulCycle

Remember that rumour that Moomz went deaf from too much SoulCycle (she lost a lot of weight and then didn’t release any music – and if you know one thing about Mariah Carey it is that she will drop 30lbs for a music video and a music video ALONE) well if this video of Moomi on the Today show is anything to go by, that rumour was true and she’s still as deaf as that adorable deaf pug. Except that adorable deaf pug can now sing better than Mariah Carey. She sounds like she’s channelling the crack voice of Whitney Houston here, which would be an accurate parallel for vocal degradation.  Mariah cares so much about nailing this track (but not really) that she forgets the words at 1.55 and makes up the line “I don’t know the words to my own song and I don’t care.”  and she stops mid-song to direct a cameraman to “get a good angle”. (Side shot of team of 100 bringing in Mariah’s specially designed Kino Flos) Moomz then goes on to start opening her mouth and acting like notes were coming out, but they weren’t (2:38). Turns out those notes were the high notes she can no longer hit that were digitally added by NBC when it went live because Moomz didn’t want a repeat disaster of her last year’s  GMA caterwauling. I don’t know why this delusional butterfly empress keeps going into the studio and hitting “RECORD” on the dolphin register if she knows she can’t hit those notes anymore. Bitch needs to know no-one really likes hearing her sounding like a sea mammal in distress anyway. In addition to being deluded about her voice,  the Mariah Carey that was on that Today Show stage was giving shades of HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN? at the “I AM. MARIAH. THE...
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The reason i’ve taken so long to post these clips is that I’ve had to take a long time to re-evaluate my life after the television world CHANGED when TOWIE: Live aired in all it’s glory on ITV2. Never again would television producers strive to create movie-like production values knowing that with the budget of a fiat punto you can create such television wonders. Towie LIVE redefined what amazing television is, and did so with missed cue after missed cue, sloppy back turnings from cameras, and the glorious Nanny Pat telling arg to “loose some weight”. Nothing says “constructed reality” like crew literally walking onto the set to redirect flailing idiots and cast members forgetting each other’s names.
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