Christina Aguilera has always been a controversial figure who’s sparked much debate, such as “Will Christina Aguilera always be the Gretchen Wieners?” and “Is Christina Aguilera Snooki with light makeup on?” or “Is it really fair that Papa Johns is throwing in this free Christina Aguilera CD, can’t I just get a diet coke?” but debate took a new turn after this weekends American Music Awards, AND THAT TURN WAS BIG. In a night that would otherwise have been simply yet another awards show in which the presence of Christina Aguilera was undetectable in everywhere but the men’s bathroom, Christina brought a companion in her new train-sized ass along to the party to play and instantly hit headlines worldwide. That crafty ass! It’s a pretty big coup for Xtina this year, because she’s not selling CDs any more, so giving birth to the most gloriously epic celebrity ass of all time must be some consolation to Xtina. I’m sure Xtina will harp on about positive body image and how she’s not afraid to be the woman she really is etc etc, but let’s not forget this is the same troll who was in chaps shaking her exposed ass whilst looking like two twiglets having a fight with a rasta wig to sell CDs a few years ago and making girls across the world feel like heffers in the process. I guarantee you BansheeTina will be 6stone 2lbs by next Christmas and she’ll talk to People about how she “just felt so unhealthy” and “feels so much cleaner now since her trainer started measuring her meals”. Next!
It’s almost the end of 2012 (not really) but it IS the time where people totally ignore the fact we have two calendar months left before both A. Artists stop selling albums that qualify as being part of the year and B. The world ends because its the Kardashians will finally reveal their devious endgame as the rapture opens. So it’s clearly time for us to hastenly crown the most influential pop artists of 2012 according to absolutely nobody except me! This list has been waited for by absolutely nobody with baited breath for many seconds. So I won’t keep you any longer. Let’s begin the countdown after the jump…… 10. Nicki Minaj Well this big tittied troll should be no surprise to anyone really as she’s been on every single record in 2012 released. Nicki did what any good popstar needs to do to sell records, she got her newly fake tits out at every single possible occasion and also completely sold out. Starships is not just complete pop, it’s complete pop eurotrash club nonsense, and it’s kind of fun anyway. For chart domination worldwide and branding herself as a dysfunctional human Barbie with an acid tongue we have to give Nicki some props. 9. Adam Levine Adam Levine may be annoying a dumb douche. But we’d all still hit it repeatedly from every direction. As the helmer of Maroon 5, Adam smartly embraced his obvious ego by joining a talent show as a judge, and in the process has managed to keep his music top-of-mind with the record buying public. Get this, Maroon 5 have been in the mainstream scene for 10 years now. TEN YEARS. How fucking old does that make you feel? Their brand of U2-Lite pop-rock that sells to largely teenage audiences has continued to stay relevant long past...
Christina Aguilera obviously isn’t aware of what a PR is, because she’s given two fat fucks about all of the negative press she’s had during her time on The Voice. Instead of using it as a platform to relaunch her pop career, Christina has decided to just sit down next to the craft table and stock up on the Kentucky whilst throwing shade at boybands. Christina should definitely rest assured that there’s probably a role as another matriarch for her on Revenge should she ever quit The Voice. The latest in the Outing of Christina’s Cuntery (A long and twisting saga chronicling how Christina Aguilera is basically the worst) is that she’s ignoring her family’s pleas for her to visit her ill and ageing grandparents who are in their late 80s and are desperate to meet their great grandchild. Christina’s grandparents are obviously just total fame leaches, I mean, think of all the things they could do on their deathbeds with the exposure from reuniting with Christina. They could do People magazine pictorials of Christina sitting with them in a hospital. They could do a Diane Sawyer interview from their wheelchairs in a hospital corridor. They could tweet pictures with countdowns until their livers collapse. Such tricky bastards! Poor Christina must be exhausted with her trash family always trying to reach out to cash in on her. She’s just a victim in all this, I wish her family would let her be to eat and get hammered. Without Christina Aguilera, there is no unifying figure that The Voice crew can come together to hate. Wait, Adam Levine is on that show right? Never mind. Not a problem, off to the old folks visiting hour Christina – take a game of battleship!
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