Because it’s a slow news day, that crafty bitch Christina Aguilera employed her “Lack of relevant stars” radar and realized there was an opportunity to make the world stand up and take notice. So she debuted her “post baby body” and new boytoy named Matt Rutler in the subtle, demure way that only Christina Aguilera can. With more makeup than is produced annually by most countries on and a red dress so bright that it could be seen from Essex. Image: Getty Images Christina looks good in a drag queen chic sort of way. I mean she loves those Morticia Adams brows, she loves her “found in a slot machine” rings, and that red dress is clearly a markdown from TK Maxx, but Christina Aguilera is still working those red lips. I mean her music is terrible and she is a shit judge on The Voice, but girlfriend can rock the red lips. I guess what I’m saying is that Christina Aguilera could make a solid prostitute if she promised never to throw in a song after a blowie. Still, I prefered her with this look.
I guess I should not be surprised that Life & Style magazine are once again serving up bottom of the barrel stars in bottom of the barrel stories that are literally six months old now, nor should I be surprised that they’ve photoshopped Cuntina Aguilera into some sort of tropical island resort for honestly no reason at all. What I was surprised by is that this basic bitch of a magazine continues to write such incredibly uplifting and positive messages to it’s readers as the following. I’m talking about the “Bullied over her weight, Christina get’s her best body ever – after two babies. Her never-go-hungry diet that’s better than lipo!” part, though going inside Karina Smirnoff’s closet also counts as a violation based on the shoes alone. It’s a beautiful message to send to your readers. “If people call you a fat bitch, listen to them and lose weight!” Conform! Eat a salad! You’re disgusting! Kill yourself” Even though Christina Aguilera is just the worst, and let’s be honest, she’s who that chick in Nashville is based upon, I kind of liked her when she had a big booty. It represented some form of rebellion against her label, against her detractors, and against what is expected of her. Rebellion is the one thing that was specifically interesting about Christina in her early career (Stripped, Back to Basics) which is now notably absent and could be part of the reason why her records are not selling. The fact that she has played into the negative comments on her weight is both her right to as a woman, but is also entirely predictable in the paradigm of her celebrity. As you will see in the “weight” tag, we’ve only written one weight related article, and that’s about Christina. In that article I pointed out her hypocrisy regarding her weight, the...
So after I saw Oprah doing this ALS Ice Bucket challenge thing, I thought no other celebrity would be able to top the HIGH ART COMEDY that was provided. Seeing Oprah have Gayle fling a bucket of ice cold water on her ass was kind of like realizing that gods also feel heat and cold. But trust The Queen of The Frapps to deliver an even finer moment in the niche category of ‘Celebrities getting icy-ass water thrown all over them’. I hope Oprah doesn’t come for me for saying that tonight when Im sleeping. I lock the cupboards at night and check under the beds just incase. In an amazing turn of events, Brit Brit’s circuitry didn’t explode when she had water thrown all over her, but her sunglasses do get knocked off and she gives her fifty shades of “me whenever my alarm goes off” Given that her body is made up of 40% crushed ice I kind of thought Brit’s body temperature would have been regulated to somewhere between ‘Alaska‘ and ‘Nicole Kidman’ on the thermometer and this wouldn’t have been a problem for her. I mean, it’s not like Brit hasn’t had to deal with extreme frostiness in the past… But only Brit Brit would walk away from the heated swimming pool behind her after having a bucket of ice thrown all over her. In fairness, she’s probably wondering off looking for some caramel syrup and whipped cream to put on her head so she can start licking herself.
Here’s a Pug absolutely dominating at life. This Pug is deaf, and when he sees his owner he goes batshit and starts making noises that legit could be a new Christina Aguilera single. This Pug is the hottest thing to happen to the internet since Ceiling Cat and i’m not afraid to admit that. Video via Youtube
Remember when Whitney and Mariah performed at the AMAs and the vocal register took a beating harder than any of Chris Brown’s friends or family? Well that shit seems like a flawlessly restrained, humble and mutually respectful affair when stacked up against the absolute catastrophe that was the Christina Aguilera and Lady Gaga duet on the finale of The Voice. Maybe The Voice should be re-titled “The Scream” because basically Gaga just stood on a stage and screamed at Christina Aguilera, who then screamed back at Gaga. Not only that, but Gaga and Xtina looked like they had to share weave budget and it was hard to tell who was who for most of the performance. It was the duet that a grand total of 2 people have been desperate to see for their entire day, and both of those people were there on stage. Christina should have taken a quick second out of caterwauling to thank Gaga for being the sole inspiration for Bionic. Whilst Gaga should have thanked Christina for making it all possible for her and a whole generation of screamers. Without Christina, so many basic singers would not have reached for the stars and started yelling to fill in a lack of vocal talent. Meanwhile Beyonce hasn’t lifted a single finger and has basically outsold their entire combined discography in 24 hours.
Beyonce’s past three years have basically been spent with her outside the White House door with cookies offering a massage to Obama with the knowledge that IF he gets re-elected, there’s going to be another strong black woman needed to SING SING SING the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and undershadow the glamour that was Aretha Franklin. After sabotaging Christina at the Superbowl, Beyonce would laugh manically at the end of every rehearsal she’d do every night to her mirror to her own star spangled banner and whisper “Soon, my precious” before she’d go to bed. Well at the Inauguration Ceremony, ALL OF HER DREAMS CAME TRUE and her plan went PERFECTLY as Beyonce did SANG SANG SANG the song out of the park and then steered it gently back in again before throwing it a towel and some change for a cab. The only thing missing from this performance was Beyonce extending her angel wings and being given the Archangel crown before ascending back to heaven. She mercifully didn’t go through every vocal run ever (XTINA SIDE-EYING) but the very best part was at the end when Obama went in for his Marilyn moment and expected Beyowulf to give him a double cheek kiss, but that bitch threw her mic at the nearest peon, shafted Obama’s second kiss and shouted “CAB PLEASE” because she’s got a Royal Baby Party to start rehearsing for and DON’T HAVE TIME FO THIS.
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