ohn Travolta is back to scene stealing somewhere that isn’t allegedly a bathhouse in Los Angeles! John only had literally three lines to say in the entirety of the Oscars. It took me a quick minute before I figured out he wasn’t some melted pancake who’d wondered on-stage from the props department for a Katy Perry music video, but I shouldn’t shade John or his lacefront, because without him the 2014 Oscars would just be the sad less fun cousins of The Golden Globes. Yes, after somehow lacing the words beautiful and wicked with some kind of fabulous glittery vibrato and making me never able to say the word “talented” the same way again – John introduced oh, you know, Tony Award winning actress Idina Menzel as “Adele Dazeem” And all I could let out were 160,000 YASSSSSES at the immediate number of Adele Dazeem gifs, facebooks and general internet fuckery that would ensue. So thank you John Travolta, because otherwise this was just a bunch of people clapping Cate Blanchett for being a good actress.
IMAGE: The Queen of the shits, Kate Winslet. In a TOP STORY ON BBC NEWS, The Queen is in hospital as a “precaution” after she contracted gastroenteritis. Translation: THE QUEEN TOTALLY HAS THE SHITTY SHIT SHITS. Gastroenteritis is no joke. I can’t tell you how many hours i spent literally stationed next to the toilet when I had that shit. But if id gone to hospital they would have LAUGH LAUGH LAUGHED me home as i gently dribbled poop down my leg. However, I am not an 86 year old woman, so the queen will be totally hooked up to a gold plated drip that feeds her system with the best kind of saline available. The queen will not be going to Rome this week, as she’s too busy literally shitting her insides out. A likely excuse, I think the Queen just didn’t want to deal with any pope-y drama right now. She’s doing this to Rome.
Kelly Brook has joined a long line of celebrities suffering from an extremely dangerous condition named ‘Celebrityitis’ in which they entirely lose touch of reality, usually around the time they forget what the inside of a Tescos looks like. After being attacked by Cosmetic Surgery Royalty Katie Price who called her a big fat whale, Kelly took to journalistic cornerstone OK Magazine to defend herself (because responding to Katie Price is always rational) and in the process exposed the full-blown celebrityitis that she is currently suffering. She said “It’s hard being 33-years-old and still modelling”. Kelly is right, standing around in your pants in beautiful hotels whilst teams of people fawn over you and make you look the best you possibly can must be really really difficult at the ripe old age of 33. Kelly should definitely look at retiring to a much easier way of life, like being a lumberjack, or a brain surgeon. Spare a thought for insanely beautiful and rich celebrities across the land tonight, who have to struggle on with their incredibly difficult jobs of talking about themselves and also smiling sometimes.
Everyone knows the best way to launch a fragrance these days is with herpes. I mean, you could make a really easy joke about herpes when you discuss ”Be Reem” and “Dazzle”, the official fragrances of The Only Way Is Essex, but Kirk from the show was wise about this. Last night he was stroking his monacle in his armchair thinking “Those dastardly bastards on the internet, they will mock us for our fragrances, and not give the rich, woody fragrance with citrus undertones and a touch of vanilla a chance! I can’t have that. I can just hear them making jokes about how our beautiful fragrances will give them venereal diseases! I shan’t hear of it! I shall get one up on them! Ha! Then THEY will look stupid. Not our elegant and timeless fragrances!” Well Played, Kirk Norcross, this round is yours, but the in next round i’ll bring Zovirax and some Paris Hilton Perfume, then you’ll know true elegance. I mean I could go on to talk about the fact that they launched this fragrance at The Fragrance Shop in Lakeside Shopping Centre, widely known to be the premiere venue for major fragrance launches amongst both the pikey and prostitute circles, or I could talk about Sam and her interestingly placed dress-window, which involves us looking into the window, where her tittaes are enjoyed some mulled wine by an open fire. Sam’s tittaes are wondering what the odd smell is outside, but they don’t care, because the central heating is on and they’ve just put on The Holiday on DVD.
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