Tag Archives: Celebrities

Angelina and Brad sold their wedding pictures.

Remember how I wrote about how Angelina and Brad didn’t bother shilling out their special private moment to magazines for lots and lots of money, because Angelina and Brad are too rich and too in love to use their special relationship for cash and publicity? Well, I lied. Not only did The Holy Couple cash in on their wedding, but they cashed in so hard that PEOPLE magazine, owned by a $67 billion conglomerate, had to team up with HELLO magazine to afford that shit. Angelina wore a dress that looks like what might happen if you left your wedding dress out in a room with fourteen bored children in it. Apparently this dress was designed by Luigi Massi, the master tailor at Versace. Angelina asked his ass to sew designs from her children’s drawings into the dress and veil. Because this wedding was meant to be a “family affair”. She said “Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”  Yeah i get the whole loving your child army thing and everything, but letting your kids etch-a-sketch all over your wedding dress? Only Angie could be  sooo radiant and beeauuuutiful that she thinks she could get away it.  Angie looks washed out as shit with all that colour all over her, she should have worn her dress from Maleficent and Brad could have turned up as the dude who she makes into a raven, because he basically didn’t even need to be there. I can just about see past the fact that Angelina is wearing the equivalent of those tea-towels you design with your classmates when you turn five so that your mum and only your mum will pay...
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So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
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Shakira is the QWEEN OF FACEBOOK

You may be surprised to learn that whilst Justin Bieber is the King of Douchebags and Taylor Swift may be the Queen of Fairtyale Forests it is in-fact Shakira who is the most liked person on Facebook. Shakira just passed 100 Million likes on Facebook, which means over 100 million people clicked a button next to Shakira’s name admitting that they have fapped whilst watching “Whenever, Wherever” on mute. Shakira is now not only the most popular goat on Facebook, but she is the most popular goat in the world, as only Facebook itself has more likes than Shakira on the social network. Accordingly, Facebook dedicated a video to Shakira as Mark Zuckerberg ordered an immediate market research report on how Facebook can purchase Shakira. Post by Shakira. Shakira should probably take this as a sign to set up Goatbook as there are obviously 100 million Latin American goats who are hungry to praise their idol with statements such as “Shak dear i love u from the core of my heart missing u sweet heart plzzz be mine forever and since i am very glad among one of 1 in the 100,000,000 once again love u dear” Shakira is the Qween of the Goats and your faves could never. Except maybe Rihanna, that bitch also sounds like a goat and she got nearly 90 Million likes already.  
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Chris Martin might have been banging Alexa Chung

So because celebrity relationships are SERIOUS BUSINESS, we are still talking about the split so shocking that we  should have cut to an audience shot of some guy in a suit picking his nose and eating as he drifted off. Yes, its Gwyneth and Chris Splitsgate Episode 2 and we are talking about some serious-she-probably-didnt-even-go-to-the-farmers-market-today shit, because according to the Nancy Drew asses at ONTD and Lainey Gossip– both of their asses were cheating in their fucked up open relationship, and Chris totally fell in love with Alexa Chung. According to ONTD, those bitches basically made Glastonbury 2013 their Paris, and walked around the shitty muddy fields together posing for pictures and probs laughing at Goop together. In a terrifying twist, apparently Goopy accepted that Alexa was “younger and skinnier” than her. Uhm. Just to clarify, Goopy eats a quarter salad leaf once a decade and is essentially the closest thing you can get to having a bag of bones as an animated human person, so when I read this I googled “Alexa Chung Skinny” and shit dude, Alexa Chung looks like a bag of twiglets fighting together for dominance . Alexa, (just so you know) is a former MTV presenter and now redundant fashion person. Despite her extreme lack of burgers, she is a pretty face, but pretty much epitomizes all that is wrong with a British tv culture which rewards only posh home counties sets with careers. Alexa basically will be seen seated next to the likes of Carla De Laviwhatever and other hipster indie skanks at the second row of important fashion shows for the foreseeable future, because shes too hot to do anything else really, but too skinny to do anything that requires any actual energy. So there’s that. Alexa Chung and Chris Martin totally make sense to...
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Throwback Post: Shawnna’s Damn was seriously awesome.

Things that will make me feel forever old: It’s been almost seven years since Shawnna became the angelic ray of glimmering elegance and what definitely TO DO in your music videos. Shawnna kept it definitively real, and much more real than J.Lo could ever with “Damn” the most supes amazing  usage of hot-topic bananas to give us all shades of Pirate Chic. Shawnna is a beautiful wordsmith and a Shakespeare of our time, as evidenced from the emotional and deeply introspective lyrics to “Damn”, the story about a girl who’s standing in front of a boy asking him to shag her. Damn damn she got a donkey And that shit so chunky How she get them jeans on that monkey Like man got me like a junky Only when she pump me Whisper in my ear I think she want it Such elegance and demure grace. Never forget Shawnna, Never. Forget.
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